Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Happy days are here again

Today has been much, much better.  I'm back to my healthy routine and I haven't really had any cravings to speak of.  Staying away from sugar works so well.  The million dollar question is - am I willing to avoid sugar for the rest of my life? I'm not going to look that far ahead yet.  One day at a time.

Monday, April 25, 2011

rough day

After yesterdays sugar intake, I expected today to be tough and it was.  It started out ok, but around lunch time I started craving chocolate.  I began planning my after work stop to buy junk.  After all, what's a little bit more when I already messed up yesterday?  What's another indulgence when I've lost almost 50 pounds?  I still have a lot more to go, what difference does a small binge make?

I would go to Kroger and buy one of those home made peanut butter eggs that has been haunting me.  After all, they'd be half price today!  If they were sold out, surely there would be some Reese eggs still there.  Then someone mentioned home made calzones.  Mmmmmm.......so then I began craving pizza.  Then someone started eating E.L.Fudge cookies.  Ugh.

The agony.  As usual, the defeating thoughts began.  "Why can't I be normal and eat these things sometimes?" "Why do I have this problem?"

While eating my healthy lunch, I tried some of the tactics I've heard about or read about.  "How will I feel if I choose to buy that junk?"  "Yes, it's only one day but one day leads to another.  Then another. And one more."

My son has told me many times that I should text him when I'm having trouble.  As soon as I got into the car to leave work, I did that.  For me, it's not about the response.  Once I've sent the text, I know that if I do eat things that are unhealthy I will have to tell him.  It's all about accountability.

When I arrived home and opened the mail, I received the sweetest card from a lady who occasionally attends our church.  I know that it was no coincidence that it arrived today.  She was thanking me for the notes that I've sent her and telling me how much they've meant to her.  Please understand that I'm not saying this to "toot my own horn".   Actually, I've only sent her one or two cards and I'm ashamed to say those haven't been recent.  That card meant so much to me.

You see - it's so easy to allow an eating issue to define ourselves.  Our thought life gets so wrapped up in this.  How much do I weigh?  How much have I lost?  What should I eat today?  What can't I eat?

I'm more than an eating disorder.  I am a beautiful child of God, and with his help I can conquer this and move on to healthier, more rewarding things.


Sunday, April 24, 2011

tough food day

My day started ok.  I ate oatmeal with raisins for breakfast.  I decided to skip the breakfast at church to avoid temptation.  I ate a light lunch since I knew that we were having dinner at my sister's at 4:00 p.m.

The afternoon didn't go as well as I would have liked.  I wouldn't necessarily classify what I did as a binge, but I ate stuff that I definitely should not have.  I ate two Little Debbie brownies (no, I don't keep them in the house.  my husband occasionally has a "secret stash", and I found them). Then I ate one of the chocolate "nests" that I made to take to my sisters.  Of course this large amount of sugar had to be followed by something salty, so I ate a couple of handfuls of Chex Mix and peanuts.

As I was eating this junk, I began the old unwise thought process.  "Well, since I've blown it I should go to Kroger tomorrow after work and either buy the home made chocolate/peanut butter egg that I saw yesterday, or I should buy a six pack of Reese's eggs and eat them!!".  Nope.  Not gonna do it.

I did ok at dinner, I guess.  I ate many things that are not currently part of my healthy eating plan.  Mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, a biscuit with butter.  With the exception of the mac & cheese (my sister makes the best EVER) I ate small portions.  The only sweet thing I ate was some "fluffy" fruit salad that includes Cool Whip and sour cream.

Overall, I was content with dinner.  I didn't eat until I was stuffed or felt sick.  I did eat things that I shouldn't eat on a regular basis, but I ate them in fairly small quantities and these aren't really "trigger foods".

A few minutes ago, I found my husbands chocolate stash and ate a few pieces.  Between this and my minor binge earlier, I'm not really happy with my day.

I will not dwell on any of this and use it is an excuse to continue.  As of this minute, I am back to my healthy eating plan.  I think that a quote from Roni's blog (http://ronisweigh.com) sort of fits here:

It’s not what we do occasionally that makes the difference. It’s what we do consistently.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

anxiety and depression

Along with compulsive overeating, I also struggle with anxiety and depression.  What came first?  The eating disorder or the anxiety and depression?  I'm not sure.  I'm blessed that my struggles are relatively small in comparison to others that I know who deal with the same issues.  I'm able to keep things very well controlled with medication.

