blessings abound

I've always known that I'm truly blessed to have a great family and great friends.  It is so evident in times like this, though.  In the short time since we've shared with only a small group of close family and friends that my husband lost his job, we've received emails and calls of encouragement, a $25 gift card for gas, garden fresh tomatoes, some school supplies for my daughter, and a few other things.

A friend who is in a much tougher financial situation than we are offered to provide us with some groceries.  How sweet and thoughtful is that?

Right now, we're actually ok financially.  We will have to re-adjust our budget, but we will be able to meet our needs and already have plenty of our wants.  It's not so much the actual items that have been given to us during this unexpected difficult time that means so much, but the love that motivates these gifts.  

We are truly blessed.

Bad News

My husband lost his job yesterday.  His position was eliminated.  It was completely unexpected.  I have complete faith that God will take care of us, and he has a plan for my husband's next job.  That doesn't mean that I'm not experiencing a myriad of emotions though.  Fear, anger, bitterness, etc.  I feel so bad for him.  It's so hard for him not to take this personally.  Even though he knows that the economy is still bad, and that he was told that his performance was wonderful, I'm sure it's still a blow to his ego.

I'm trying to get past the negative emotions and move on to the practical matters of tightening the budget, distinguishing our needs between our wants, and helping him look for a new job.

I need to be careful that this stressful situation doesn't become an excuse to use food in ways that food shouldn't be used.  Food is nourishment.  It is not comfort.

unexpected help

Yesterday was a hard day.  I was already contemplating how to handle the pizza party at work.  Then we had pizza at church last night.  I felt like I was being consumed (no pun intended) by thoughts of pizza!!  I knew about the dinner in advance, and I almost decided not to go.  There was a meeting after dinner that I felt I should attend so I went.  I ate a healthy, filling dinner at home, so I thought I'd be ok.  Wrong.  I enjoyed talking with people, but watching everyone eat pizza was very difficult.  I wanted to leave church, go to the pizza restaurant, and buy an entire pizza to eat by myself. When I got home I went for a walk.  That helped enormously.  Due to my frustration at the strong cravings I was having, I was able to increase my speed quite a bit!!

This morning I was struggling again on the way to work.  For some reason, I began thinking about peanut butter.  I love peanut butter.  It is definitely a "trigger" food so I've been avoiding it.  Then I began thinking about one of my favorite Little Debbie Snack cakes.  Then ice cream.  I began considering going to purchase some of these items after work.   Then.....when I was walking to my desk I passed by someone who had a package of Reese cup cookies on their desk.  Ugh.  Here we go with the peanut butter cravings again.

When I began reading my emails, I noticed one from the person who is handling the details of our pizza party next week.  She explained that she knows that I have been eating healthy, and that she assume that I  wouldn't want to eat pizza.  She asked if there was something else she could order from the restaurant for me.  How sweet was that??!!

That brightened my day.  At that point, I replied that I couldn't remember which restaurant she had decided to go with, but I didn't think any of the several that she was deciding between would have anything healthy.  I told her that I was still deciding whether I should "splurge" or simply not participate.

About 15 minutes later, another co-worker came by my desk, and she mentioned that she thought about me yesterday and she was concerned that I wouldn't want to eat pizza at our party.  She said she's noticed how well I've done, and that she knew I wouldn't want to eat pizza.  She actually asked our boss if it was ok to order something separate for me.  How awesome is that??!!!

I've mentioned before that I'm a very private person.  I have an extremely hard time sharing personal things with anyone, so I typically don't.  This is especially true of sharing my weight/food issues.  

When I began eating healthy in January, I didn't announce it to the world.  (Actually, I sort of did on this blog!) My family, yes.  Eventually I mentioned it at work, but not in any great detail and to only 1 or 2 people.  I have failed too many times, and I'm so self conscious about my weight that I don't like to talk about it. 

