Monday, October 31, 2011

bad food day

My husband was out of town, my son was at a movie, and my daughter was upstairs getting ready for bed.  Where was I?  Eating.  I didn't eat any Halloween candy, which is a major accomplishment.  But I was craving peanut butter.  Maybe this craving began with thinking about all of the candy that's around me at work and all of the candy that my daughter got while trick or treating?

We actually had some peanut butter in the house, which is unusual.  I didn't even try to fight the cravings.  I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a few spoonfuls of peanut butter, some chex mix, and some toast with butter and jelly.  Not a full blown binge, but junk that I didn't need.

Now my stomach is full of fat, and it doesn't like it.  I don't like how I feel.  Why do I do this???!!!!!  The few moments of pleasure aren't worth it.

I keep telling myself that my "issues" with food aren't related to emotion.  It's all related to a sugar addiction and a general love of food.  Is this true?  Or are the experts right; am I using food to cope with negative emotions?   Is it not merely a coincidence that this occurred while my husband is out of town?   But if loneliness is connected to my overeating, why haven't I done it frequently during the past four weeks or so while my husband has been frequently out of town?

My goal is to have healthy eating habits and a healthy relationship with food.  I will focus on the success that I've had during the past 10 months, not the relatively few setbacks.  I'm determined that this will be the last time that I lose weight.  I will lose it, and keep it off.  I will learn from tonight, and move on.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


How do you handle buying candy for trick-or-treaters when you're a sugar addict who is trying to avoid sugar?

We typically don't have very many trick-or-treaters, so fortunately I don't have to buy huge amounts of goodies.  I chose to buy candy that I don't particularly care for.  Sour gummies, starburst and a few other things.  I didn't even consider buying anything chocolate.  It would be stupid to tempt myself.

If there are leftovers, I'll probably take them to work and give them away.  Even if I let my daughter keeps them, I don't anticipate having difficulty.  As for the candy that my daughter gets, she is old enough to allow her to keep it in her room so I can't steal it!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

and the season of gluttony begins

In the past, a friend at work has given me some Hershey kisses every time she noticed a new flavor being offered.  I can't remember how this tradition began; I believe it was when we were in the same department and discussed our love of chocolate.  She surprised me today with a lovely little Fall gift that included a bag of pumpkin spice kisses.  When one of my co-workers commented that I probably wouldn't eat them, she just said that she knew that I'd been losing weight so if I didn't want to eat them it wouldn't hurt her feelings.

I don't work as closely with this friend as I did in the past, and haven't shared with her that I'm avoiding processed sugar.  This wasn't an example of her trying to sabotage my efforts like some people do; she was simply being kind.  Fortunately, the pumpkin spice flavor didn't sound very appealing to me so it didn't bother me to give them all away.

Immediately after this, another friend brought in home made peanut butter cups.  Oh. My. God.  Now that bothered me.  I adore Reese cups, and homemade ones looked heavenly.  I didn't eat any, though.

And so it begins.  The  season of overindulgence.  Sadly, I'm almost dreading the next several months because of all of the focus that there will be on food.  Parties at work. Family gatherings.  Food everywhere.

I'm sure there are very few people who aren't concerned about weight gain during the holiday season.  First there is Halloween and all of the sugar that entails.  Then thanksgiving.  Then Christmas.  Don't forget New Year's!  Depending on what study you read, the average person gains somewhere between 1 and 10 pounds during the holiday season.  I'm fairly certain that my personal average is at least 10 pounds.

This year needs to be different.  There is no reason that I can't end the holiday season weighing less than I do now.  At the very least, I'd be happy to maintain.  A gain is not acceptable.  My concern is not simply managing to accomplish this, but managing to do so without being bitter, stressed, and feeling deprived.

The unhealthy and unproductive thought process of "everyone else is overeating/It's the holidays/It's only once a year/a few won't hurt/why can't I indulge like everyone else" needs to shift to "I can enjoy the company of my family and friends, the focus of this season shouldn't be on food, I will feel better if I eat healthy, this is not depriving myself of anything, but giving myself the gift of good health.

Any suggestions for enjoying the holiday season while maintaining healthy habits?

