Friday, December 30, 2011

change in obsession

Do you feel that those who are successfully maintaining weight loss tend to transfer their obsession from food to something healthier?  I'm using the word "obsession" not in a negative way, but for lack of a better word.  For example, perhaps the successful maintainer who was a couch potato now teaches an exercise class 5 days a week.  Or the former obese person that could barely walk across the room now runs marathons throughout the year.  What about the person who was overweight all of their life but is now a Weight Watchers leader?  Are there former morbidly obese folks who are motivated to obtain their degree in nutrition and become dietitians?

Perhaps this is an effective approach because the passion has been transferred from food to something positive, and the level of involvement and accountability makes completely going back to old habits more difficult?

return to the pit

I slid straight back into the pit.  No, let's be honest.  I jogged quickly back into the pit.  The seventh binge of the month.  I cringe inwardly and outwardly as I write about yet another day of compulsive eating.  It seems so stupid!  So counterproductive.  Why keep making the same mistakes again and again but expect different results?  Isn't that the definition of insanity?

By now, the Reese trees have turned into a Reese forest.  I ate six more today.  Followed by a chocolate shake, some onion rings, some cheddar cheese, and some peanut butter Oreos.

The day started out with a healthy breakfast.  Then a friend brought beautiful cupcakes to work.  I didn't eat one, but they looked and smelled so good.  A bit later, the conversation at work somehow turned to fast food.  Then someone ate chicken nuggets and french fries at their desk.  I began to think about what I should buy after work.  I didn't even really fight it.  I just did it.

I noticed that after I ate the Reese trees (all six of them), I hit a point in the sugar high where I didn't really feel guilty yet.  I felt good.  I realize that the sugar intake makes me feel so good!!! I'm sure that this is part of the reason that I keep repeating these negative behaviors.....the reward of feeling really good.  Is it worth it, though?  

There were such a variety of thoughts swirling in my head throughout the day.  "I've spent a fair amount of money on these 7 binges.  I could have done something constructive with that."  "I'm sure I've gained weight.....but overall I've still lost a huge amount of weight so it's ok.  I'll get back on track."

I know that this is a very rambling, disorganized post.  I just wanted to keep a record of what I ate, and what I thought and felt.  Ultimately, my prayer is that this journal will be helpful to myself and others.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Thirsty Thursday

 I felt yucky this stomach ached and I was super thirsty from the added salt intake.  Bleck.  I'm back on track, though.  Back to normal.  I don't really have a desire to eat junk today, which is a pleasant surprise.  My guard is up, though, because I know that the cravings that follow the intake of sugar, fat and/or salt can sometimes last several days or longer.

Thanks so very much for the encouraging comments for yesterday's posts.  I can't explain how much it means to me.  :)

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

it takes more than six days.....

......for a habit to stick, right?  I'm still struggling.  Looking back on my posts from December 1 to now, I've overeaten/binged six days out of this month.  That is six days too many.  I can't seem to get back on track.  I don't want this to become a habit.  I still can't understand why I behave this way, when afterwards I regret it so much.  Yes, there's the emotional factor.  There's also the addictive component of sugar and fat. Why can't I be a normal eater?  I've asked myself that question so many times over the years.

Today I ate six, yes six, Reese trees.  Then about a half of a package of Oreos, then some chips and dip.  It scares me that I seem to already be able to eat more junk than I could six binges ago.  Why is it that negative habits seem easier to form than positive ones?  Why can I so easily rationalize eating junk?

I need to get out of this pity part now, and move on to healthier thoughts, a healthier attitude, and healthier actions.

Monday, December 26, 2011

back to normal

Christmas was wonderful!!  I had some precious time with my family.  It was busy, but not as stressful as some years have been in the past.  I was blessed to be able to spend time in church with my husband and both of my kids.  My son hasn't gone to church with us in several years, so this was very special.

As for food......I ate far too much and didn't make the wisest choices.  I ate some sugary treats, and some that were far too calorie laden and full of fat.  I know that it will be hard to get back on track.  But I am doing so.  Back to normal.  However, this normal is a new normal that I intend to make permanent.  Normal is a healthy diet full of fruits, veggies and lacking in sugar and high fat, processed foods.  Normal includes exercise.  Normal includes not fixating on the foods that perhaps I should not have eaten over the past several days, and allowing the guilt to begin the cycle that ends in eating more junk food.

On another note - I learned that fat free greek yogurt really can be used as a substitute for sour cream!  I mixed 2 cups of fat free greek yogurt with 2 cups of salsa and a couple of teaspoons of taco seasoning to make a dip and it was delish!!!  Even my family members who don't like healthy foods loved it.  It can be served with veggies, whole grain tortilla chips, wheat thins....whatever you'd like.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!!!!

Friday, December 23, 2011

motivation vs. commitment

I've been thinking about motivation lately.  I read a great blog post this morning ( about different types of motivation.  This reminded me of a post that I read a while back about the difference between motivation and commitment  (

Motivation tends to ebb and flow.  Some days, I'm extremely motivated to make healthy choices.  Other days....not so much.  Weight loss/maintenance statistics seem to prove that most people have trouble with consistent motivation.

Commitment is a bit different.  You can be committed to something, and stick with it despite lack of motivation.  For example, my nightly routine involves taking vitamins, washing my face, brushing my teeth, then going to bed.  Many nights I am tired and would rather go straight to bed.  Sometimes the thought of going to bed with a dirty face and dirty teeth are enough to cause me to stick to my routine.  Other nights, I'm tired and would much rather skip it.  However, 99% of the time I will follow my routine because I am committed to it.

Are you committed or simply temporarily motivated to reach your goals?

Thursday, December 22, 2011

sane eating, day 2

Things went really well today, too!  The day started with several Christmas gifts that included chocolate.  I put them out of sight, and brought them to my daughter.  Actually, just now I'm remembering Jane's post about being a "sugar pusher" (  Am I being a sugar pusher by bringing home these treats to my daughter?  She fortunately has normal eating patterns and doesn't have issues with food like I do.  She does love sweets, though.  However, I feel that she has a good grasp on moderation and "sometimes" foods vs. "always food" as I used to call them when the kids were little.  (Amazing how you can teach someone else good eating habits/behaviors but struggle so much yourself).  Anyway, I digress.

Next, there was the pizza party lunch.  My boss was organizing this, and he knows that I've been eating healthy.  He was so kind - he made a special trip to a different restaurant to buy me a grilled chicken salad!!!  It bothered me that he did this, because the other food was delivered.  (The restaurant that was chosen had no healthy options).  I don't like always being the one who needs something special.  No one else seems to care, but it bothers me.  I suppose he wouldn't offer it was an imposition, though.

I started doing a little bit of cooking tonight for the Christmas Eve party.  No taste testing for me, though!   One bit always leads to 2, then 3, then who knows what else will end up following.

How is everyone else handling the holiday season?

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

welcome back, sane eating

Today has been much better!!  The day started with a healthy breakfast.   I needed to go to the gas station before work, and I went to a small, local convenience store near home rather than one of the larger ones like Sheetz.  Therefore, I wasn't tempted to go inside to pay where I would be surrounded by junk food.

Next, one of the girls at work brought in chocolate for everyone except myself and one of the other girls.  She brought us a (semi) healthy trail mix instead because she knows that we are both eating healthy.  How thoughtful!!

