Saturday, January 28, 2012

important "peace" of advice

When I'm battling the demons of disordered eating, I long for peace.  To make peace with food, the inner struggles with disordered eating patterns, obsessive thoughts, compulsive eating, and the resulting despair, shame and guilt.

Peace can not be found in food.  Food is fuel, and should be treated as such.  Food is not love, it doesn't effectively soothe anxiety, depression or loneliness.  It may temporarily improve mood, but this is only a fleeting side effect.

True peace and joy can only be found in God.  When my focus is on Him, everything else will fall into place.

Fierce determination

This week I've made poor choices.  I've eaten a lot of junk and I haven't exercised.  After days of doing this, I've finally reached the point where I truly want to get back on track.  I want to get back into my healthy routine.  I don't feel good, I have no energy, my skin is reacting with more acne breakouts....ugh.

If you don't struggle with binge eating/compulsive overeating, I'm sure it's hard to understand how someone can repeat the same behaviors over and over again while receiving little to no incentive for doing so.  Weight loss and maintenance is simple.  Eat healthy and exercise.  However, it's not easy.  If it were, then everyone would be skinny and the weight loss industry would be non-existant.  Combine low self esteem, anxiety/depression, the addictive quality of sugar/fat/salt, and  easy access to such foods and you have the perfect binge eating disorder cocktail.

Even when I'm not motivated to get out of the pit, I need to be determined.  Fiercely determined to overcome.  Failure isn't's not getting back up.  Today, this very minute, I choose to get back up.

Friday, January 27, 2012

rambling thoughts

Why do I sometimes fall back into old habits?  Why, when I know that there is a risky time on the road ahead, do I purposefully sabotage my healthy plans?  Why do I take the all or nothing approach that is common among dieters/ binge eaters/ those with eating disorders to a whole new level?  Why does this further level include a 180 degree turn from healthy eating/exercising/reading materials that involve health and wellness/taking vitamins to eating junk food/no exercise/no vitamins/can't stand reading fitness magazines/the thought of eating healthy food is completely unappealing?  Why is it that I am frugal when spending money on clothing, make-up, items for the house, etc., but I don't give a second thought to spending money on junk food?  Why am I appalled when grapes are $1.99 a pound but, when bingeing on junk food, I don't bat an eyelash at $4.99 for a pint of Ben & Jerry's?   

What reward do I receive from unhealthy habits?
*the first few bites taste really good

What reward do I receive when I make healthy choices?
*I feel good.
*I enjoy the taste of healthy, whole foods such as fruits and veggies.
*My emotions are more stable.
*There is no guilt.
*I focus on non food related activities that I enjoy such as reading, praying, spending time with my family.
*I'm not distracted by food....I can concentrate when I'm talking to my husband on the phone rather than thinking of the next bite of sugar laden food.
*I look better.
*It is easier to purchase attractive clothing.
*I can take pride in accomplishments such as meeting food, fitness, and weight loss goals.
*Once I haven't consumed sugar for 3 or 4 days, I generally don't crave it.
*My energy level is higher.
*I sleep better.

I could probably continue listing the rewards that are involved when healthy choices are made, but it's late and I'm getting tired.  I've made poor choices this week, and I'm trying to examine all of this a bit.  It's painful, but necessary.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

ups and downs

The first two days of my vacation have been really nice.  I've spent time with my mom, spent time with a friend, got some new makeup, and I've done some things around the house that I've been neglecting.  Food and exercise started out ok, but quickly went downhill.

If I'm being completely honest with myself, while a part of me was planning lots of non-food related things to do and purchasing healthy foods to make sure that they were readily available, etc. another part of me was planning a "binge day".  I know that makes no sense whatsoever.  During the past month or so when I've struggled with junk food, you would think that I would have learned that this no longer holds the appeal that it used to.  After the first few bites, the foods don't really taste good.  I don't get that "high" any more.  The after effects are not good.

Once the binge day idea entered my head, the thoughts became incessant.  Rather than waiting until Friday to eat my favorite foods as I had originally planned (rationalizing that it wouldn't do too much damage since I would eat healthy the rest of the week), why not start on Monday?  I made a special trip to the store to purchase some things.  I did throw away some of what I purchased, but still continued with unhealthy choices today.

I know this might be hard to believe, but I am learning from these "episodes".  I'm learning that I don't feel good after I eat junk.  I'm learning that I actually prefer healthy foods over processed foods.  While the first few bites may taste good, after that it isn't very appealing to continue.  The act of bingeing isn't pleasurable.  Now - how can I get my brain to remember all of this when the call of sugar and fat begins?

