Saw a quote at http://ronisweigh.com that made me think.
“For every effect there is a root cause. Find and address the root cause rather than try to fix the effect.” -Celestine Chua
What do you think? Does finding the root cause matter? Is it essential to fixing your "issues"?
Friday, October 12, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
hurt feelings
Dear Diary,
I attended a Revival service at my parent's church tonight because my daughter was invited to sing. I no longer attend this church because God called us elsewhere, but I know many of the people there. The pastor is a wonderful man. I feel very comfortable there, because I grew up there. I was looking forward to going, and was proud of my daughter for sharing her talent.
The first person that I saw when I entered the church was an older lady that I've known since I was a child. Sally* warmly welcomed us. As I walked away, I heard another elderly lady, Jean*, that I don't know as well ask her who I was. She said "that's John Smith's* daughter". I was a fair distance away by that point, and Jean probably didn't realize that I could hear her. She said "oh, yes. she lost all of that weight and looked so good. Then she gained it all back."
Isn't church a place where we should feel love and accepted? Isn't this type of behavior the reason why many people don't want to have anything to do with church? I had to immediately put the conversation out of mind. Otherwise, I would have either burst into tears or left the church. I stayed, but became sharply aware of how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin. Despite being dressed nicely and fashionably, I felt fat and ugly.
God knew that my heart was aching, though. The speaker's sermon was based on 1 Samuel 16. The verse that I needed to hear was verse 7 "..... The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
I know that Jean didn't know I heard her. I don't believe she would have hurt my feelings intentionally. But they were hurt.
*All names changed.
I attended a Revival service at my parent's church tonight because my daughter was invited to sing. I no longer attend this church because God called us elsewhere, but I know many of the people there. The pastor is a wonderful man. I feel very comfortable there, because I grew up there. I was looking forward to going, and was proud of my daughter for sharing her talent.
The first person that I saw when I entered the church was an older lady that I've known since I was a child. Sally* warmly welcomed us. As I walked away, I heard another elderly lady, Jean*, that I don't know as well ask her who I was. She said "that's John Smith's* daughter". I was a fair distance away by that point, and Jean probably didn't realize that I could hear her. She said "oh, yes. she lost all of that weight and looked so good. Then she gained it all back."
Isn't church a place where we should feel love and accepted? Isn't this type of behavior the reason why many people don't want to have anything to do with church? I had to immediately put the conversation out of mind. Otherwise, I would have either burst into tears or left the church. I stayed, but became sharply aware of how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin. Despite being dressed nicely and fashionably, I felt fat and ugly.
God knew that my heart was aching, though. The speaker's sermon was based on 1 Samuel 16. The verse that I needed to hear was verse 7 "..... The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
I know that Jean didn't know I heard her. I don't believe she would have hurt my feelings intentionally. But they were hurt.
*All names changed.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
my story
Dear Diary,
I'm having a rough day. Realizing that I'm back to a place that I never wanted to return to is tough. As I've gained weight so rapidly due to binge eating, the changes seem to come so suddenly. I can't walk to the mail box without getting winded. I have no energy. I avoid activity. I'm noticing some back aches and knee pain that weren't an issue when I was on a healthy path. I hate how I look. When I'm eating healthy and off the food, I don't think I truly remember how all of this feels.
My sister mentioned a discussion that she'd had with coworkers recently about how all of us have a story. Your story shapes so much about you. When I think of my life, I think about how grateful I am for God, my kids, husband, sister, nieces and parents. Not to mention extended family and friends. These are what is most important to me, not material things. However, the predominant theme of my life is always somehow related to my problems with food.
The question is - do I want my story to be one of defeat and depression or one of overcoming obstacles?
I'm having a rough day. Realizing that I'm back to a place that I never wanted to return to is tough. As I've gained weight so rapidly due to binge eating, the changes seem to come so suddenly. I can't walk to the mail box without getting winded. I have no energy. I avoid activity. I'm noticing some back aches and knee pain that weren't an issue when I was on a healthy path. I hate how I look. When I'm eating healthy and off the food, I don't think I truly remember how all of this feels.
My sister mentioned a discussion that she'd had with coworkers recently about how all of us have a story. Your story shapes so much about you. When I think of my life, I think about how grateful I am for God, my kids, husband, sister, nieces and parents. Not to mention extended family and friends. These are what is most important to me, not material things. However, the predominant theme of my life is always somehow related to my problems with food.
The question is - do I want my story to be one of defeat and depression or one of overcoming obstacles?
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Admiration
I have such admiration for those who will go to any lengths to maintain freedom from compulsive overeating. I'm not there. Yet. I pray that I will get there.
The sermon at church Sunday really resonated with me. It was about Fear. God doesn't give us a spirit of Fear, so if we're experiencing Fear it's not from him. Imagine how David felt when he was facing Goliath! A scrawny teenager facing a 9 foot plus warrior with muscles like Arnold.