I also don't like to call attention to myself or my eating habits, so I certainly didn't want to ask for any kind of "special treatment" for this party.  I didn't think twice about it when someone asked if we could order wings since she doesn't like pizza.  I also didn't think anything of a friend asking if we could make sure that one of the pizza's is cheese only since she doesn't like toppings.  However, I didn't want to ask for special consideration.  Why is that?  

It was so nice to get such support from people, especially when I haven't even discussed my struggles with them.  Perhaps the lesson in all of this is that I do need to open up more.  Is the risk involved in sharing my struggles worth the support and accountability?   Not only did these two friends make me feel cared for and supported, but it helped me make a healthy choice rather than splurging on a food that could potentially result in days of cravings.  I was able to find a healthy grilled chicken salad on the menu, and I plan to enjoy it immensely!  

yet another pizza party

We're having a pizza party at work on Monday.  I guess it's actually been a while since we've had a party.  While I've been eating healthy, my initial reaction has been to avoid something like this.  This time, I'm undecided.  My first reaction is to splurge and have pizza.  Then I think about all of the fat that's in pizza, and I think about the potential for a splurge to lead to cravings for a day or two.

I probably need to decide in advance what I should do.  Any advice?

Oops!!

Oh no!!!  I think I somehow deleted all of my comments!!  Sorry - I know there isn't a large amount of traffic on my blog, but I do greatly appreciate all of the kind comments that I've received.  Sorry they are gone  :(

repeat

Still having lots of food cravings today.  I'm not certain of the cause; as I mentioned yesterday I assume being around lots of food during our trip might be to blame.  Thought I ate healthy, the fat content in some of the foods I ate  was higher than I'm accustomed to so that probably didn't help.

About mid-day, my mind was filled with thoughts of food.  That was all I could seem to think about.  The cravings and the inner struggle seemed to be building to the point that the only way I could find relief was to give in to the inevitable and go to the grocery store after work and buy lots of junk.  I rationalized that this seemed to be the type of event (for lack of a better word) that in the past has gotten to the point where I gave in to the urge to binge and was actually able to move on fairly quickly rather than either eat junk for days or crave junk food for days.  How can I possibly know that this would happen?  Even if I could binge and not have trouble afterwards, is that a good enough reason to behave in such a manner?   I need to change my pattern of thinking.  A binge should never be inevitable!

As I was struggling, someone commented on my weight loss.  This person is also in the process of losing weight so we talked for a minute about healthy habits.  That helped a bit.  I then texted my son.  I came very close to not doing so because I didn't want to.  The rebellious inner child in me didn't want the accountability.  But I texted him anyway.  That helped quite a bit.  He mentioned that he is having trouble today too.  He is trying to lose his last 5 or 10 pounds and is doing so by carb cycling.  It seems to be working, but it's very tough.  Saturday and Sunday are no carb days for him.  That makes my struggle seem minor!

Another great reason not to buy all of the junk food that I'd love to binge on - it's over 100 degrees!!!!  The stuff would melt between the grocery store and my car!!  

After the encouragement and with the help of some strongly flavored gum, I was able to get out of that struggle and am doing much better now.  I'm so glad that I didn't succumb to temptation.  I need to remember how that feels so I can use it as a reminder the next time I'm having difficulty!

lots of cravings

I can't seem to get my mind off of food today.  Lots of cravings for sugary treats.  I assume that it has to do with the increased exposure to junk food over the last several days.  I didn't eat any of it, but visual stimulation can be powerful sometimes.  Not to mention, that within about 15 minutes of arriving at work this morning I was offered cookies, muffins and candy.

The cravings have been frequent, but they haven't been those overwhelming I'm going to die if I don't eat this kind.  I've easily been able to immediately remind myself that eating junk isn't worth it.  A few minutes of pleasure would be so minor compared to the days of continued cravings that would follow.  It's still annoying to constantly have thoughts of food popping into my head.