Once in a while, anxiety and/or depression rear their ugly heads.  I do find that when I'm having difficulty with one or both, my cravings often increase.  I'm having a bit of anxiety over a few things.  While I know that they are actually not worth being stressed about, I still do.  Then when the anxiety settles a bit, I tend to find myself on the flip side of that - a bit depressed.

Now that I recognize these, I've learned better coping skills than eating.  It can still be difficult though.  I often find that these feelings creep in around holidays.  The combination of spending time with family (not all of my family causes these feelings!) and having to deal with food that I don't normally have to is hard.

I'm a bit down today, so grocery shopping this morning wasn't easy.  I made it down the Easter candy aisle without too much of a struggle.  Then I noticed home made Easter eggs in the bakery section.  Huge, chocolate covered peanut butter goodness.  I made the unwise choice to hover over the table examining these.  Then I turned away and began to change my thought process.  Sure, I could buy one of those eggs.  I could eat it.  Though it looks delicious, it probably wouldn't taste as good as I think it would.  How would I feel after eating it?  The temporary pleasure is not worth it.

Do holidays cause you stress?

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Spring Break

Spring Break hasn't been as challenging as I expected!  What a blessing.  I've enjoyed not having to go to work this week, and my daughter is out of school.  We haven't done anything super exciting, but it has been nice not to have to set an alarm clock.  We've gone to the movies, shopped (too much!), I've done some spring cleaning, and a few other things.  

As I mentioned before, during times like these in the past I've spent more time than I'd care to admit eating. Curling up with a good book and some form of junk food has always been my idea of relaxation.  There is a big part of me that misses that.  However, I know that I can't allow habits like that to remain in my life.

This week I've been more active than I would have in the past.  I've walked every day, spent some time every day cleaning, etc.  Sure - I've spent time reading and relaxing, but not as much as I would have in the past.

I haven't really had any cravings to speak of!!!!  I can't begin to describe what a relief that is.

On Sunday, we are having a breakfast at church and we've been invited to my sister's house for dinner.  I'm planning to skip the breakfast.  I'm taking two desserts to my sister's house.  Some would say that doing so is an unwise move for a sugar addict, but I'm going to plan well.  I'm making carrot cake and chocolate nests.  The carrot cake isn't too much of a temptation.  The chocolate nests might be.  I plan to ask my daughter to help me bake, so that I will have some accountability.  I absolutely will not bring any leftovers home.

A decision I haven't quite made yet is what to eat at dinner.  I'm not quite sure of the menu, but I believe there will be traditional Southern items - ham, mashed potatoes, mac & cheese, rolls etc.  I don't have a problem eating the ham.  Even though I'm currently eating a vegan diet for the most part, eating meat occasionally isn't a problem for me.  It's the rest of the menu that I'm unsure of.  Do I stay with only fruits and veggies?  Or do I eat small amounts of some of the potatoes and mac & cheese?  I'm definitely not at a point where I could eat a small amount of dessert as a rare treat.  That slope is too slippery for now, and it may always be.

What would you suggest?

Saturday, April 16, 2011

I've lost 48 pounds!

Wow!  It's nice to see the results of healthy eating.  I still have a lot more weight to lose, but I'm proud of my progress.

Ultimately, my goal is to have consistent healthy habits.  I want to make healthy food and exercising a part of the norm, not a part of a diet that will change as soon as I've lost the weight that I need to lose.

I ate lunch at McDonald's today.  It definitely wasn't my first choice, but due to circumstances that weren't entirely within my control, McDonald's it was.  I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich without the mayo.  According to their web site, this sandwich has 420 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3 grams of fiber ,11 grams of sugar(!!??), 32 grams of protein, and 1190 grams of sodium.  Removing the mayo should have dropped the fat grams a bit.  I'm not very happy with the sugar and the sodium. Overall, though, I'm happy with my choice and it was satisfying. I'm glad I didn't add the fruit and yogurt parfait - it has 21 grams of sugar!!