Food/compulsive overeating is my Goliath. On my own, I may be powerless. But with help, I can overcome.
The sermon at church Sunday really resonated with me. It was about Fear. God doesn't give us a spirit of Fear, so if we're experiencing Fear it's not from him. Imagine how David felt when he was facing Goliath! A scrawny teenager facing a 9 foot plus warrior with muscles like Arnold.
Food/compulsive overeating is my Goliath. On my own, I may be powerless. But with help, I can overcome.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Catching Up
Dear Diary,
It's been almost a month since I posted!! How time flies. There are a few reasons for this. 1- I've been busy. 2- I finally joined the 21st century and set up a Facebook account. This is part of my efforts to not isolate myself so much. Food addiction is such an isolating disease. I know there are better ways to reach out (phone, text, visiting a friend, etc.), but this is an avenue of "safely" staying in touch for someone like myself who is not a social butterfly. I've been spending time on FB rather than blogs lately. 3- I haven't had anything good to report.
The third reason is the main one for my absence. I realize that writing can be therapeutic, so avoiding doing so when my eating is out of control isn't smart.
Recently my son expressed his concerns about my rapid weight gain and return to poor eating habits. He is such a great kid. It broke my heart to hear him say that there isn't a day that doesn't go by that he doesn't think about my struggles. A big burden for a 20 year old. I admire that he loves me enough to confront me.
I considered an inpatient treatment program, but there's nothing close by (not even in my state) and my insurance doesn't cover this. I also considered going to a counselor that specializes in eating disorders. I haven't discounted that, but the treatment I've decided to try involves a support group of others who suffer from compulsive overeating.
So far, that's helped. My food still hasn't gotten where it needs to be, and I have a long way to go emotionally but I'm going to stick with this group. I'm currently trying to decide if I should join them on a retreat in October. It is so very much out of my comfort zone. New experiences scare me. However, I need to seek help and perhaps this is a good avenue.
Bye for now!
It's been almost a month since I posted!! How time flies. There are a few reasons for this. 1- I've been busy. 2- I finally joined the 21st century and set up a Facebook account. This is part of my efforts to not isolate myself so much. Food addiction is such an isolating disease. I know there are better ways to reach out (phone, text, visiting a friend, etc.), but this is an avenue of "safely" staying in touch for someone like myself who is not a social butterfly. I've been spending time on FB rather than blogs lately. 3- I haven't had anything good to report.
The third reason is the main one for my absence. I realize that writing can be therapeutic, so avoiding doing so when my eating is out of control isn't smart.
Recently my son expressed his concerns about my rapid weight gain and return to poor eating habits. He is such a great kid. It broke my heart to hear him say that there isn't a day that doesn't go by that he doesn't think about my struggles. A big burden for a 20 year old. I admire that he loves me enough to confront me.
I considered an inpatient treatment program, but there's nothing close by (not even in my state) and my insurance doesn't cover this. I also considered going to a counselor that specializes in eating disorders. I haven't discounted that, but the treatment I've decided to try involves a support group of others who suffer from compulsive overeating.
So far, that's helped. My food still hasn't gotten where it needs to be, and I have a long way to go emotionally but I'm going to stick with this group. I'm currently trying to decide if I should join them on a retreat in October. It is so very much out of my comfort zone. New experiences scare me. However, I need to seek help and perhaps this is a good avenue.
Bye for now!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
39
Dear Diary,
Today is my 39th birthday. Wow. Where did the time go? I must admit that I'm feeling kind of down right now. I always spend some time reflecting on my life when my birthday rolls around, and I'm not sure I like what I see. Don't misunderstand - I am definitely blessed. I have a wonderful family, a job that I like, and most importantly a God who loves me :) What I don't like is, of course, my weight. I also don't feel that I've accomplished very much in my life. Perhaps I'm just being too hard on myself. I need to turn this pity party into an opportunity to improve.
Enough of that. Happy Birthday to Me :) Here's to a great year!!
Today is my 39th birthday. Wow. Where did the time go? I must admit that I'm feeling kind of down right now. I always spend some time reflecting on my life when my birthday rolls around, and I'm not sure I like what I see. Don't misunderstand - I am definitely blessed. I have a wonderful family, a job that I like, and most importantly a God who loves me :) What I don't like is, of course, my weight. I also don't feel that I've accomplished very much in my life. Perhaps I'm just being too hard on myself. I need to turn this pity party into an opportunity to improve.
Enough of that. Happy Birthday to Me :) Here's to a great year!!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
interesting weekend
Dear Diary,
I had such a great weekend! Friday, we traveled to attend my son's first bodybuilding competition. We had a great time, and it was far more interesting to watch than I'd expected.
I am so proud of my son. He has been lifting weights for several years, and he's extremely dedicated. He's disciplined with his exercise routine and his diet. He was the youngest competitor (20 years old) and he placed in the top 5 in the men's debut category!!!!
It was wonderful to spend time with my family, and I appreciated it so very much.