My husband will be out of town until Sunday afternoon/evening.  I try to tell myself that this has nothing to do with my eating habits, but I think it does.  I am a very independent person, so intellectually it doesn't really seem that his being away from home effects my eating habits.  However, if I look at my track record  I think it does.  I'm not sure if I get more lonely than what I think I do, or if it has simply been a matter of having more opportunity to eat junk with no accountability.  Either way, I need to be super vigilant right now.

One day at a time.  Actually, make that one hour at a time today.

Successful trip!

I'm happy to say that I stayed on plan during our mini vacation!  I ate oatmeal with cherry flavored craisins  every morning for breakfast.  For lunch, I had soup and fruit one day, a Subway grilled chicken sub (no cheese, no mayo) for lunch one day, and a Firehouse sub for lunch another day.  I actually had never eaten at Firehouse Subs, so I made what I assumed was a healthy choice.  I just read the nutrition info on their web site, and I am a bit surprised.  The calories were higher than I expected.  I don't think I really made a bad choice, though.  For dinner, I had a sub one evening and grilled dijon chicken and portebellos at Applebee's one evening.  (Which was delish and filling!!)

I know to some of you these choices may sound boring, but variety isn't typically important to me.  Staying on plan wasn't too difficult.  There were moments, though, that were hard.  When everyone else was eating ice cream for example.  Also, the resort where we stayed had an in house bakery with sugary treats like donuts, cookies, ice cream, and fudge.  We had to walk by the bakery every time we went to our room, and the smells were intoxicating.

I used the tread mill Monday and Tuesday, and we shopped at a huge mall for about 4 hours today so I did a lot of walking.

This trip, though short, was very different for me.  Typically, trips such as these revolved around food.  After all, it's easy to rationalize overeating and eating junk food while on vacation.  Everyone does that, right?  I noticed that I had far more energy than I normally do on vacations since I ate healthy.

I still felt that the trip revolved around food more than I would like it to.  I still thought about what I was going to eat, what I was not going to eat, what everyone else was eating, etc.  It would be nice if I could think much less about food.

Hopefully these healthy habits will become a part of me, and will become second nature.

13 pounds gone!

I've lost 13 pounds this month!  I'm glad that I weighed myself before this week's short vacation.  I think this loss will help keep me motivated to eat healthy while away from home.

mini vacation

My husband and I are taking my daughter and her best friend on a mini vacation next week.  We'll leave Monday and come back Wednesday.  I've been pondering how to handle food during that time.  I plan to take oatmeal and raisins with me so that I can eat a healthy breakfast in our room.  I also plan to take some healthy snacks such as almonds with me.  I don't typically eat snacks, I'm more of a three-meals-a-day kind of girl, but I know that while on vacation things change so I want to be prepared.

I know we'll be eating out a lot, so the main issue I'm trying to decide in advance is whether I'll "splurge" a little.  I've already decided that I will not splurge on sugar.  It's just not worth it.  Even a small amount of sugar would still leave me craving sugar for days.  If I do splurge it might be on french fries or pizza, for example.  Is that even worth it?

In the past, one of my main sources of pleasure during a vacation has been eating.  Lots of unhealthy snacks and unhealthy meals at restaurants.  This little trip will be different.  I want to derive pleasure from non-food things.  Spending time with my family, relaxing, etc.

While I know that eating at restaurants isn't ideal, there is still at least one or two healthy choices at most any establishment.  Grilled chicken sandwich, a salad without lots of cheese and full fat dressing, etc.

I also plan to exercise.  I'm not sure if I'll use the hotel gym....actually now that I think about it I'm not sure if this particular establishment has one.  If not, I should still be able to walk.

I'll keep you posted!

Good weekend!

I stayed on plan this weekend!!  I was so busy at the breakfast and at the shower, that I really didn't feel left out by not eating any of the yummy full of fat, full of sugar goodies.  I ate breakfast before going to church on Sunday, and was too full to really even want fruit.  Same with the shower; I ate a healthy lunch before going so the foods didn't really tempt me too much.

