Wednesday, August 22, 2012


Dear Diary,

Today is my 39th birthday.  Wow.  Where did the time go?  I must admit that I'm feeling kind of down right now.  I always spend some time reflecting on my life when my birthday rolls around, and I'm not sure I like what I see.  Don't misunderstand - I am definitely blessed.  I have a wonderful family, a job that I like, and most importantly a God who loves me :)  What I don't like is, of course, my weight.  I also don't feel that I've accomplished very much in my life.  Perhaps I'm just being too hard on myself.  I need to turn this pity party into an opportunity to improve.

Enough of that.  Happy Birthday to Me  :)  Here's to a great year!!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

interesting weekend

Dear Diary,

I had such a great weekend!  Friday, we traveled to attend my son's first bodybuilding competition.  We had a great time, and it was far more interesting to watch than I'd expected.

I am so proud of my son.  He has been lifting weights for several years, and he's extremely dedicated.  He's disciplined with his exercise routine and his diet.  He was the youngest competitor (20 years old) and he placed in the top 5 in the men's debut category!!!!

It was wonderful to spend time with my family, and I appreciated it so very much.

Seeing all of these healthy people caused mixed emotions.  I was embarrassed at my lack of self control.  Regardless of suffering from food addiction, I still need to take responsibility for my choices.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

closet debate

Dear Diary,

As I lost weight last year, I got rid of my clothes that were too large.  If they were still nice, I donated them to Good Will.  If they weren't they were thrown away.  After all, this is what all the experts say to do, right?  Keeping clothes that are too large give you a safety net for regaining the weight.  The need to purchase new items if the scales go back up should be motivation to stay on track.

I'm beginning to think that theory is rubbish.  Hogwash.  Whatever silly word you'd like to say.  As I've written in all of my recent entries, I've gained a substantial amount of weight back.  Much of my clothing doesn't fit.  Even if I were to get my act together this very second and reverse this trend, it would still take a while to be able to wear some of the smaller sizes in my closet.  This leaves several choices.  Wear the limited items that fit, wear clothes that are too tight and unflattering, and/or buy a few things in larger sizes.  None of these are good for my already injured self esteem.  If I had kept a few of the nicer pieces as I lost weight, I'd have another choice.  I think this would be less humiliating than the other choices I mentioned.

Any thoughts?

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I am more

Dear Diary,

I am more than a number on the scale.  I am more than the size of my clothing.  My self worth isn't about whether the number on the scale is going up, down, or staying the same.

My self esteem has, for many years, been directly tied to my weight.  If I'm gaining weight, my self esteem plummets.  If I'm eating healthy and losing weight my self esteem is a bit better.

When will I make the choice to not allow compulsive overeating  to consume a majority of my thoughts and actions?  When will I learn that I am a valuable, beautiful child of God, a kind person, a good listener, a good mom, friend, sister, daughter?  When will it become less difficult to even key those words without wanting to hit the delete key because it seems like I'm either bragging or not telling the full truth?  When will I not want to add a disclaimer that I could be a much better mom, friend, sister, daughter?

Perhaps if my self esteem improves the number on the scale will go down because I've learned that I'm worth not abusing my body.  I'm worth not using food in ways other than nourishment.

I'm reminded of some of the lyrics of Tenth Avenue North's song "You Are More":

You are more than the choices that you've made,You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,You are more than the problems you create,You've been remade.

Monday, August 6, 2012

don't know what you've got 'til it's gone

Dear Diary,

Last year when I'd lost 100+ pounds, I didn't fully appreciate the benefits.  I was still overweight, but I felt far more comfortable in my own skin.  I could climb a flight of steps without getting winded.  I could go into any clothing shop that carried plus sizes and purchase something off the rack rather than having to order things online.  I could even wear some things in xl or xxl from certain clothing companies.  I wasn't worried that I wouldn't fit comfortably in a movie theater seat.  I felt somewhat normal.

Now that I've gained back a significant amount of that, I miss those things.  I miss looking into the mirror and being able to find my cheekbones.  I miss looking into the mirror and realizing that I looked pretty good!  Now I'm avoiding mirrors again.  I miss being confidant when I run into an old friend; now I would probably try to avoid them.

I shouldn't let these things lead me into a cycle of despair, depression and more overeating.  These should be motivation to get back on track and make healthy choices physically and emotionally.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Good advice

Dear Diary,

I read a great article in a magazine today.  It was about Dr. Oz, and something he said really resonated with me.

"Cravings are driven by your mind, not actual hunger."  Dr. Mehmet Oz

Of course, this is completely logical.  Most everyone knows this.  However, seeing it in black and white was powerful for me.  He went on to say "This means that you don't need to eat to quell them.  Instead, call a friend - this will distract you long enough for the craving to pass."  

This is exactly what has been discussed in the support group I've been attending.  Someone mentioned that a craving will typically pass in 15 minutes.  You can choose to eat, (which may lead to overeating if you're a compulsive overeater) or you can choose to call a friend, write in a journal, exercise, or engage in some other healthy behavior.  

The question is, what will I choose to do when cravings hit?

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Blog makeover

Dear Diary,

Once again I've been too ashamed and embarrassed to write a blog post.  My weight is up.  (That's an understatement).  I've continued to overeat.  I'm very rarely exercising.  From all appearances, I've given up.  Why bother posting?  What good would it do?

Then I remembered. Yes, I did begin this blog as mainly a weight loss blog.  Yes, I steadily lost weight from January to around December of 2011 for what I'd really hoped would be the last time.  However - I began this blog for me.  It's healthy to write out one's thoughts.  Especially for those like myself who tend to stuff their feelings inside rather than sharing them.  Who cares what anyone else thinks?  I only have a few followers.  For anyone who can learn something from what I have to write here, that's wonderful.  Even if it's simply that they learn that they are not suffering alone.  That is such a major lesson to learn.  For anyone who doesn't understand, doesn't care, or is frustrated by my current outward lack of progress - they can move on.  If there are those who would like to encourage or make recommendations, then I welcome that.

I changed my blog appearance a bit.  One of the main changes is that I removed the weight loss area.  I was hesitant to do this, because I do need to work on that.  At this point, though, I'm learning that my weight is a side effect of the disease of compulsive overeating.  If I don't address the tough stuff, then the weight will always return.  If I address the "issues", then weight loss will come.

Welcome to my journey; the good, the bad, the frustrations and the triumphs.