Seeing all of these healthy people caused mixed emotions. I was embarrassed at my lack of self control. Regardless of suffering from food addiction, I still need to take responsibility for my choices.
I had such a great weekend! Friday, we traveled to attend my son's first bodybuilding competition. We had a great time, and it was far more interesting to watch than I'd expected.
I am so proud of my son. He has been lifting weights for several years, and he's extremely dedicated. He's disciplined with his exercise routine and his diet. He was the youngest competitor (20 years old) and he placed in the top 5 in the men's debut category!!!!
It was wonderful to spend time with my family, and I appreciated it so very much.
Seeing all of these healthy people caused mixed emotions. I was embarrassed at my lack of self control. Regardless of suffering from food addiction, I still need to take responsibility for my choices.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
closet debate
Dear Diary,
As I lost weight last year, I got rid of my clothes that were too large. If they were still nice, I donated them to Good Will. If they weren't they were thrown away. After all, this is what all the experts say to do, right? Keeping clothes that are too large give you a safety net for regaining the weight. The need to purchase new items if the scales go back up should be motivation to stay on track.
I'm beginning to think that theory is rubbish. Hogwash. Whatever silly word you'd like to say. As I've written in all of my recent entries, I've gained a substantial amount of weight back. Much of my clothing doesn't fit. Even if I were to get my act together this very second and reverse this trend, it would still take a while to be able to wear some of the smaller sizes in my closet. This leaves several choices. Wear the limited items that fit, wear clothes that are too tight and unflattering, and/or buy a few things in larger sizes. None of these are good for my already injured self esteem. If I had kept a few of the nicer pieces as I lost weight, I'd have another choice. I think this would be less humiliating than the other choices I mentioned.
Any thoughts?
As I lost weight last year, I got rid of my clothes that were too large. If they were still nice, I donated them to Good Will. If they weren't they were thrown away. After all, this is what all the experts say to do, right? Keeping clothes that are too large give you a safety net for regaining the weight. The need to purchase new items if the scales go back up should be motivation to stay on track.
I'm beginning to think that theory is rubbish. Hogwash. Whatever silly word you'd like to say. As I've written in all of my recent entries, I've gained a substantial amount of weight back. Much of my clothing doesn't fit. Even if I were to get my act together this very second and reverse this trend, it would still take a while to be able to wear some of the smaller sizes in my closet. This leaves several choices. Wear the limited items that fit, wear clothes that are too tight and unflattering, and/or buy a few things in larger sizes. None of these are good for my already injured self esteem. If I had kept a few of the nicer pieces as I lost weight, I'd have another choice. I think this would be less humiliating than the other choices I mentioned.
Any thoughts?
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
I am more
Dear Diary,
I am more than a number on the scale. I am more than the size of my clothing. My self worth isn't about whether the number on the scale is going up, down, or staying the same.
My self esteem has, for many years, been directly tied to my weight. If I'm gaining weight, my self esteem plummets. If I'm eating healthy and losing weight my self esteem is a bit better.
When will I make the choice to not allow compulsive overeating to consume a majority of my thoughts and actions? When will I learn that I am a valuable, beautiful child of God, a kind person, a good listener, a good mom, friend, sister, daughter? When will it become less difficult to even key those words without wanting to hit the delete key because it seems like I'm either bragging or not telling the full truth? When will I not want to add a disclaimer that I could be a much better mom, friend, sister, daughter?
Perhaps if my self esteem improves the number on the scale will go down because I've learned that I'm worth not abusing my body. I'm worth not using food in ways other than nourishment.
I'm reminded of some of the lyrics of Tenth Avenue North's song "You Are More":
You are more than the choices that you've made,You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,You are more than the problems you create,You've been remade.
I am more than a number on the scale. I am more than the size of my clothing. My self worth isn't about whether the number on the scale is going up, down, or staying the same.
My self esteem has, for many years, been directly tied to my weight. If I'm gaining weight, my self esteem plummets. If I'm eating healthy and losing weight my self esteem is a bit better.
When will I make the choice to not allow compulsive overeating to consume a majority of my thoughts and actions? When will I learn that I am a valuable, beautiful child of God, a kind person, a good listener, a good mom, friend, sister, daughter? When will it become less difficult to even key those words without wanting to hit the delete key because it seems like I'm either bragging or not telling the full truth? When will I not want to add a disclaimer that I could be a much better mom, friend, sister, daughter?
Perhaps if my self esteem improves the number on the scale will go down because I've learned that I'm worth not abusing my body. I'm worth not using food in ways other than nourishment.
I'm reminded of some of the lyrics of Tenth Avenue North's song "You Are More":
You are more than the choices that you've made,You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,You are more than the problems you create,You've been remade.