Friday, January 20, 2012

Vacation plans

I'm on vacation next week!  I'm not really going anywhere; just taking some vacation time that I'll lose if I don't take before 2/1/12.  I have plans to have breakfast with my sister one day, spend some time with my mom, see some friends that I don't get to see very often, read a book or two, shop a little bit, maybe get a haircut ( I need a new "do"), and also spend some time doing some cleaning and organizing that I've been putting off.

I will eat healthy and exercise.  I will stay in touch with my accountability partner and post here.  I will spend time enjoying non-food related activities.  That can be hard for me.  When I have extra time, there is just something appealing about curling up with a good book and eating junk food.  That's something that I honestly miss.  I have to remind myself that I don't miss any of the ramifications of this, though, and that there are plenty of non-food related things that I can derive pleasure from.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

victory over temptation

We had a party at work today.  It was Mexican themed and there were lots of yummy, cheesy, fat filled foods.  I didn't eat anything; I brought my own healthy lunch.  It was hard, though.  The smell of cheesy dips and other delightful things made for a difficult day.

I was proactive.  I sent a text to my son, and an email to my accountability partner.  It also helped that several people commented on my weight loss today.  I think more people are noticing because January is weight loss resolution month.

After leaving work, I did not stop at the grocery store to buy binge food.  That can be a temptation for me after resisting temptation somewhere public.  I overcame the urge, though.

I feel good about today, and proud of my choices!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


I'm angry with myself.  Yesterday started out very well.  I ate healthy, exercised, my stress level wasn't particularly high....all in all a good day.  However, I found myself eating mindlessly last night.  What a waste of calories and time and energy!!! I don't know why I did it.  I wasn't really having cravings to speak of, but I didn't even try to do anything to stop the eating.   I did stop before it was too bad, and the food wasn't really unhealthy.  But the point is - I ate for a reason other than hunger.

I've moved on, and today has been a great day.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

up 2 pounds

My weight in today reflected a gain of 2 pounds.  Actually, I'm quite surprised that it wasn't 5-10 pounds after the overeating I've done during the past month.

I need to be very careful.  In my disordered way of thinking, it is easy to say "I ate ALL of that and only gained two pounds??!!!  Hmmmm.......a little more junk wouldn't hurt."  But it does hurt.  It keeps me on an unhealthy path physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

On another note, I read recently that some people find that taking a Glutamine supplement helps with sugar cravings.  I'm sure it's not a miracle cure, but I don't think it could hurt.  I purchased some today.  Has anyone had experience with this?

Thursday, January 12, 2012

accountability partner

I was thinking yesterday that it would be nice to have an accountability partner.  My son helps me with this a bit, though I feel guilty about that.  Even if he is almost 20 years old, he is still my child.  I don't want him to feel in any way responsible for my decisions.  This blog also holds me accountable.  However, another person (or maybe more) would be nice.

I think God has sent me one!  I got a sweet email today from a lady at work.  I only know her by sight, and I knew her first name but that's about it.  She explained that she has been admiring my weight loss, and she needs to lose weight, and she wanted to know how I was doing it.  Over the course of several emails, we exchanged numbers and personal email addresses and agreed to be an encouragement to one another and to hold one another accountable.

This was nice, because I doubt that I would have ever reached out to someone like this.  I am such a private person.  That's why my blog is basically anonymous.  I have a really difficult time sharing things with people.  I feel that I need to learn how to do that more.  In doing so, I would help myself, have more accountability, and perhaps helps others.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


addiction:  the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.  

Is it possible to be addicted to food?  Or perhaps specific things like sugar, salt and/or fat?  I definitely feel enslaved to food, and I hate that.  I do feel that it is both psychologically and physically habit forming.  Does cessation of sugar/salt/fat cause severe trauma? sure feels that way sometimes.  

I'm still having trouble getting back on track.  I'll stick with healthy eating and exercise for a day or two, then overeat for a day or two.  I don't want to binge.  I don't want to continue gaining back the weight I've lost.  I want this to be the last time I lose weight.  I want to be healthy.  Despite all of this, I still sabotage my efforts?  Why do I do this?

Regardless of whether compulsive behavior and/or addiction plays a part, I still take full responsibility for my actions and choices.  

I've hit a rough patch, but I refuse to give up.  I saw a great quote recently.  "Failure isn't what happens when you fall, it's what happens if you don't get back up."  I am getting back up.  

Made to crave

Watched a great webcast last night on  If you have food issues, and you haven't read this book - I highly recommend it!

