Saturday, September 22, 2012

my story

Dear Diary,

I'm having a rough day.  Realizing that I'm back to a place that I never wanted to return to is tough.  As I've gained weight so rapidly due to binge eating, the changes seem to come so suddenly.  I can't walk to the mail box without getting winded.  I have no energy.  I avoid activity.  I'm noticing some back aches and knee pain that weren't an issue when I was on a healthy path.  I hate how I look.  When I'm eating healthy and off the food, I don't think I truly remember how all of this feels.

My sister mentioned a discussion that she'd had with coworkers recently about how all of us have a story.  Your story shapes so much about you.  When I think of my life, I think about how grateful I am for God, my kids, husband, sister, nieces and parents.  Not to mention extended family and friends.  These are what is most important to me, not material things.  However, the predominant theme of my life is always somehow related to my problems with food.

The question is - do I want my story to be one of defeat and depression or one of overcoming obstacles?

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


I have such admiration for those who will go to any lengths to maintain freedom from compulsive overeating.  I'm not there.  Yet.  I pray that I will get there.

The sermon at church Sunday really resonated with me.  It was about Fear.  God doesn't give us a spirit of Fear, so if we're experiencing Fear it's not from him.  Imagine how David felt when he was facing Goliath!  A scrawny teenager facing a 9 foot plus warrior with muscles like Arnold.

Food/compulsive overeating is my Goliath.  On my own, I may be powerless.  But with help, I can overcome.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Catching Up

Dear Diary,

It's been almost a month since I posted!!  How time flies.  There are a few reasons for this.  1- I've been busy.  2- I finally joined the 21st century and set up a Facebook account.  This is part of my efforts to not isolate myself so much.  Food addiction is such an isolating disease.  I know there are better ways to reach out (phone, text, visiting a friend, etc.), but this is an avenue of "safely" staying in touch for someone like myself who is not a social butterfly.  I've been spending time on FB rather than blogs lately. 3- I haven't had anything good to report.

The third reason is the main one for my absence.  I realize that writing can be therapeutic, so avoiding doing so when my eating is out of control isn't smart.

Recently my son expressed his concerns about my rapid weight gain and return to poor eating habits.  He is such a great kid.  It broke my heart to hear him say that there isn't a day that doesn't go by that he doesn't think about my struggles.  A big burden for a 20 year old.  I admire that he loves me enough to confront me.

I considered an inpatient treatment program, but there's nothing close by (not even in my state) and my insurance doesn't cover this.  I also considered going to a counselor that specializes in eating disorders.  I haven't discounted that, but the treatment I've decided to try involves a support group of others who suffer from compulsive overeating.

So far, that's helped.  My food still hasn't gotten where it needs to be, and I have a long way to go emotionally but I'm going to stick with this group.  I'm currently trying to decide if I should join them on a retreat in October.  It is so very much out of my comfort zone.  New experiences scare me.  However, I need to seek help and perhaps this is a good avenue.

Bye for now!