Monday, August 6, 2012
don't know what you've got 'til it's gone
Dear Diary,
Last year when I'd lost 100+ pounds, I didn't fully appreciate the benefits. I was still overweight, but I felt far more comfortable in my own skin. I could climb a flight of steps without getting winded. I could go into any clothing shop that carried plus sizes and purchase something off the rack rather than having to order things online. I could even wear some things in xl or xxl from certain clothing companies. I wasn't worried that I wouldn't fit comfortably in a movie theater seat. I felt somewhat normal.
Now that I've gained back a significant amount of that, I miss those things. I miss looking into the mirror and being able to find my cheekbones. I miss looking into the mirror and realizing that I looked pretty good! Now I'm avoiding mirrors again. I miss being confidant when I run into an old friend; now I would probably try to avoid them.
I shouldn't let these things lead me into a cycle of despair, depression and more overeating. These should be motivation to get back on track and make healthy choices physically and emotionally.
Last year when I'd lost 100+ pounds, I didn't fully appreciate the benefits. I was still overweight, but I felt far more comfortable in my own skin. I could climb a flight of steps without getting winded. I could go into any clothing shop that carried plus sizes and purchase something off the rack rather than having to order things online. I could even wear some things in xl or xxl from certain clothing companies. I wasn't worried that I wouldn't fit comfortably in a movie theater seat. I felt somewhat normal.
Now that I've gained back a significant amount of that, I miss those things. I miss looking into the mirror and being able to find my cheekbones. I miss looking into the mirror and realizing that I looked pretty good! Now I'm avoiding mirrors again. I miss being confidant when I run into an old friend; now I would probably try to avoid them.
I shouldn't let these things lead me into a cycle of despair, depression and more overeating. These should be motivation to get back on track and make healthy choices physically and emotionally.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Good advice
Dear Diary,
I read a great article in a magazine today. It was about Dr. Oz, and something he said really resonated with me.
"Cravings are driven by your mind, not actual hunger." Dr. Mehmet Oz
Of course, this is completely logical. Most everyone knows this. However, seeing it in black and white was powerful for me. He went on to say "This means that you don't need to eat to quell them. Instead, call a friend - this will distract you long enough for the craving to pass."
This is exactly what has been discussed in the support group I've been attending. Someone mentioned that a craving will typically pass in 15 minutes. You can choose to eat, (which may lead to overeating if you're a compulsive overeater) or you can choose to call a friend, write in a journal, exercise, or engage in some other healthy behavior.
The question is, what will I choose to do when cravings hit?
I read a great article in a magazine today. It was about Dr. Oz, and something he said really resonated with me.
"Cravings are driven by your mind, not actual hunger." Dr. Mehmet Oz
Of course, this is completely logical. Most everyone knows this. However, seeing it in black and white was powerful for me. He went on to say "This means that you don't need to eat to quell them. Instead, call a friend - this will distract you long enough for the craving to pass."
This is exactly what has been discussed in the support group I've been attending. Someone mentioned that a craving will typically pass in 15 minutes. You can choose to eat, (which may lead to overeating if you're a compulsive overeater) or you can choose to call a friend, write in a journal, exercise, or engage in some other healthy behavior.
The question is, what will I choose to do when cravings hit?
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Blog makeover
Dear Diary,
Once again I've been too ashamed and embarrassed to write a blog post. My weight is up. (That's an understatement). I've continued to overeat. I'm very rarely exercising. From all appearances, I've given up. Why bother posting? What good would it do?
Then I remembered. Yes, I did begin this blog as mainly a weight loss blog. Yes, I steadily lost weight from January to around December of 2011 for what I'd really hoped would be the last time. However - I began this blog for me. It's healthy to write out one's thoughts. Especially for those like myself who tend to stuff their feelings inside rather than sharing them. Who cares what anyone else thinks? I only have a few followers. For anyone who can learn something from what I have to write here, that's wonderful. Even if it's simply that they learn that they are not suffering alone. That is such a major lesson to learn. For anyone who doesn't understand, doesn't care, or is frustrated by my current outward lack of progress - they can move on. If there are those who would like to encourage or make recommendations, then I welcome that.
I changed my blog appearance a bit. One of the main changes is that I removed the weight loss area. I was hesitant to do this, because I do need to work on that. At this point, though, I'm learning that my weight is a side effect of the disease of compulsive overeating. If I don't address the tough stuff, then the weight will always return. If I address the "issues", then weight loss will come.
Welcome to my journey; the good, the bad, the frustrations and the triumphs.
Once again I've been too ashamed and embarrassed to write a blog post. My weight is up. (That's an understatement). I've continued to overeat. I'm very rarely exercising. From all appearances, I've given up. Why bother posting? What good would it do?
Then I remembered. Yes, I did begin this blog as mainly a weight loss blog. Yes, I steadily lost weight from January to around December of 2011 for what I'd really hoped would be the last time. However - I began this blog for me. It's healthy to write out one's thoughts. Especially for those like myself who tend to stuff their feelings inside rather than sharing them. Who cares what anyone else thinks? I only have a few followers. For anyone who can learn something from what I have to write here, that's wonderful. Even if it's simply that they learn that they are not suffering alone. That is such a major lesson to learn. For anyone who doesn't understand, doesn't care, or is frustrated by my current outward lack of progress - they can move on. If there are those who would like to encourage or make recommendations, then I welcome that.