Saturday, October 22, 2011

hiking in the mountains

My husband, my daughter and I went for a hike today.  It was a total of about 2.4 miles.  Almost the entire first part of the hiking trail was downhill, and it led to a beautiful waterfall.  Of course, that meant that almost the entire return trip was uphill.  2.4 miles may not seem like much, and if it were mostly flat or moderate hills it wouldn't be very difficult for me, either.  Due to the second part of the hike being uphill, and some rough terrain, this hike was a bit tough.

When I began this journey in January, I was at a point physically that I would have been unable to complete a hike like I did today.  I had difficulty walking even short distances.  What a difference a healthy lifestyle can make!!!!   When we were done, I felt such a sense of accomplishment!!!  Even my daughter noticed that she was having more trouble on the return trip than I was - and she is young, thin, and healthy.

The feeling that I had after this hike was far better than any food can make me feel.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


"When concerned about change, consider the beauty of Autumn."

Most of us are resistant to change.  Some of us more than others.  I have a real problem dealing with new things.  It makes my anxiety level skyrocket.  Over the years, I've learned coping skills but it is still difficult.

The quote I saw today reminded me that change isn't always a negative thing.  Since I am so resistant to change, my "knee jerk" reaction is one of negativity and fear.

I suppose the reason the quote struck me as appropriate today is that my husband will start a new job on Monday.  However, this is a very different position than he has had in the past and it will (at first at least) involve quite a bit of travel.

This worries me a bit because I don't want to use this is an excuse to binge.  I need to look at the positive aspects of this rather than the negative.  There can be beauty in change; I just need to recognize it.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

10 more pounds gone, and the torture chamber (dressing room)

I've lost 10 more pounds, which makes a total of 111 pounds!  Why is it, then, did shopping for clothes today make me grumpy and sad?  I was looking for jeans.  Granted, I feel that jeans are difficult to shop for no matter what weight I'm at.  Even at a normal weight, I have curves.  And curves aren't always easy to fit.  If the hips and thigh area fits well, then the waist is too large.  Should I buy boot cut, straight fit, trouser jean?  Light wash, medium wash, or dark wash.  100% denim or denim with a slight stretch.  (Denim with more than about 2% stretch on curvy girls is a big no-no in my opinion.)  Adding to the frustration is the fact that I need petite length, which narrows the choices quite a bit.  Especially in plus sizes.  Then there is the price tag.  Since I still have a lot of weight to loose, price is definitely a huge factor.

While loosing weight, I'm keeping my closet kind of empty.  Especially pants.  While a top that is a bit big may not look too bad, I feel that a pair of ill fitting, saggy pants look terrible.  The two pair of jeans I currently have are much too saggy.  So, I assumed when I went shopping that I would need to go down two sizes.  The jeans that I looked at were offered in three fits based on body type.  One fit is for straighter figures, one for slightly curvy, and one for very curvy.   The first two pair I took to the dressing room were for straight figures.  Silly me - what in the world was I thinking?  A size smaller in this style than my saggy, baggy pair at home wouldn't even go over my hips.  Depressing.  The second group of contenders included a moderately curvy style and a very curvy style.  The very curvy style is probably what suits me best, but they didn't have them in a size smaller than what I currently have.  They were available in two sizes smaller, but they were quite a bit too tight.  Considering how baggy my current jeans are, that was depressing.  I finally purchased a pair of the moderately curvy style in a size smaller than my current jeans.  They fit, but I don't really love how they look on me.

I need to be more positive when I'm in the dressing room.  Ultimately, a size is just a number.  Just. A. Number.  Even normal weight people have a variety of sizes in their closet; different manufacturers size their clothing differently.  There are 111 less pounds for me to have to clothe now!!!!!!!  While I may not be content to stay at my current weight and clothing size, it's far better than it was when I began this journey.  

One day, I will look good in jeans.  For now, I'm happy to buy jeans in a smaller size.  I'm happy to buy jeans at all - when I was 111 pounds heavier I didn't buy jeans because I hated how I looked in them.  I purchased mostly black, grey or brown pants.  Victory in a different form is still victory!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

weight loss milestone

For a number of years, I haven't been able to remove my wedding band because it was too tight.  It was literally stuck.  I haven't been able to wear my engagement ring because it was too tight.  Yes, I could have had my wedding band removed and my engagement ring stretched.  I didn't, though.

Having my wedding band removed would have involved having it cut off.  This would have been humiliating and heartbreaking. Having my engagement ring re-sized wouldn't have been quite as embarrassing, but somehow I felt that doing so would be like admitting to myself that I would never be a normal weight.