Lunch was a holiday meal sponsored by the company I work for.  I chose turkey, steamed broccoli and corn.  I did not eat the mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, rolls or dessert.  The food wasn't that great, but I was able to eat with three of my friends and we had a great time!

After work, I went to the grocery store to buy some of the things I need for our Christmas Eve party.  I'm grateful that I wasn't even tempted to buy things that I shouldn't.  While shopping, I noticed a very large woman using one of the motorized carts to shop.  It made me so very sad.  I realize that I could easily be just like her.  Of course, I know nothing about her.  It's possible that she is also loosing weight and was once larger than she is currently.  I do not judge, I sympathize.

Dinner was healthy, and I'm planning to workout soon.  It's nice to get my groove back!
Yesterday was not the fresh start that I planned/needed/wanted.  It started out well; a healthy breakfast followed by a healthy lunch.  I had to stop by the drugstore for Tylenol on the way home from work.  3 Reese trees, a Hershey's Pot of Gold box,  Mrs. Fields cookies and some chocolate milk jumped into my basket!!!  How did they get there?  Ok, ok, I'm not insane.  They didn't jump in, I put them there.  In fact, I planned doing so on the way to the store.

I ate the Reese trees, about 10 pieces of candy, and probably 3 cookies.  I then threw the rest of the candy away and gave the rest of the cookies away.  I suppose I should at least be proud that I didn't save it for later.  Because, sure enough, even though immediately after I ate all of that junk I may have been disgusted at the thought of more chocolate,  hours later I wished I still had it.

The first two Reese trees were delish.  The third was still sort of good.  By the time I started on the candy, cookies, and chocolate milk, it didn't even taste that good.  Why did I continue?

I just can't eat as much chocolate/sugar as I could in the past.  And it doesn't taste as good.  Why can't I remember this BEFORE I start??  Even just a few short hours later, I'm ready to do it again.  What am I getting out of this that I have a compulsive desire to repeat behavior that doesn't really seem to be rewarding?

I did eat a healthy dinner, but I didn't exercise.  I didn't exercise the day before, either.  I'm committed to making this a healthy day.  Anyone out there joining me?

Monday, December 19, 2011

Letter to self

Dear Melanie,

When your co-worker gives you a delightful smelling, beautiful mini-loaf of pumpkin bread for Christmas, do not leave it in an area on your desk where you can see it and smell it all day.  This is asking for trouble.

When you are driving home, put said loaf in the back seat.  If you lack good judgement and put it in the front with you, do not eat it.  If you decide to try a piece, wait until you are at home.  At home, you know that you will not be as likely to polish off the entire loaf like you are certain to do in the car.  You know that eating in the car, 95% of the time, equates to binge eating.  Secretive eating is not a good choice for you.  There is at least a small chance that if you tried a piece at home, you would have given the rest of the bread (and I use this term loosely because this was definitely more of a pumpkin cake, not bread) to your daughter who can handle sweet things in moderation.

Once you managed to eat the whole thing, it is not necessarily a bad idea to eat a small healthy snack to balance the blood sugar spike and eventual crash.  However, do not confuse this with a need to fill a bottomless pit with ham, cheese, a salad full of cheese and croutons, and whatever else you can secretly eat while your family isn't watching.

Did you realize that you could have spent some wonderfully intimate time with your husband today, but you didn't because you were disgusted with yourself so you couldn't stand the thought of him touching you?  Do you realize that you are worthy of love and affection?  Do you know that the fact that you are worthy of love doesn't change because you sometimes make  poor choices?

When you later had to spend about an hour driving by yourself, you did not need to continue the poor habits.  There are other, far better ways to enjoy some quiet time.  You can pray.  You can enjoy Christmas music and Christmas lights.  You can count your blessings (literally).  When you stopped at WalMart, God gave you an out.  It was absolutely unbelievable that you couldn't find the Reese trees or the Hershey's Pot of Gold that you were looking for.  You didn't need to buy the Reese big cups, Caramello bar, and bag of chex mix muddy buddies to replace your desired binge foods.

Congratulations for making the choice to throw away the second half of the Caramello bar and over 3/4 of the bag of muddy buddies!!!!  And all because they were sickeningly sweet??!!!  What progress.  Remember this the next time you are tempted!!!!!!!!!

Remember: man (nor) woman can not live by bread alone.  An order of Italian cheese bread is in no way, shape or form a good dinner choice.  Especially after you have eaten all of the above fast absorbing carbs.  This will insure a sick feeling.

When all of this was over, remember the guilt, shame, embarrassment and sickness.  What part of this was good?  Maybe the first bite or two? Was it worth it?

Tomorrow is another day.  You can overcome.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

7 more pounds gone!!

I've lost 7 pounds since I late weighed in!  That is 129 pounds gone forever!!!  Wow.  That is more than what some women weigh!

When I really think about how much food and how many calories that I was probably taking in on a regular basis in order to maintain such an unhealthy weight, it's very sobering.

I haven't really set a goal weight yet.  I still have quite a bit I need to lose, so looking too far ahead can make this seem unmanageable.  One day at a time, one healthy bite at a time.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

where is the switch?

Despite my good intentions of starting over today, it only took a few hours of a stressful workday, hearing someone talk about homemade cranberry muffins, seeing some mini Reese trees on someone's desk (I didn't know they were even made in a mini version!!???!!!)  then smelling a co-worker's calzone as she ate at her desk for me to quickly begin planning what food I would buy after work today.

After all, I had to go to the grocery store to buy some chicken anyway, why not get some chocolate?  Perhaps some pizza after that.  Then, I went to lunch and several people at work were eating some delicious looking pizza.

As I began eating my grilled chicken and fruit, I was overwhelmed with frustration.  Honestly, I just wanted to cry.  I'm so tired of fighting this battle.  Then I decided to get out of the self pity pit I was sinking into.  I texted my son and shared with him the difficulty I was having.  Then a good friend came and sat with me and we were able to eat lunch together.  She has such a positive outlook on life, and spending just that little bit of time with her boosted my spirits more than I can explain.  I didn't tell her that I was having a rough day, but she still made a difference.

From then on, the desire to eat very quickly subsided.  It was almost as if someone had flipped some sort of switch and things were drastically better.  Why is that?  Wouldn't it be nice if we did have some type of switch that we could turn off and on?  If we had that switch would we use it?  After all, I had options that I almost didn't use.  I almost didn't text my son.  Subconsciously, I know that texting him almost takes the choice away from me.  And, as much as I hate it, a part of me sometimes wants to binge despite all of the negative consequences. Once I'm accountable to someone, I'm highly unlikely to go through with a binge.

On the way home, I saw an absolutely beautiful rainbow.  Despite the fact that it was still cloudy, the colors were so defined.  Thank you, God, for sending me help in the form of my son, my friend, and the rainbow.

thought process of a disordered eater

There was a possibility that I would have to spend about 7 hours driving on December 26; half of that by myself.  I must admit, when I first found out about this I began planning a binge.  It went something like this.  "If I can avoid sugar and binges through Christmas, then that day I will indulge.  I can stop by Walmart or Target and get Reese trees.  After all, they will be on sale!!! And maybe some of that caramel Hershey's Pot of Gold candy.  After that, maybe I'll get some pizza".

I found out last night that I probably won't have to make that trip, but I may have to spend about an hour driving this Sunday afternoon.  Again, I immediately thought about eating.  As my thoughts turned to food, I realized I was a tiny bit hungry.  Not much, mind you, just a little bit.  I'd eaten a healthy, filling dinner.  I'd exercised.  (There are a few pretty good workout options on Netflix instant, by the way)  Nevertheless, I convinced myself that I was hungry.