I changed my blog appearance a bit. One of the main changes is that I removed the weight loss area. I was hesitant to do this, because I do need to work on that. At this point, though, I'm learning that my weight is a side effect of the disease of compulsive overeating. If I don't address the tough stuff, then the weight will always return. If I address the "issues", then weight loss will come.
Welcome to my journey; the good, the bad, the frustrations and the triumphs.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
2 small goals
I'm continuing to follow Diane's suggestion (see her comment to my 7/17/12 post) to make several small goals. Her recommendation was three, but I'm going with two. I want to have two reasonable solid goals that will take a bit of work, but aren't currently unrealistic for me.
Confession time. As I was considering my goals, I thought of several that I knew I could handle with very little effort. Eat a healthy breakfast every day for x number of days. Eat a healthy lunch every day for x number of days. With very few exceptions, I've been doing this. If I set a goal this easy, I'm only cheating myself.
Goal #1: no binge eating/overeating from 7/23/12 to 8/10/12. Why these dates? I'm beginning tomorrow because I'd be lying if I said that today didn't include some amount of overeating. August 10 is the day prior to my son's first body building competition. I'm ashamed and embarrassed of the weight I've recently gained, and that he'll have an overweight mom at this event. The very least I can do is go with a clear conscience that I'm making healthier choices and turning things around.
Goal #2: exercise at least twice a week from 7/23/12 to 8/10/12. I'm staying with the same dates since it just makes sense to me to do so. There was a time that I did some form of exercise 6-7 days a week. Lately, the number has been 0. Twice a week is attainable.
I'll keep you posted regarding my progress. Any encouragement is welcome!!
Confession time. As I was considering my goals, I thought of several that I knew I could handle with very little effort. Eat a healthy breakfast every day for x number of days. Eat a healthy lunch every day for x number of days. With very few exceptions, I've been doing this. If I set a goal this easy, I'm only cheating myself.
Goal #1: no binge eating/overeating from 7/23/12 to 8/10/12. Why these dates? I'm beginning tomorrow because I'd be lying if I said that today didn't include some amount of overeating. August 10 is the day prior to my son's first body building competition. I'm ashamed and embarrassed of the weight I've recently gained, and that he'll have an overweight mom at this event. The very least I can do is go with a clear conscience that I'm making healthier choices and turning things around.
Goal #2: exercise at least twice a week from 7/23/12 to 8/10/12. I'm staying with the same dates since it just makes sense to me to do so. There was a time that I did some form of exercise 6-7 days a week. Lately, the number has been 0. Twice a week is attainable.
I'll keep you posted regarding my progress. Any encouragement is welcome!!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
following suggestions
Diane's comment on yesterday's post inspired today's post. The reasons for losing weight sometimes seem so obvious, but having them in black and white and really examining them can be important. Her idea for making three small goals is great too. If I look at the long term, I get so overwhelmed that it's very difficult to realize that even small changes make a difference.
So - I might as well make this a public reminder for myself.
Reasons for losing weight:
1-God should be the number one priority in my life. If I'm honest with myself, food is a huge priority.
2- My health. I want to live a long, healthy life and be able to enjoy my children and any future grandchildren. I don't want to be a burden to my family because I've made poor choices.
3- I want to look good. Let's be honest - vanity is a big reason for wanting to lose weight. I'm tired of being ashamed to wear short sleeves when it's 100 degrees outside.
4- Energy. I like to have the energy to do normal things, rather than tiring easily.
5-No shame. I hate being ashamed of my lack of control. Yes, I believe that it's possible to be addicted to food. However, I'm still fully responsible for what goes into my mouth. I don't want my children to be ashamed of me either.
6-Avoidance. I'm tired of avoiding people and events due to my weight. When I catch a glimpse of someone I know in public, my first thought is "what weight was I when they last saw me". How sad is that? If I was thinner the last time that I saw them, odds are I'm going to try to avoid them. And events? That's another issue altogether. How many things have a avoided due to my weight? Water parks. Pool parties. It would take forever to mention them all.
7-Peace. I want to feel peace rather than guilt, shame, anxiety and depression.
Three small goals will be a separate post after I've given it some thought. What are your reasons for losing weight?
So - I might as well make this a public reminder for myself.
Reasons for losing weight:
1-God should be the number one priority in my life. If I'm honest with myself, food is a huge priority.
2- My health. I want to live a long, healthy life and be able to enjoy my children and any future grandchildren. I don't want to be a burden to my family because I've made poor choices.
3- I want to look good. Let's be honest - vanity is a big reason for wanting to lose weight. I'm tired of being ashamed to wear short sleeves when it's 100 degrees outside.