Even as I continued to binge eat and gain weight, and made no effort whatsoever to change my unhealthy habits, I didn't want to admit complete failure.  I still had some small amount of hope that the rings would fit again.  Not to mention that, as my weight has gone up and down over the years I've had my rings re-sized more times than I care to admit.

I can finally get my wedding band off and wear my diamond engagement ring!!!!!!  What a great feeling!!

Friday, October 7, 2011


There is such a dramatic contrast between being somewhat at peace with food and being tortured by cravings.  When I'm at peace with food, I'm typically not as stressed, I'm happier, I'm not consumed with thoughts about food, I can concentrate on life rather than being completely occupied by thoughts of sugary, fat filled junk.

Since this is obviously preferable to the alternative, why do I make choices that will lead me to the hellish path of obsession?  Why do I allow that first bite of refined sugar or high fat empty calories into my body?

It took a few days, but I'm back to a pretty good place.  The place where I'm very content with my healthy eating, I don't think about food all day, and I'm exercising.  Yes, I still think about trigger foods occasionally.  I might even long for some of those foods if I see them.  However, they don't occupy my thoughts and become an obsession.

Note to self:  staying on a healthy path is rewarding.  Food is not a reward.

Monday, October 3, 2011

empowering action

Remember my humiliating confession about the temptation to remove the "binge"food I'd thrown away from the trash bag and eat it if it hadn't touched anything else or spoiled?  Well, the thought crossed my mind again today.  So, I removed the food from the trash bag.  Since the weather has been chilly, the brownies hadn't melted.  The cheese and the biscuits were disgusting.  The french onion dip was actually still cold and the corn chips looked ok.

Do you know what I did?  I made certain that I absolutely would not and could not eat that junk!!!!!  I stuck the brownies in the dip, then covered it in dish liquid.  I put dish liquid and water in the corn chip bag.  I know this probably sounds crazy, but it was very empowering and......most worked!!!!  Gone were my cravings, and gone was the temptation to binge.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Note to self: overcoming the urge to binge is wonderful!

When the urge to binge strikes, but I don't succumb I feel wonderful!!  There is tremendous relief because there is no need for guilt or shame.  There is happiness at the peace I feel as opposed to the negative emotions that follow a binge.

Remember this!!!

Saturday, October 1, 2011


I feel as if a part of me is broken or defective.  The part of the brain that should prohibit compulsive behavior.  Barely 24 hours after I've (once again) found that binges aren't very pleasurable, I wanted to do it again.

 I want to have peace with food.  How badly do I want that, though?  Is that desire stronger than the desire to eat sugary, fatty foods?  Can that desire and my commitment to good health outweigh (no pun intended) my compulsive tendencies?

The day started out fairly well.  I was determined to get back on plan.  I ate oatmeal for breakfast, then went grocery shopping.  That went surprisingly well.  The desires didn't hit until after I took my daughter to meet some friends.  I was driving home when I was overwhelmed with cravings.  I would have the house to myself for about 3 hours.  (My husband is out of town and my son is at work)  The old familiar debate began in my mind. Remember the old cartoons where the angel is on one shoulder and the devil is on the other?  The devil is telling me to stop by the grocery store and buy ice cream and cake.  The angel is reminding me of what those types of foods do to me physically, emotionally and psychologically.  The battle between my desire to be healthy and the urge to binge is horrible.  I was literally in tears.  Unless you understand eating disorders and food addiction, this probably makes no sense to you.

This is so very humiliating and degrading to admit, but in order to be honest and accountable I will share something.  I even considered taking the food I'd thrown away yesterday out of the trash.  Only a true addict would consider such a disgusting action.  I began rationalizing this in my head.  "There was very little else in that trash bag - the food wasn't touching anything else."  "It was cold last night, it didn't spoil".  How disgusting, abnormal and twisted is it to consider something like that?!

After struggling for a bit, I sent a text to my son.  I knew that once I did that, I wouldn't stop at the grocery store.  I needed that accountability.  As soon as I got home, I went for a 45 minute walk.  That helped tremendously.

What can I learn from this?  This "episode" involved several things.  My sugar intake yesterday triggered cravings, then being alone set the stage for a problem.  So, step one is don't eat refined sugar and/or high fat foods.  Step two - if I mess up and eat these things, be proactive and plan deterrents for the days to follow.  Exercise earlier in the day.  Don't spend time alone.

Victory is mine!