As I began to think about food, I wondered how my weight was.  I planned to weigh myself on Saturday.  I weighed myself last night, and I had lost weight since the last time I weighed in.  Somehow, I turned this into justification for overeating.

I started with a ham sandwich on whole wheat with lite mayo and cheese.  This wasn't a horrible choice. I should have stopped there.  This lead to cheese and crackers. Which lead to graham crackers. Then chex mix with peanuts. Then bread with butter and jelly.

I'm feeling the effects of all of the salt this morning.  I'm so thirsty.  My hands are a bit swollen.  Yuck.

Somewhere during the binge planning when I originally thought I'd be driving by myself for 3 1/2 hours, I began thinking about my future.  There will be a time, probably 4-8 years from now, that I won't have kids living at home.  What if my husband still has a job like he does now where he travels a lot?  With that much time alone, how will I maintain weight loss?  Should I even bother with this?  Yes, I should.  While the reality of this is that I will likely always struggle with food, I don't have to resign myself to eventual failure.

I'm eating a healthy breakfast this morning and moving on.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

keeping focus when overwhelmed

It's so easy to be overwhelmed this time of year.  There is so much to do!  Christmas shopping, Christmas cards, my daughter's birthday and my husband's birthday are both in December, I'm hosting a large gathering on Christmas Eve, taxes are due, bills are piling up, my son is struggling with some college decisions, spring tuition is due in December, my workload at my job is increasing this month......the list is endless.

How do we stay focused on continuing to eat healthy and exercising when there are so many thing vying for our attention?  I think it's even more important at times like this to eat healthy and exercise to maintain sanity!!  Even though we know this, it's so easy to let all of our other responsibilities get in the way.  Before we know it, exercise is non-existant and we're reaching for fast food because we're too busy to prepare something ourselves.

I'm committed to making healthy choices this month.  What choices am I making to help keep this commitment?

*I normally make an insane amount of sweet desserts during the holidays.  This year, I'll make 2 at most.  These will be desserts that I don't really like, so they won't tempt me.
*I'm planning all of the things that I possibly can in advance, so that I make room for exercise.  I'm a routine oriented person, so I will use that to my advantage.
*I've been open with some family members about my choice to avoid cooking sweet things this year.  This is hard for me; I don't like sharing.  I'm doing so anyway for my sanity.

What conscious choices are you making to come out of this holiday season weighing less or the same as you did going in, rather than being at least several pounds heavier?

Saturday, December 10, 2011

birthday parties

 My sweet little girl turned 14 on December 5.  We had a "family" party for her on the 4th, and she's having her "friend" party this evening.  She didn't want the traditional birthday fare at either party, so no cake to deal with.  When we were celebrating with family, she wanted marinated ham sandwiches, cracker candy, 7 layer bars, little smokies in sauce, and fruit salad.  How's that for an interesting combination of birthday snacks?  But that's fine - it's her birthday so I always fix what she wants.  I added pretzels to her menu so that anyone that wanted to eat healthy could snack on pretzels and fruit salad.

I didn't eat anything at her party, or before the party when I was fixing everything.  Oddly enough, I was ok with that.  I did miss eating these treats, but overall I didn't have a problem.  I could have eaten fruit salad and/or pretzels, but I wasn't hungry so I didn't bother.  Instead, I enjoyed spending time with family.

On her actual birthday, she wanted to have dinner at Panera.  Easy enough to eat healthy there.

At tonight's party, we're having pizza, chips, and s'mores.  (We're planning to have a bonfire.)  I'm not a fan of marshmallows, so the s'mores shouldn't be a temptation.  I tried to buy the exact amount of Hershey bars that we'll need so there wouldn't be leftovers.  The pizza may bother me a bit.  I will likely grab something at Subway so I will still get to eat something that I don't eat often and I didn't have to cook myself, but it's healthy.  Sometimes I have to play mental games with myself!  :)

Thankfully, I've been on plan this week.  It's been a tough week, though.  As can be par for the course during the holiday season....stress abounds.  That's ok, though, I can handle it.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

shift in thought process

I'm allergic to beef.  I's a weird allergy.  I've never been a big fan of meat anyway, so about 2 years ago when this allergy was diagnosed I wasn't too upset.  However, occasionally a big juicy steak sounds appealing.  Not to mention that sometimes a completely unhealthy double cheeseburger or Big Mac from McDonald's is so very tempting.

Since I'm allergic to beef, I wouldn't even begin to contemplate eating it.  No matter how good it looks or smells.....I wouldn't dream of taking a chance at a potentially life threatening reaction.  I was thinking about this.  Could I possibly think of sugar in this way so that I would avoid it?  Of course not.  Sugar isn't life threatening.....or is it?  What happens to my body immediately after eating refined sugar?  Sure, some of the effects may be pleasant.  It does give me that temporary high.  Then there's the crash.  None of these immediate effects are as bad as a potential anaphylactic allergic reaction.

What about the long term effects of eating a lot of sugar? The list is endless.  Perhaps I could shift my way of thinking and avoid sugar just like I avoid beef.  Something to think about.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Benefits of healthy living

There is some irony to the fact that I spent today in binge hell.....I went to the doctor for my yearly physical and my blood work was phenomenal!!

As I've mentioned before, despite the fact that I've been severely overweight I haven't really developed any of the normal related health problems.  However, my blood work still showed some noticeable improvements.

For the first time last November, my triglycerides were up.  Normal is no higher than 150, mine was 159.  This year I'm at 79!  What an improvement!  My "bad" cholesterol was still within normal range at 112 last year, this year I'm at 88.  Glucose last year was at the high end of normal (100), this year that was 88.  My blood pressure is typically 120/80.  This year it was 108/80.   I won't bore you with the rest of the numbers, but everything had changed for the better.

This reinforces the benefits of staying on a healthy path for the rest of my life.  I need to continue fighting the urge to binge.  Based on these numbers, I plan to continue following a predominately vegan diet.

Out of the sugary carb filled pit of hell and back on plan!!

sugar pit

Last night's eating led me into the sugar pit of hell.  Actually, I shouldn't say that the eating led me there.  I allowed myself to go there.  Today was definitely a horrible blast from the past.  I planned the eating.  I did nothing to try to stop it.  I hate admitting what I ate; even if this blog is somewhat anonymous (I've told no one that I know about this blog) it's very embarrassing.

I feel that it is important to keep a record of what I've done so that I can learn from it. we go.  (If you are prone to binges after reading about food  RED ALERT.  I started my day with my normal oatmeal with almonds and raisins.  I didn't have to work today, so I did a few things around the house then headed out to do some errands.  First, I ate a piece of chocolate fudge then 3 Reese peanut butter trees.  They were delicious, but after the first one I ate the others simply because they were there.  An hours or so later, I ate almost a whole serving of Italian cheese bread from Little Caeser's.  It was so very good, but again I should have/could have stopped after the first several pieces but I didn't.  I succumbed to the "all or nothing" thinking that I've found is extremely common among those with disordered eating patterns.

About an hour after that, I ate about 4 M & M ice cream sandwiches.  By this point, I was really starting to feel sick.  I know that this probably will sound crazy, but sometimes I really understand how people can become bulimic.  Please don't misunderstand.....I'm not in any way advocating this; I simply mean that I can relate to the thought process.  Fortunately, I have a severe aversion to vomiting so I've never tried to throw up after a binge.  This is definitely a blessing.  Otherwise, there is a good chance I would have went down that path at some point.