4- Energy. I like to have the energy to do normal things, rather than tiring easily.
5-No shame. I hate being ashamed of my lack of control. Yes, I believe that it's possible to be addicted to food. However, I'm still fully responsible for what goes into my mouth. I don't want my children to be ashamed of me either.
6-Avoidance. I'm tired of avoiding people and events due to my weight. When I catch a glimpse of someone I know in public, my first thought is "what weight was I when they last saw me". How sad is that? If I was thinner the last time that I saw them, odds are I'm going to try to avoid them. And events? That's another issue altogether. How many things have a avoided due to my weight? Water parks. Pool parties. It would take forever to mention them all.
7-Peace. I want to feel peace rather than guilt, shame, anxiety and depression.
Three small goals will be a separate post after I've given it some thought. What are your reasons for losing weight?
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
limbo
I feel like I'm in limbo right now. I'm not actively trying to lose weight, though I definitely need to be. The binges have slowed a bit, but haven't ended. I haven't been exercising.
All of my choices aren't poor. About 98% of the time I've been eating a healthy breakfast and lunch and I'm taking the vitamins that I need. I haven't withdrawn from family and friends like I tend to do when I'm overeating on a regular basis.
At this point, I think I'd be content if I could at least maintain my weight rather than continuing to gain. I haven't posted my weight progress because I'm too ashamed to admit how much weight I've gained.
I still haven't completely given up. To someone who doesn't understand food addiction/eating disorders it would appear that I have, but I haven't. I've had a lot of experience in the past with days, weeks, months, even years of being in the "I don't care I'm going to eat what I want and I'll deal with the results later" phase. I'm not there.
I need to find the motivation to get out of this part of the cycle and get back to a healthy place. If I can't find the motivation, I need to find the determination to be healthy.
All of my choices aren't poor. About 98% of the time I've been eating a healthy breakfast and lunch and I'm taking the vitamins that I need. I haven't withdrawn from family and friends like I tend to do when I'm overeating on a regular basis.
At this point, I think I'd be content if I could at least maintain my weight rather than continuing to gain. I haven't posted my weight progress because I'm too ashamed to admit how much weight I've gained.
I still haven't completely given up. To someone who doesn't understand food addiction/eating disorders it would appear that I have, but I haven't. I've had a lot of experience in the past with days, weeks, months, even years of being in the "I don't care I'm going to eat what I want and I'll deal with the results later" phase. I'm not there.
I need to find the motivation to get out of this part of the cycle and get back to a healthy place. If I can't find the motivation, I need to find the determination to be healthy.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
swim suit torture
Does the thought of shopping for a swim suit make you shudder? Do you feel an urge to crawl into a hole after examining yourself in the dressing room mirror? Is there anyone of the female persuasion above the age of 13 or so that enjoys this event?
I took my daughter swim suit shopping today. She is thin, her weight is within the normal weight for her height/frame, and she is well proportioned. However, shopping for a swim suit was stressful for her. The stress was probably compounded by the fact that she is going to a pool party Friday evening, and it's a boy/girl event.
We had a good discussion about the fact that swim suit shopping is difficult for most of us. Even those with "perfect" bodies will quickly find flaws when scantily clad. (Not that I'm letting my 14 year old buy a skimpy bikini, mind you) I also pointed out that guys her age are also stressed about what to wear to the pool. Most of them don't have Channing Tatum's chest. If they're overweight, they consider wearing a t-shirt at the pool. If they're scrawny, they consider the t-shirt option at well. Then some of them discard that idea because they know that everyone knows why they're leaving a t-shirt on, and this will invite attention and perhaps teasing.
I proceeded to remind her that most of the people at the party are more concerned about their own appearance than hers. Fortunately, she doesn't struggle too badly with this but it still makes me sad. I wish that my daughter could look at herself through my eyes. I wish that she was more confidant about her body image. She's adorable and looks great in a swim suit. But far more important than this - if she didn't look good in a swim suit she is still a beautiful person.
In the end, my daughter decided to wear last year's swim suit. She didn't wear it very much, it's still a great style, and she liked it better than any of the suits that she tried on.
What do you say to your daughter/granddaughter/sister/niece/friend when she's discouraged about swim suit shopping?
I took my daughter swim suit shopping today. She is thin, her weight is within the normal weight for her height/frame, and she is well proportioned. However, shopping for a swim suit was stressful for her. The stress was probably compounded by the fact that she is going to a pool party Friday evening, and it's a boy/girl event.
We had a good discussion about the fact that swim suit shopping is difficult for most of us. Even those with "perfect" bodies will quickly find flaws when scantily clad. (Not that I'm letting my 14 year old buy a skimpy bikini, mind you) I also pointed out that guys her age are also stressed about what to wear to the pool. Most of them don't have Channing Tatum's chest. If they're overweight, they consider wearing a t-shirt at the pool. If they're scrawny, they consider the t-shirt option at well. Then some of them discard that idea because they know that everyone knows why they're leaving a t-shirt on, and this will invite attention and perhaps teasing.