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Tea party "results"

Food has been much better, so I decided to go to the tea party today.  My plan was to eat a few snacks if there were healthy ones available, and to stay away from sweets.  I did well!  I ate some fruit, nuts, a cucumber finger sandwich on whole wheat, and a few other healthy things.  I was really proud of myself.  It was a treat, I didn't feel deprived, and I didn't travel along the sugary path to torture.

Fast forward to this evening.  I snacked all evening.  Not necessarily unhealthy things, but I'm sure I consumed more calories than I should have and I didn't stick with my normal healthy dinner.  What's also a negative facet of this is that after a while I wasn't really eating out of hunger, I was eating just for the sake of doing so.  

After the party, I was really determined to get straight back on plan.  Am I that sensitive to any of the fat and sugar I may have consumed at the party that I didn't even realize?  Do I have such an all or nothing mentality than any variation from my normal food plan, even if it's not "cheating", leads to overeating later?  Or.....had this event not been so soon after some binges would I have handled things better?  

Not sure what the answer is.  Will ponder that, because I want this to be a learning experience to draw from in the future.  

This week will be busy; my co-worker is on vacation so I will be working more.  I'm hoping to use that to my advantage.  I'll be too busy to plan binges and I'll be leaving work later so I will not want to stop and buy junk food.  Getting home later will making exercise more of a challenge, though.  I will overcome!!!!

Friday, January 6, 2012

it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

Do you remember that silly song from Mr. Rogers?  "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood....."  I don't even remember the rest.  Kind of corny.  For some reason that came to mind when I was thinking of a title.  Probably because it was about 70 degrees here today!!!  Unseasonably warm, and I took advantage of it by walking.  If the weather is nice, I typically prefer walking rather than exercising inside with a DVD.  This was a nice treat!

Food has continued to be much better.  I did have a craving for Oreos today, but I was quickly able to get past that.  I'm glad, because I've had a few stressful things going on with my kids.  I thought having small children was hard, but I believe that having a teenager and a young adult child is far more stressful!!  I'm blessed with great kids, though.  It can be hard to know if you're making the right decisions sometimes, regardless of the age of your children.  I will not eat my way through these stressful situations, though.  That will only make it worse.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

sham artist

Yesterday at work, three different people at three separate times commented on my weight loss.  "You're doing such a great job!!"  "You look wonderful!".  I felt like a sham artist or something. I don't feel as if  I should be admired, especially after the choices I made throughout December.  Not to mention that there was a time that I lost more weight than I currently have.  It took about two years to lose the weight.  I kept it off for about a year, then it took less than a year to gain all of it back.  I don't feel like very much of a success story.

I don't believe in coincidences.  I feel like God knew that in the midst of this struggle, I needed some encouragement and he sent three "angels" my way.  I need to learn to handle compliments better, and to be proud of what I have accomplished rather than concentrating on the struggles.

Today has been much, much better.  It's as if that switch that I mentioned before has been flipped.  Now, I will work on figuring out how to keep that switch permanently in the right direction.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

night time eating

I made healthy food choices all day yesterday, and exercised for about 40 minutes yesterday evening.  Then night time hit.  I was kind of hungry, but one food led to another, then another.  I'm angry that I did that.  There was no reason to do this, and I feel like I've taken the proverbial two steps back for every one step forward.

I'm not going to dwell on the poor choices of yesterday.  I can't redo them, so I will move on.  Eating my healthy breakfast now.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Tea party

Every year my mom's church has a tea party for the ladies sometime in January or February.  It is a wonderfully fun event.  Of course, the event revolves around food.  Particularly sugar filled foods such as cookies, cakes and a chocolate fountain.

I enjoy attending this event with my mom, daughter, my sister and my nieces.  It's great girl time!  Last year, I was at the beginning of my journey so I took my daughter but didn't stay.  I knew I couldn't handle it, and it didn't really bother me to miss it.

If the last few weeks hadn't been so difficult, I might have considered going this year.  Not for the food, but for the bonding time.  I could drink some tea (no sugar, of course) and maybe find something healthy like fruit to snack on.  Now, I'm not so sure what to do.  It's January 8.  Any recommendations?

Sunday, January 1, 2012

a fresh, clean start

Yesterday was busy, and regrettably the day included overeating again.  Today, however, is a fresh new day.  A clean slate.  I feel better when I'm eating healthier and exercising, and I'm committed to halt the progress of the past month.  I will not spend a moment more ruminating about eating disorders, how hard it can be to resist the call of sugar, etc.  It is what it is, and I can either get past that and choose to make healthier choices, or I can stay in a pit of self despair.  Today, I choose to run out of that pit.

Happy New Year!!