I finally sent a text to my son admitting my struggles so I'd have some accountability.  I'm not waiting until tomorrow to start over.  I'm starting over now.

Monday, November 28, 2011

eating for the wrong reasons

Once again I ate some things tonight that I shouldn't have.  It wasn't a full blown binge, but I wasn't hungry and I should have left food alone.  I guess it began earlier today when I began craving Reese cups.  I can't remember what prompted the cravings.....I think it was something simple like an ad in a sale circular.  I had forgotten about the Reese cups and moved on.  I ate my on plan dinner and exercised as usual.  As I was settling down for the evening, the urge to eat came back.  It had nothing to do with hunger, so what was it related to?  Perhaps loneliness?

There was a little bit of peanut butter left in a jar that I bought for my daughter.  Notice a trend here?  Apparently I'll need to ban peanut butter from the house; at least for a while.  I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat.  Lots of peanut butter on the bread, and a few extra spoonfuls of peanut butter.  Then I ate some peanuts and chex mix.  Not too much; maybe a 1/2 cup full.  Then I ate a "salad".  The quotes are due to the fact that I'm using the word very loosely.  A little bit of lettuce, a ton of cheese quite a few croutons, and a large amount of dressing.  (It was fat free though.)

I don't like this trend.  The last time I did this was on the 23rd.  Only 5 days ago.  I shouldn't have eaten this stuff.  There was no real reason to do so.  Why did I?  There were so many things I could have done.  My son is home....I could have told him that I was struggling.  I could have prayed.  I could have read some of my past posts to remind myself of how I feel after I eat junk for something other than hunger.

Sometimes I get so frustrated and angry with this.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

effects of white bread

I'm having a little bit of trouble today with cravings.  I've been craving rolls.  It doesn't take a phd to realize that these cravings are directly related to the rolls, etc. that I ate on Thanksgiving day.  The question is - was it worth it?

I haven't decided the answer to that $1 million question yet.  Yes, I'm dealing with cravings today, however they are not overwhelming and completely consuming my thoughts like the cravings I have after eating sugar.

I don't want to overanalyze this, but I do want to be very observant and learn things about how my body and how it reacts to certain foods.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Thanksgiving results

Thanksgiving was really nice!!  I enjoyed spending time with my family.  For lunch I ate small amounts of all of my favorites.  I made sure to include turkey so I would have filling protein in my meal to help balance the carbs.  I didn't eat dessert.  I was very tempted by a lowfat cheesecake, but I knew even a small piece would be a bad idea.

For dinner, I again ate small portions of my favorites and included some turkey.  I did go back for a second roll and second medium/large serving of stuffing.  It was soooooo delicious.  I didn't eat dessert, I didn't overeat.  Dessert was even more tempting here.....but I didn't eat any.

It was so pleasant to focus on conversation with family and friends rather than completely focusing on the food.   It was also wonderful to feel good after each meal.  I didn't have that overstuffed/my pants are too tight/ I want a nap/ I ate so much I'm going to die  feeling.  

I'm calling this a successful holiday.  Hope you enjoyed yours, too!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


I have so many things to be thankful for.  Here are just a few.

God - without him I can do nothing.

My family - my husband and kids are so precious to me.  As are my parents, my grandparents, my sister and my nieces.

Freedom - it's so easy to take this for granted.

There are many other things that I'm thankful for, but these are the most important.  The best things in life aren't really things.

Thanksgiving plan

Tomorrow we will have lunch at my sister's house and dinner at my father-in-law's house.  After pondering this for a week or so, I have decided on my eating plan.  I will not eat sugary desserts and treats.  It's just not worth it. If I could handle moderation, that would be fine.  But I know that I can't.  Sure, I may only eat one serving in front of everyone else, but that sugar will prompt me to crave more for days to come.  Fortunately, I don't like pumpkin pie, pecan pie or sweet potato pie so most of the traditional desserts won't be tempting to me.

I have decided to indulge in a few things that I don't currently eat on a regular basis.  I'm confidant that I will be able to have small servings of mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese and stuffing, enjoy them, and move on.   Sweet potatoes may not be on my plate, though.  It will depend on how they are prepared.  My step-mother-in-law is a weight watchers leader, so I think she'll probably have some sweet potatoes that are not loaded with marshmallows.  I haven't decided how to handle bread yet.  Since I've been eating healthy, on several occasions I've eaten one roll and I've been ok with that.  However, rolls can be part of the slippery slope to overeating so I may need to avoid them.

I will make sure to eat turkey at both meals.  I don't really like turkey very much, so most Thanksgiving I don't eat any.  I'd much rather fill up on all of the refined carbs.  This Thanksgiving will be different.  I know that the turkey is healthy and filling so it will be part of my meals.  

So this is my plan.  What is your plan?

overeating or bingeing?

I got hungry last night around 9pm.  This is unusual; I eat a dinner full of filling fiber and protein every evening to avoid the evening munchies.  For whatever reason, last night I got hungry.  I've learned over the years that 3 meals a day works well for me.  I know that many nutritionists recommend 4-6 smaller meals a day for a variety of reasons, but snacking just doesn't work for me.  I eat that small portion, and then think "where's the rest".

Anyway, feeling hungry at 9pm is not the end of the world.  I go to bed around 10pm, and I wasn't overly hungry so eating nothing was certainly an option.  Another good choice would have been a small but filling snack such as almonds.  I didn't do that.  Over a period of probably 20 minutes, I had 4 slices of cheddar cheese, 1 weight watchers wedge of low fat swiss, and a couple of handfuls of peanuts, almonds and chex mix.

My first reaction was to not mention this on the blog, and to move on.  It wasn't really a binge, was it?  At least not in the traditional sense, if there is such a thing.  However, does a "normal" (I use that term loosely) person that doesn't have disordered eating patterns do things like that?  I don't know.  Does it really matter what "normal" people do in comparison to how I eat?

Ultimately, what I did wasn't a smart choice for me and I want to make sure I document it.  I should have either went to bed, or ate a small snack.

I'm moving on, though.  I'll post more about Thanksgiving plans later.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

miracle of consistent size

As an adult, I don't think I've stayed the same size for more than a year or two at a time.  My weight has gone up and down (more often up) so frequently, that I never know from one season to the next what items in my closet will fit.  Since my weight has fluctuated so fast and by large amounts,  I haven't typically purchased clothing with the thought that it would be a staple in my wardrobe or something that I could wear for many years to come.  I haven't bothered with many of the "must have" pieces because I never could justify the expense of an investment item such as a basic navy blazer or a really nice cashmere sweater.  Yes, I've had some classic pieces such as black slacks, a white button down, etc. that can be purchased at reasonable prices and I would just purchase a different size as needed.

I look forward to wearing the same size from one season to the next.   It may seem like a silly thing, but I'm sure others of you understand this.  It will be fun to build a wardrobe with a sense of permanence rather than basing my purchase on what will work for this season only.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Candy Land

Yes, folks, it's true.  Candy Land is more than just a children's board game.  It is in every retail store!