I proceeded to remind her that most of the people at the party are more concerned about their own appearance than hers. Fortunately, she doesn't struggle too badly with this but it still makes me sad. I wish that my daughter could look at herself through my eyes. I wish that she was more confidant about her body image. She's adorable and looks great in a swim suit. But far more important than this - if she didn't look good in a swim suit she is still a beautiful person.
In the end, my daughter decided to wear last year's swim suit. She didn't wear it very much, it's still a great style, and she liked it better than any of the suits that she tried on.
What do you say to your daughter/granddaughter/sister/niece/friend when she's discouraged about swim suit shopping?
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Wind Storm 2012
It's been an eventful few days. We lost power around 9:30 p.m. Friday night due to a wind storm http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2012/07/02/powerful-wind-storm-scorching-heat-hit-eastern-united-states it didn't come back on until about 4:00 p.m. yesterday. When the temperatures are between 90 and 100 degrees every day, this is tough. It's been difficult to find ice, water, gas, and stores that will accept payment other than cash. Thousands are still without electricity, and likely will be until at least Saturday. Many have experienced damage to their homes, vehicles, and there have even been some deaths.
I have learned that there are many things, and people, that I take for granted. I'm so blessed and grateful.
*All of my friends and family are healthy and safe.
*My son wasn't hurt when he went outside at the beginning of the storm to make sure his car windows were up. I sent him out there - not realizing that this was much more than an average rain storm.
*Only a few of my friends have damaged homes, and they weren't physically harmed when the trees crashed during the storm.
*I live in a rural area, which means many people don't have water if there's no electricity. This isn't the case for us. A cold shower is far better than no shower.
*I feel loved. Several friends and acquaintances, including some that I really don't know very well, offered their homes, their food, their showers......anything that we may have needed.
*Despite anxiety issues, I was able to remain fairly calm and assist my son since he was very anxious about some of the practical ways that this effected his life. Even temporary things can cause great stress to a 20 year old trying to learn how to balance life and prioritize tasks.
*I spent some fun times with my daughter. In the evening when we would likely be each doing our "own thing", we talked and played Uno and Scrabble. :)
*I was reminded that I need to eat to live not live to eat.
I am blessed.
I have learned that there are many things, and people, that I take for granted. I'm so blessed and grateful.
*All of my friends and family are healthy and safe.
*My son wasn't hurt when he went outside at the beginning of the storm to make sure his car windows were up. I sent him out there - not realizing that this was much more than an average rain storm.
*Only a few of my friends have damaged homes, and they weren't physically harmed when the trees crashed during the storm.
*I live in a rural area, which means many people don't have water if there's no electricity. This isn't the case for us. A cold shower is far better than no shower.
*I feel loved. Several friends and acquaintances, including some that I really don't know very well, offered their homes, their food, their showers......anything that we may have needed.
*Despite anxiety issues, I was able to remain fairly calm and assist my son since he was very anxious about some of the practical ways that this effected his life. Even temporary things can cause great stress to a 20 year old trying to learn how to balance life and prioritize tasks.
*I spent some fun times with my daughter. In the evening when we would likely be each doing our "own thing", we talked and played Uno and Scrabble. :)
*I was reminded that I need to eat to live not live to eat.
I am blessed.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
one meal at a time
I'd like to say that the overeating has stopped, but it hasn't. However, I've eaten a healthy breakfast and lunch the past two days and I've been taking my vitamins. This may seem like a small accomplishment, but sometimes we have to celebrate the small successes.
I think I'm beginning to finally realize that the continuous diet-for-a-few-days/weeks/months/years-then-binge-for-a-few-days-months-years cycle that I've been in for at least twenty years is not just about my weight. Yes, I probably knew that on some level but I think I need to explore that more. Excess weight is simply a by-product of some internal work that I need to do.
It's mostly been about the weight for me. Sure, I've examined some things over the years but it's always ultimately been about the weight. If I'm honest with myself, if the disease of food addiction didn't lead to obesity I would probably give up and live with the other side effects. It's not just about weight, though.
For now, I'm celebrating a few days of eating two healthy meals each day and taking the vitamins that I need. I'm also celebrating the fact that I've continued to go to a support group.
Sometimes slow progress is lasting progress.
I think I'm beginning to finally realize that the continuous diet-for-a-few-days/weeks/months/years-then-binge-for-a-few-days-months-years cycle that I've been in for at least twenty years is not just about my weight. Yes, I probably knew that on some level but I think I need to explore that more. Excess weight is simply a by-product of some internal work that I need to do.
It's mostly been about the weight for me. Sure, I've examined some things over the years but it's always ultimately been about the weight. If I'm honest with myself, if the disease of food addiction didn't lead to obesity I would probably give up and live with the other side effects. It's not just about weight, though.