Friday, April 15, 2011

pizza again?!?!?!

The company provided pizza for lunch today.  Again.  The smell of high fat goodness, again.  Ugh.  My strategy was the same as yesterday.  Avoidance.  As soon as I started smelling the pizza, I left the area and ate my healthy lunch elsewhere.

 I think I will fix a healthy pizza one day next week.  Whole wheat crust, pizza sauce, onions, peppers, black olives and veggie sausage.

Next week, my daughter is on spring break and I am on vacation!  I'm not too concerned about the temptation of "treating" myself to junk food/sugary foods as I have always done in the past during times like these.  I am well aware of the risks, though, and have planned to avoid specific behaviors that might cause temptation.

I might buy my daughter some foods that I wouldn't normally keep in the house as a spring break treat, but I will not buy any "trigger foods".  I don't plan to eat at restaurants this week, however if these plans change I will likely go to Panera since my daughter loves it and I can choose something healthy.  I will continue with my daily walk.  (I've been walking about 20 minutes a day!!) My "treats" will be non-food related.  Shopping for a new outfit, spending time with daughter, reading, walking, etc.

What non-food related treats to you like?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

cupcakes part 2, and pizza

The day after the company provided cupcakes for everyone at the celebration, there were leftovers.  I've been told they were still moist and yummy.   I'm so happy to say that it bothered me a bit, but the urge to eat one was not overwhelming.

Today, for reasons unknown to me, the company provided donuts, cookies, fruit and coffee for breakfast. Then pizza for lunch!!  Is my willpower and strength being tested?!  At least there was fruit this morning.  I avoided the donuts, and again I'm happy to say that it didn't bother me too much.

Then came the pizza.  It was set up close enough to my desk that the smell was almost overwhelming.  Oooey, gooey, cheesy goodness.  I reminded myself of how much fat there is in only one slice.  It was hard.  Since it was lunchtime, I decided to avoid temptation by going to the cafeteria and eating my veggie chicken sandwich on a whole wheat bun and grapes.

My brain began the all too familiar destructive self-talk.  "This isn't fair."  "Why can't I treat myself this time". "It smells sooooooooooo good."  "Why can't I be normal and eat a slice or two like everyone else."

Before I went any farther into this pity party, I reminded myself of something in the "Made to Crave" book I just finished reading.  (I will probably read it again - it's that good!)  Everything is permitted, but not everything is beneficial.  Is that pizza beneficial?  No.  Lots of fat, crust made out of white flour, addictive.

When the work day was over, I was happy to be able to say that I overcame the temptations!!!!  That feels much better than eating pizza or donuts ever could.  No guilt.  No beating myself up over bad choices.  No subsequent sugar cravings.

God is good!!  He never allows temptation without allowing a way out.

Monday, April 11, 2011


We had a big company-wide celebration at work today.  The company purchased the most delicious looking cupcakes I've ever seen for this event.  They were so beautiful!  These were not your cheap, yellow cupcakes with mounds of too-sweet frosting.  These were gorgeous chocolate, vanilla, red velvet, strawberry, carrot cake........you get the idea.

Oddly enough, my choice not to get a cupcake didn't bother me very much.  I'm sure they were very tasty, but knowing that indulging in one of these treats would cause me to crave sugar for days was enough of a deterrent for me.


Sunday, April 3, 2011


The dreaded word.  I've never really been a fan of physical exertion.  I absolutely dreaded gym class when I was in school.  I wasn't really overweight then, but I'm not very coordinated and don't excel at sports.  There has been only been one time in my life that I actually came to enjoy walking, and I even did Taebo!

At my current weight, exercise is very difficult.  Therefore, I've rationalized the fact that I haven't begun any form of exercise.  "I'm going to eat healthy for a while first."  "I'm taking baby steps in this journey".  That's what I've been telling myself since I began in January.

This week, I've walked several times.  I've only spent about 15 minutes walking each time.  The area of my street where I'm walking is mostly flat, so the first part of my excersions have been pleasant.  Walking back home on a slight to medium incline has been difficult.  It's embarassing that I'm so out of breath when I'm done.

My husband went with me one night, and my daughter went with me the other times.  That has helped.  I'm praying for motivation to continue with this area of my journey to be healthy!!