I stopped by the drugstore today to get some makeup for my daughter's stocking.  (For you bargain shoppers out there....I got a great deal!  1 Cover girl 4 color eye shadow and 1 Cover girl 3 color eye shadow for a combined total of $2.78!!!!!)  I was shocked to see a large shelf in the makeup aisle full of candy!!!!!!!!  What. In. The. World.  I can only think that they ran out of space in the aisle where the rest of the Christmas candy was, so they put it there.  Of course, after my initial shock my eyes were immediately drawn to the 1 pound pack of Reese Cups.  Have you seen this monstrosity?  I have no doubt that there was a time that I could have eaten the entire pound in one sitting.  In fact, I probably could still do that.  But I won't.

As I wandered down the rest of the make up aisle, guess what?  More candy.  For some reason, there was a shopping cart full of reduced Halloween candy sitting in the middle of the aisle.  Is someone conspiring against me?  It's crazy to think that an innocent shopping trip for eye shadow results in face to  face temptation.

The Reese cups, and all of the rest of the candy, remained at the drugstore.  Someone else can buy that junk.  I will stick with make up!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

11 pounds lost!!!!

I've lost 11 pounds over the past month, which makes a total loss of 122 pounds!!

It was encouraging to talk to a friend and fellow sugar addict this morning.  He lost 40-50 pounds several years ago by admitting to himself that he needed to avoid sugar altogether.  He has kept off the weight!  That doesn't mean that he doesn't struggle occasionally, and he does give in to the urge to eat sugar sometimes. However, I admire him because he has kept the weight off and is far healthier than he was when he began his journey.

We can learn so much from someone who has been in our situation.  I hope that one day I will be able to help others who struggle with eatings disorders and food issues.

Monday, November 7, 2011

childhood obesity

In the past several years, the media has been full of reports of the rise of childhood obesity and related illnesses.  Diseases that were formerly only found in adults, such as Type 2 Diabetes, are now being found in children.  I thought of this after I had an interesting conversation with two ladies at work a few days ago.

We were discussing sugar and the cravings that many people have for it.  One of the ladies mentioned that her daughter did not allow her grandchild to have refined sugar for a "very, very long time".  I was expecting her to say that the child was 5, 6....maybe even 8 or 10 years old before eating sugar.  Nope.  Her grandchild was the ripe old age of 2 before she was allowed to have sugar.  Why does a 2 year old need sugar???!!!!  The other lady said that she knew some people who severely restricted their children's sugar intake, and she went on to say that she thought this was "cruel and unusual punishment".

Why are healthy foods the exception rather than the norm?  Why is it not  unusual to see a child with their baby bottle full of soda?  Why do we derive such pleasure from giving children ice cream, potato chips, french fries, etc. as soon as their able to eat solids?

Of course, I live in the south and in an area where obesity is unfortunately very prevalent.  Are other areas different....perhaps.

It's very sad to think that every generation seems to be less active and less healthy than the previous one. I can't change the world, but I can make an impact on my health and that of my family's.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Breaking news!!!!!!

Exercise reduces stress!!!  Are you shocked?  Of course not!  Everyone knows that.  Everyone except me, apparently.  I've never really understood that until recently.  I particularly noticed it today.

After I came home from work, I found out that my son's spring college tuition is due on December 8.  This was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.  It shouldn't have been a surprise, but for some reason I thought it wouldn't be due until January.  Tuition, Christmas, normal bills, taxes, my daughter's birthday......the bills for December are neverending

My stress level really increased, so I decided to go for a vigorous walk.  I did 4 laps on the route that I sometimes take that has a few hills instead of my normal 3 laps.  When I was done, I felt much better.
Amazing, isn't it?  I've never really enjoyed exercise.  Never really made it a permanent part of my routine. Now I see that exercise can be a wonderful stress reliever - much better than unhealthy habits like eating.  There are no bad side effects to using this to ease anxiety!!

During my walk, a car stopped beside me and a lady that I've never met complimented me on how good I look!  Apparently she often sees me walk and has noticed my weight loss progress.  It was so nice of her to take the time to mention this to me!  This was such an encouragement - it helped me make that extra lap rather than stopping at my normal 3.

A few hours later there was a few other things that happened that increased my anxiety, but I'm coping.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Back on plan

Today was a much better day.  As expected after eating sugar, I did have some cravings.  They haven't been too bad, though.  As I had the cravings, I again marveled at how quickly and easily I can forget how bad I feel after I've binged or overeaten.  For some reason, the same foods that sounded disgusting last night once again had a magical appeal.  I guess there are some things I may never understand.  Regardless of whether I understand it or not, I can win this battle.

Monday, October 31, 2011

bad food day

My husband was out of town, my son was at a movie, and my daughter was upstairs getting ready for bed.  Where was I?  Eating.  I didn't eat any Halloween candy, which is a major accomplishment.  But I was craving peanut butter.  Maybe this craving began with thinking about all of the candy that's around me at work and all of the candy that my daughter got while trick or treating?

We actually had some peanut butter in the house, which is unusual.  I didn't even try to fight the cravings.  I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a few spoonfuls of peanut butter, some chex mix, and some toast with butter and jelly.  Not a full blown binge, but junk that I didn't need.

Now my stomach is full of fat, and it doesn't like it.  I don't like how I feel.  Why do I do this???!!!!!  The few moments of pleasure aren't worth it.

I keep telling myself that my "issues" with food aren't related to emotion.  It's all related to a sugar addiction and a general love of food.  Is this true?  Or are the experts right; am I using food to cope with negative emotions?   Is it not merely a coincidence that this occurred while my husband is out of town?   But if loneliness is connected to my overeating, why haven't I done it frequently during the past four weeks or so while my husband has been frequently out of town?

My goal is to have healthy eating habits and a healthy relationship with food.  I will focus on the success that I've had during the past 10 months, not the relatively few setbacks.  I'm determined that this will be the last time that I lose weight.  I will lose it, and keep it off.  I will learn from tonight, and move on.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


How do you handle buying candy for trick-or-treaters when you're a sugar addict who is trying to avoid sugar?

We typically don't have very many trick-or-treaters, so fortunately I don't have to buy huge amounts of goodies.  I chose to buy candy that I don't particularly care for.  Sour gummies, starburst and a few other things.  I didn't even consider buying anything chocolate.  It would be stupid to tempt myself.

If there are leftovers, I'll probably take them to work and give them away.  Even if I let my daughter keeps them, I don't anticipate having difficulty.  As for the candy that my daughter gets, she is old enough to allow her to keep it in her room so I can't steal it!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

and the season of gluttony begins

In the past, a friend at work has given me some Hershey kisses every time she noticed a new flavor being offered.  I can't remember how this tradition began; I believe it was when we were in the same department and discussed our love of chocolate.  She surprised me today with a lovely little Fall gift that included a bag of pumpkin spice kisses.  When one of my co-workers commented that I probably wouldn't eat them, she just said that she knew that I'd been losing weight so if I didn't want to eat them it wouldn't hurt her feelings.

I don't work as closely with this friend as I did in the past, and haven't shared with her that I'm avoiding processed sugar.  This wasn't an example of her trying to sabotage my efforts like some people do; she was simply being kind.  Fortunately, the pumpkin spice flavor didn't sound very appealing to me so it didn't bother me to give them all away.

Immediately after this, another friend brought in home made peanut butter cups.  Oh. My. God.  Now that bothered me.  I adore Reese cups, and homemade ones looked heavenly.  I didn't eat any, though.

And so it begins.  The  season of overindulgence.  Sadly, I'm almost dreading the next several months because of all of the focus that there will be on food.  Parties at work. Family gatherings.  Food everywhere.