For now, I'm celebrating a few days of eating two healthy meals each day and taking the vitamins that I need. I'm also celebrating the fact that I've continued to go to a support group.
Sometimes slow progress is lasting progress.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
not alone
I haven't been able to bring myself to post because I have nothing to say. On second thought - that isn't entirely accurate. I probably have plenty to say, but nothing that I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to share.
I've mentioned before that I am an "all or nothing" type of person. To the extreme. I'm either staying on plan, exercising, making healthy choices about everything from food to vitamins and losing weight or binge eating on a daily basis and gaining weight at an amazingly rapid speed. Unfortunately, I'm in the binge-eating-on-a-daily-basis-and-gaining-weight-at-an-amazingly-rapid-speed mode.
No one wants to read about that. I certainly don't want to write it. However, I know that there are many people out there just like me. Whether you label it food addiction, binge eating disorder, compulsive overeating.....it doesn't matter. I recently read that binge eating disorder is more common than anorexia or bulimia. But no one talks about it.
So......even though I don't want to write about how I'm struggling and the light at the tunnel is very dim right now, I'm doing it anyway. Because about 4% of the population struggles with this too. Hopefully there will be people who will read this and not feel so alone.
I have not lost hope. I have not given up. It may seem that I have based on the fact that I've admitted to binge eating on a daily basis, but I haven't. By this point in my many, many cycles of "all or nothing" I have usually made a decision (sometimes conscious sometimes not) that I will not even try anymore. I haven't done that this time.
One day at a time.
I've mentioned before that I am an "all or nothing" type of person. To the extreme. I'm either staying on plan, exercising, making healthy choices about everything from food to vitamins and losing weight or binge eating on a daily basis and gaining weight at an amazingly rapid speed. Unfortunately, I'm in the binge-eating-on-a-daily-basis-and-gaining-weight-at-an-amazingly-rapid-speed mode.
No one wants to read about that. I certainly don't want to write it. However, I know that there are many people out there just like me. Whether you label it food addiction, binge eating disorder, compulsive overeating.....it doesn't matter. I recently read that binge eating disorder is more common than anorexia or bulimia. But no one talks about it.
So......even though I don't want to write about how I'm struggling and the light at the tunnel is very dim right now, I'm doing it anyway. Because about 4% of the population struggles with this too. Hopefully there will be people who will read this and not feel so alone.
I have not lost hope. I have not given up. It may seem that I have based on the fact that I've admitted to binge eating on a daily basis, but I haven't. By this point in my many, many cycles of "all or nothing" I have usually made a decision (sometimes conscious sometimes not) that I will not even try anymore. I haven't done that this time.
One day at a time.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Burger King's new bacon sundae
When I first saw the news headline about Burger King's new menu choice, I thought it was a joke. Then I read the article and realized that it was legitimate. A bacon sundae. I can't begin to fathom the thought process behind offering this. It sounds absolutely disgusting. Yes, I completely understand the appeal of the sweet and salty combination (unfortunately). But bacon and ice cream? Yuck!!!!
There is headline after headline about the obesity problem in America. Then there is the bacon sundae. The news report stated that this lovely treat has 510 calories, 18 grams of fat and 61 grams of sugar. Wow.
What saddens me more than this being offered as a menu choice, after all what can you expect from fast food, but that it obviously must appeal to enough people that Burger King made the decision to offer it. They're in business to make money, so I assume there was plenty of market research done prior to introducing this item.
I realize that I probably look at things with a different perspective due to my food/weight issues. I know that there are plenty of people who are capable of having an occasional treat while maintaining a healthy diet. In fact, most nutrition experts recommend doing this. But 510 calories, 18 grams of fat and 61 grams of sugar? Ridiculous.
Ok. enough of that rant from my soap box. As for me, I'm doing better. Tuesday and Thursday were binge free days. Wednesday night I didn't do so well - I wouldn't label it as a binge but there was definitely some overeating. Today was rough, too. Back on track tomorrow and praying to stay that way. One day at a time.
There is headline after headline about the obesity problem in America. Then there is the bacon sundae. The news report stated that this lovely treat has 510 calories, 18 grams of fat and 61 grams of sugar. Wow.
What saddens me more than this being offered as a menu choice, after all what can you expect from fast food, but that it obviously must appeal to enough people that Burger King made the decision to offer it. They're in business to make money, so I assume there was plenty of market research done prior to introducing this item.
I realize that I probably look at things with a different perspective due to my food/weight issues. I know that there are plenty of people who are capable of having an occasional treat while maintaining a healthy diet. In fact, most nutrition experts recommend doing this. But 510 calories, 18 grams of fat and 61 grams of sugar? Ridiculous.
Ok. enough of that rant from my soap box. As for me, I'm doing better. Tuesday and Thursday were binge free days. Wednesday night I didn't do so well - I wouldn't label it as a binge but there was definitely some overeating. Today was rough, too. Back on track tomorrow and praying to stay that way. One day at a time.
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