Success!!

Weekend full of food

I'm organizing a breakfast at church tomorrow, and co-hosting a baby shower tomorrow afternoon.  Kind of tough for someone with food issues.    I'm making candy, a cheese ball and some dip for the baby shower.  When making the candy, I decided that chocolate would be far too much torture to deal with, so I'm using vanilla.  (The baby shower has a rubber duck theme, and I'm using a rubber duck candy mold to make candy - so cute!)

I had a little bit of trouble when making the cheese ball last night.  I could probably eat almost the entire thing by myself in one sitting.  But I didn't test it.  I didn't lick the spoon when I was done.  I didn't "lick the bowl".

Tomorrow, I'm planning to eat a healthy breakfast at home and I probably won't eat anything at church.  I might eat some fruit, but that's all.  Since I'm organizing it, I'm sure I'll be busy doing things other than eating.  I'm planning to eat a healthy lunch before the baby shower.  I don't plan to eat much, if anything, there either.  Maybe some fruit and veggies.  The other foods could too easily cause a downhill tumble into unhealthy habits.

I don't know if my plan for handling these situations is "right".  I guess it doesn't matter unless it's right for me.  Am I setting myself up for failure by going to what some would consider extreme measures to avoid eating at these events?

frustration at those who don't "get it"

The reason that my son has been so helpful to me while on this journey is that he understands.  He can relate, to a degree, to my struggles with food.  He doesn't have an eating disorder, but he does struggle with eating and has been overweight in the past.  Now, he is an inspiration to me.  He is a healthy eater and is devoted to working out.

My husband has always been supportive.  He has never criticized my weight or eating habits.  I've never felt that he loved me more or less at any particular weight I've been.  However, he doesn't understand my struggles with food.  He is an extremely picker eater, and he eats horribly unhealthy.  Food doesn't have the power over him like it can have over me, though.

My son commented tonight that it can be very difficult for him when his dad brings home a fast food burger and fries or pizza.  Especially pizza.  Pizza is hard for my son because back when he was in the typical teenager "bottomless pit" stage he ate A LOT of pizza.  Now he never eats it.

My husband simply doesn't understand this.  His position is basically "why should I not eat the foods I want just because you're not eating it?"  That is very frustrating to me.  On the other hand, though, I think my son needs to realize that he will always be around people eating.  They may be eating healthy foods or non-healthy foods.  It's not like being an alcoholic where you can feasibly avoid being with people who drink.  People have to eat.

Neither my husband or my son is "right".  As with anything, we all need to find balance.

On a side note, I walked after this discussion and had probably the best walk I've ever had because I was frustrated!!  It felt great and I walked at a much faster pace than normal.  There's a silver lining in every cloud.

Celebrating Independence

I'm so grateful for the freedom that we have in the U.S.  It is so very easy to take freedom for granted.  Today is a perfect day to give thanks to God for what we have.  I am so appreciative to the men and women in the military, both past and present, too.

On a personal level, I am celebrating freedom from the bondage that can be caused by an eating disorder.  I plan to remember how good this freedom feels whenever I'm tempted to stray from my journey.

Let freedom ring!!

busy

I've been a bit overwhelmed lately because there is a lot going on.  As I mentioned in my previous post, I am a creature of habit and enjoy structure.  Therefore, if there are a lot of events, etc. on the horizon I can get easily stressed.

My dad's 60th birthday is today and we're having a party, I'm co-hosting a baby shower next week, there are several church events occurring over the next few weeks......and more.  So far, I've done fairly well.  I've tried to cope with my anxiety by being organized.  Of course, the combination of being overwhelmed and dealing with events that involve food can be challenging.

I'm planning ahead for each of these events so I don't binge or overeat.  I will also continue to exercise, because as much as the stubborn part of me refuses to admit it I know that it is a stress reliever.