I'm sure there are very few people who aren't concerned about weight gain during the holiday season.  First there is Halloween and all of the sugar that entails.  Then thanksgiving.  Then Christmas.  Don't forget New Year's!  Depending on what study you read, the average person gains somewhere between 1 and 10 pounds during the holiday season.  I'm fairly certain that my personal average is at least 10 pounds.

This year needs to be different.  There is no reason that I can't end the holiday season weighing less than I do now.  At the very least, I'd be happy to maintain.  A gain is not acceptable.  My concern is not simply managing to accomplish this, but managing to do so without being bitter, stressed, and feeling deprived.

The unhealthy and unproductive thought process of "everyone else is overeating/It's the holidays/It's only once a year/a few won't hurt/why can't I indulge like everyone else" needs to shift to "I can enjoy the company of my family and friends, the focus of this season shouldn't be on food, I will feel better if I eat healthy, this is not depriving myself of anything, but giving myself the gift of good health.

Any suggestions for enjoying the holiday season while maintaining healthy habits?

Saturday, October 22, 2011

hiking in the mountains

My husband, my daughter and I went for a hike today.  It was a total of about 2.4 miles.  Almost the entire first part of the hiking trail was downhill, and it led to a beautiful waterfall.  Of course, that meant that almost the entire return trip was uphill.  2.4 miles may not seem like much, and if it were mostly flat or moderate hills it wouldn't be very difficult for me, either.  Due to the second part of the hike being uphill, and some rough terrain, this hike was a bit tough.

When I began this journey in January, I was at a point physically that I would have been unable to complete a hike like I did today.  I had difficulty walking even short distances.  What a difference a healthy lifestyle can make!!!!   When we were done, I felt such a sense of accomplishment!!!  Even my daughter noticed that she was having more trouble on the return trip than I was - and she is young, thin, and healthy.

The feeling that I had after this hike was far better than any food can make me feel.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


"When concerned about change, consider the beauty of Autumn."

Most of us are resistant to change.  Some of us more than others.  I have a real problem dealing with new things.  It makes my anxiety level skyrocket.  Over the years, I've learned coping skills but it is still difficult.

The quote I saw today reminded me that change isn't always a negative thing.  Since I am so resistant to change, my "knee jerk" reaction is one of negativity and fear.

I suppose the reason the quote struck me as appropriate today is that my husband will start a new job on Monday.  However, this is a very different position than he has had in the past and it will (at first at least) involve quite a bit of travel.

This worries me a bit because I don't want to use this is an excuse to binge.  I need to look at the positive aspects of this rather than the negative.  There can be beauty in change; I just need to recognize it.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

10 more pounds gone, and the torture chamber (dressing room)

I've lost 10 more pounds, which makes a total of 111 pounds!  Why is it, then, did shopping for clothes today make me grumpy and sad?  I was looking for jeans.  Granted, I feel that jeans are difficult to shop for no matter what weight I'm at.  Even at a normal weight, I have curves.  And curves aren't always easy to fit.  If the hips and thigh area fits well, then the waist is too large.  Should I buy boot cut, straight fit, trouser jean?  Light wash, medium wash, or dark wash.  100% denim or denim with a slight stretch.  (Denim with more than about 2% stretch on curvy girls is a big no-no in my opinion.)  Adding to the frustration is the fact that I need petite length, which narrows the choices quite a bit.  Especially in plus sizes.  Then there is the price tag.  Since I still have a lot of weight to loose, price is definitely a huge factor.

While loosing weight, I'm keeping my closet kind of empty.  Especially pants.  While a top that is a bit big may not look too bad, I feel that a pair of ill fitting, saggy pants look terrible.  The two pair of jeans I currently have are much too saggy.  So, I assumed when I went shopping that I would need to go down two sizes.  The jeans that I looked at were offered in three fits based on body type.  One fit is for straighter figures, one for slightly curvy, and one for very curvy.   The first two pair I took to the dressing room were for straight figures.  Silly me - what in the world was I thinking?  A size smaller in this style than my saggy, baggy pair at home wouldn't even go over my hips.  Depressing.  The second group of contenders included a moderately curvy style and a very curvy style.  The very curvy style is probably what suits me best, but they didn't have them in a size smaller than what I currently have.  They were available in two sizes smaller, but they were quite a bit too tight.  Considering how baggy my current jeans are, that was depressing.  I finally purchased a pair of the moderately curvy style in a size smaller than my current jeans.  They fit, but I don't really love how they look on me.

I need to be more positive when I'm in the dressing room.  Ultimately, a size is just a number.  Just. A. Number.  Even normal weight people have a variety of sizes in their closet; different manufacturers size their clothing differently.  There are 111 less pounds for me to have to clothe now!!!!!!!  While I may not be content to stay at my current weight and clothing size, it's far better than it was when I began this journey.  

One day, I will look good in jeans.  For now, I'm happy to buy jeans in a smaller size.  I'm happy to buy jeans at all - when I was 111 pounds heavier I didn't buy jeans because I hated how I looked in them.  I purchased mostly black, grey or brown pants.  Victory in a different form is still victory!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

weight loss milestone

For a number of years, I haven't been able to remove my wedding band because it was too tight.  It was literally stuck.  I haven't been able to wear my engagement ring because it was too tight.  Yes, I could have had my wedding band removed and my engagement ring stretched.  I didn't, though.

Having my wedding band removed would have involved having it cut off.  This would have been humiliating and heartbreaking. Having my engagement ring re-sized wouldn't have been quite as embarrassing, but somehow I felt that doing so would be like admitting to myself that I would never be a normal weight.

Even as I continued to binge eat and gain weight, and made no effort whatsoever to change my unhealthy habits, I didn't want to admit complete failure.  I still had some small amount of hope that the rings would fit again.  Not to mention that, as my weight has gone up and down over the years I've had my rings re-sized more times than I care to admit.

I can finally get my wedding band off and wear my diamond engagement ring!!!!!!  What a great feeling!!

Friday, October 7, 2011


There is such a dramatic contrast between being somewhat at peace with food and being tortured by cravings.  When I'm at peace with food, I'm typically not as stressed, I'm happier, I'm not consumed with thoughts about food, I can concentrate on life rather than being completely occupied by thoughts of sugary, fat filled junk.

Since this is obviously preferable to the alternative, why do I make choices that will lead me to the hellish path of obsession?  Why do I allow that first bite of refined sugar or high fat empty calories into my body?

It took a few days, but I'm back to a pretty good place.  The place where I'm very content with my healthy eating, I don't think about food all day, and I'm exercising.  Yes, I still think about trigger foods occasionally.  I might even long for some of those foods if I see them.  However, they don't occupy my thoughts and become an obsession.

Note to self:  staying on a healthy path is rewarding.  Food is not a reward.

Monday, October 3, 2011

empowering action

Remember my humiliating confession about the temptation to remove the "binge"food I'd thrown away from the trash bag and eat it if it hadn't touched anything else or spoiled?  Well, the thought crossed my mind again today.  So, I removed the food from the trash bag.  Since the weather has been chilly, the brownies hadn't melted.  The cheese and the biscuits were disgusting.  The french onion dip was actually still cold and the corn chips looked ok.

Do you know what I did?  I made certain that I absolutely would not and could not eat that junk!!!!!  I stuck the brownies in the dip, then covered it in dish liquid.  I put dish liquid and water in the corn chip bag.  I know this probably sounds crazy, but it was very empowering and......most worked!!!!  Gone were my cravings, and gone was the temptation to binge.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Note to self: overcoming the urge to binge is wonderful!

When the urge to binge strikes, but I don't succumb I feel wonderful!!  There is tremendous relief because there is no need for guilt or shame.  There is happiness at the peace I feel as opposed to the negative emotions that follow a binge.

Remember this!!!

Saturday, October 1, 2011


I feel as if a part of me is broken or defective.  The part of the brain that should prohibit compulsive behavior.  Barely 24 hours after I've (once again) found that binges aren't very pleasurable, I wanted to do it again.

 I want to have peace with food.  How badly do I want that, though?  Is that desire stronger than the desire to eat sugary, fatty foods?  Can that desire and my commitment to good health outweigh (no pun intended) my compulsive tendencies?

The day started out fairly well.  I was determined to get back on plan.  I ate oatmeal for breakfast, then went grocery shopping.  That went surprisingly well.  The desires didn't hit until after I took my daughter to meet some friends.  I was driving home when I was overwhelmed with cravings.  I would have the house to myself for about 3 hours.  (My husband is out of town and my son is at work)  The old familiar debate began in my mind. Remember the old cartoons where the angel is on one shoulder and the devil is on the other?  The devil is telling me to stop by the grocery store and buy ice cream and cake.  The angel is reminding me of what those types of foods do to me physically, emotionally and psychologically.  The battle between my desire to be healthy and the urge to binge is horrible.  I was literally in tears.  Unless you understand eating disorders and food addiction, this probably makes no sense to you.

This is so very humiliating and degrading to admit, but in order to be honest and accountable I will share something.  I even considered taking the food I'd thrown away yesterday out of the trash.  Only a true addict would consider such a disgusting action.  I began rationalizing this in my head.  "There was very little else in that trash bag - the food wasn't touching anything else."  "It was cold last night, it didn't spoil".  How disgusting, abnormal and twisted is it to consider something like that?!

After struggling for a bit, I sent a text to my son.  I knew that once I did that, I wouldn't stop at the grocery store.  I needed that accountability.  As soon as I got home, I went for a 45 minute walk.  That helped tremendously.

What can I learn from this?  This "episode" involved several things.  My sugar intake yesterday triggered cravings, then being alone set the stage for a problem.  So, step one is don't eat refined sugar and/or high fat foods.  Step two - if I mess up and eat these things, be proactive and plan deterrents for the days to follow.  Exercise earlier in the day.  Don't spend time alone.

Victory is mine!

Friday, September 30, 2011

Note to self: binges aren't enjoyable anymore

True confession time again.  I've been planning a binge all week.  I knew that I would be home by myself for a while today.  I've been craving specific foods, and I couldn't stop obsessing about them.  I was excited that I would have several hours to spend with my husband this morning after he'd been out of town all week.  However, I was just as excited about the binge that I planned. That makes me very sad.

As soon as my husband left the house to go back out of town,  I headed for the grocery store.  My daughter is at school and my son is at work. I purchased some biscuits, extra sharp cheddar cheese, french onion dip, corn chips, Little Debbie brownies, and a pack of two large Reese cups.  I ate three of the brownies on the way home.  I cooked the biscuits as soon as I got home, then ate 5 of them with cheddar on them.  A bit later, I ate the Reese cups, and a while after that I ate about 1/4 of the container of dip with the chips.  All while reading a good book.  Disgusting, isn't it?

I've mentioned before that, in the past, eating yummy comfort foods while reading a book was one of my ultimate, favorite things to do.  This event was pre-meditated.  I didn't really struggle, because I didn't try to talk myself out of it.  I rationalized that one binge wasn't going to be the end of the world.

As with the occasional binges over the past months while I've been on my journey to become a healthier person, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.  I feel sick.  I feel uncomfortable.  My stomach is making strange, loud noises.  Why can't I remember that this is never as good as I think it will be???!!!!

I've thrown away the leftovers.  I'm done.  Next time I begin planning a binge or struggling with the urge to binge, I need to read past posts about how yucky I feel and how eating large quantities of junk just doesn't do anything for me.  Sure, the first couple of bites of each food was pretty good.  After that, continuing is not about taste it's about compulsion.

How do I find balance?   I'm still struggling with that.  Since I can't seem to eat "just one" of most foods with sugar and/or a lot of fat, do I avoid them completely to maintain my sanity?  Or does avoiding these foods completely set myself up for failure?  I've been asking myself this question over and over.  I suspect that finding the answer will take time.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

cravings better, anxiety worse?

The cravings were quite a bit better, but my stress level is worse.  Kind of odd isn't it?  There are those that insist that eating issues, disorders, or whatever you want to call them are not about food.  They are about emotions.  I somewhat agree, but there are times like today that I question this.  If my stress level is up, wouldn't the logical conclusion be that the cravings would be worse?

Regardless, I'm thankful that the cravings are better.  The anxiety will lessen.  Nothing overly dramatic, just a few frustrating things going on that are basically beyond my control.  I need to learn to let go of the things that I can't change.

Monday, September 26, 2011

binge eating disorder sucks

It is so disconcerting to be handling food with relative ease, then BAM. The insidious thoughts and cravings have been meandering through my brain for the past few days.  Have there been triggers?  I don't know.  Does it even help to analyze?  I suppose I'm under a bit of stress.  My husband will be out of town frequently for the next month or so.  I cooked foods that are not on my current healthy eating plan for a party I hosted this weekend.  Perhaps all of these factors combined spell trouble.

There are so many variables that comprise an eating disorder.  The physical aspects of sugar addiction and the temporary high that it causes.  The emotional attachment to certain foods.  That is why eating disorders are so hard to overcome.

There are several specific foods that I've been craving, and I've even began planning how and when I would obtain them and eat them.  Part of an eating disorder involves secrecy.  I definitely can't binge in front of anyone.  Since the foods I'm currently craving involve a certain amount of cooking, I don't really have the opportunity to do this right now if I want to be alone.  Which, even in this funky messed up state of mind where I really want to give in, I suppose I somewhat appreciate.

I even considered leaving work early today, buying the food, then having several hours at home to myself to eat.  I didn't do it, though.  While I completely understand the destructiveness of even allowing my thoughts to be taken over by food and the possible event of a binge, there is a part of me that misses it.  I know that's not completely logical, but it's the truth.

This is so very frustrating, but I need to divert my thoughts.  I need to stop the proverbial "pity party" and move on.  I've eaten healthy and exercised despite being bombarded with these thoughts.  And that is victory.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Priority check

I saw a quote yesterday that I've seen before, but it really resonated with me this time.

"One should eat to live, not live to eat."

Food is necessary for fueling our bodies.  Do we treat that as the primary reason for eating, though? Why do we choose the foods we do?

Here are just a few that I thought of:
does the entire family like it?
ease of preparation
how does it make me feel?

For many years, I lived to eat.  If I'm really honest with myself, eating was one of the main sources of pleasure in my life.  I made it a huge priority.  The time I spent planning what I would eat, purchasing it, eating it, hiding how much I was eating.....looking back I realize how sad that is.

My priorities should be God, my family, my friends, my health, my job.  I'm not saying that food shouldn't be pleasurable, but I need to always remember to put it in the proper perspective.  It is fuel.  Whole grains, proteins, fruits, and vegetables provide my body what it needs to function properly.  A diet high in fat, sugar and salt does nothing.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Trip update

Our anniversary trip was wonderful!!!  It was such a great time for hubby and I to be alone. I'm thankful that we were able to do this.  We are blessed with great kids - they really took care of everything nicely while we were away.  I think it was a good experience, particularly for my son.  He's 19, and it was good for him to have complete responsibility for a short time.  Not to mention that it makes him appreciate all that we do for him!

I ate healthy, and exercised every day.  We were able to go hiking several times, which was fun but it really gave my legs a workout!!!!

The only thing that I splurged on was pizza.  I got a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut with onions, peppers and black olives.  It was so delicious!!!!!  I also got a small salad full of veggies so that I would have some fiber to fill me up.  I was concerned that all of the simple carbs and fat in the pizza would temporarily fill me up, then after I "crashed" I would be very hungry.  My plan worked!!  It was nice to enjoy something that I wouldn't eat on a regular basis, not feel guilty about it, then move on.  The rest of the trip I ate mostly chicken, veggies, and fruit.

The biggest thing that I'm grateful for is that I didn't feel deprived.  As with most vacation spots, the area that we visited had an overwhelmingly plentiful supply of restaurants, fudge shops, candy shops, ice cream stores......a sugar addicts dream (or nightmare depending on how you look at it!).  My outlook was better than it has been in the past.  I didn't look at it as "I can't have any of these wonderful treats.  How unfair is that?  Everyone else is!"  Instead, I looked at it as a personal choice that I made, because the few minutes of pleasure wasn't worth it.

I love making progress!!!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

101 pounds lost!!!!!

I've lost 8 pounds during the past month, which brings me to a grand total of 101 pounds lost!!!!  That definitely is encouragement for me to continue on this path.  It's also encouragement to eat healthy on our anniversary trip.  We're leaving tomorrow and coming back Wednesday evening.  I'm really looking forward to this time with my hubby.  :)

I've decided to stay away from sugar on our trip.  I considered allowing myself one dessert and savoring it. For many people, that's a great idea.  For a sugar addict, not necessarily a smart choice.  I will likely splurge on some other things that I haven't been eating, but I want to make reasonably smart decisions.  I also plan to exercise.

I'm considering a reward for my 100 pound loss.  Non food related of course!  Perhaps a charm for my Pandora bracelet.  Not sure.  I'll think more on that.  

Thursday, September 8, 2011


 I often wonder about the food choices that other people make.  Is that thin person eating a greasy cheeseburger and extra large milk shake naturally thin, or does she typically eat healthy and this happens to be a splurge?  Does that heavy person that appears to eat healthy much of the time a secret binge eater, or do they simply struggle with their weight even though they eat healthy much of the time?

I'm actually embarrassed to admit that I pay what it probably an abnormal amount of attention to others' eating habits.  Ultimately, it really doesn't matter.  So what if that thin person can eat anything they want, anytime they want and remain at a healthy weight?  That doesn't mean that their cholesterol, blood pressure and other things are normal.  So what if that heavy person is a binge eater?  Yes, I can sympathize and relate, but it's none of my business.

I need to focus on my own choices.  I need to own my low fat, low sugar eating plan.  I need to get over the fact that there are some things about myself that I can not change, and make sure that I'm doing the very best to make healthy choices and change the unhealthy patterns that I'm able to.

Do you judge other people by what's on their plate?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

overcoming the odds

Despite the added stress in my life due to my husband's job loss, I've been doing quite well.  My eating has remained healthy and I have continued to exercise regularly.  For now, I've decided to alternate between walking and Tae Bo.  On the days that I've been walking, I've been attempting to increase the speed and intensity.  It will be interesting to see the results of this.  For the most part, I've been enjoying working out.  Exercise has always been something I somewhat dread, so it would be nice if I could get to the point that I really look forward to it.

My husband and I are planning a trip next month.  September 15 is our 20th wedding anniversary.  It's so hard to believe!!  This will be my next food challenge.  Do I "splurge" since it is a once in a lifetime event or do I eat the same as I have been?  I've been thinking about this for a few weeks, and I don't think I'm ready to splurge on anything sugary.  Ultimately, it's just not worth it.  And, you know what?  The thought of not eating a dessert or two (or three or four or five as during past) doesn't really bother me.  I might eat a few things that I haven't been eating on a regular basis, but only if I feel that it is something that I will not regret.  I want to enjoy this time that we'll have together, and remember it with fondness.  I don't want to associate it with the negative effects that sugar has on my mind and my body.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

on the right track

I saw a thought provoking quote today:

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there!”

It made me think of my journey to obtain good health, then maintain it.  Yes, I'm on the right track.  I'm eating healthy foods, avoiding junk food, and exercising.  However, I can't just "sit here".  It's an ever changing process.  It requires learning about nutrition and changing my exercise routine if it is no longer beneficial or becomes stale.  Once I lose all of the weight that I need to, that part of the journey will be different.  

What does this quote mean to you?  

Monday, August 22, 2011

a day of reflection

Today is my 38th birthday.  It's a good time to reflect on my past, learn from it, and move toward future goals.  It's also a great time to take note of my many blessings.

In some ways, it seems like just yesterday I was graduating from high school.  In other ways, that seems light years away.  It's amazing how slowly time seems to pass when you're in school.  After that, it passes so very quickly.

A wise elderly lady once told me that these are the best years of my life.  She reminded me to make sure that I appreciate them.  It is so easy to get caught up in work, raising kids, appointments, paying bills, and all of the other details of life that we don't stop to savor the important things.

I am blessed.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Anatomy of an eating disorder

I've struggled with cravings a bit today.  Not too badly, but I've had them.  After yesterdays binge, I fully expected it.  Why is it that our brain apparently doesn't fully remember that the binge wasn't very fun?  That the after effects aren't worth it?  That the food doesn't really taste that good?  I think if we could remember exactly how we felt after a binge, we would have an easier time resisting the urge in the future.

Whatever food it is them I'm craving, it always tastes better in my mind than it does in reality.  Yes, some of the foods I love are delicious.  But are they as heavenly as we seem to think they are when we're in the midst of an overwhelming desire to get our hands on that item, and in large quantities?

I guess maybe we are wired this way for a reason.  Protection, perhaps?  After all, if we remembered exactly what childbirth felt like would any woman have more than 1 child  :)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

What can I learn from this?

Note to self:  it's NOT worth it.  I feel yucky.  Ultimately, I would have enjoyed a healthy dinner much more than the silly junk that I binged on.  Sugary things are sickening now.  They do not hold the allure that they did in the past.

It's NOT worth it.....but I am worth taking good care of.  I am worth eating healthy, exercising and feeling good about myself.

Insanity is doing the same thing time after time but expecting different results.  It's time to be sane.

Why can't I be normal?

I'm home alone and just binged.  Why can I eat healthy without any problem many days, but then have such a difficult time other days?  I'm so ashamed and embarrassed and disgusted with myself.  Not to mention that I feel nauseous and sick.  Eating disorder or not, I CHOSE to do this.  In the interest of being honest with myself, this is what I ate.  Two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a small bowl full of chex mix, two pieces of toast with real butter and jelly, and a salad with real cheese, croutons and bacon bits.  Kind of weird.  Were these foods even "worth it"?  No.  I came very close to driving to the grocery store for ice cream and chips and dip.  I didn't, though.  Perhaps I should be proud of that?

It seems as if peanut butter shouldn't be in my house.  It seems so ridiculous to ask my family to not keep something so simple and basic in the house, though.  I don't feel guilty not having cookies, candy, ice cream, etc. in the house.  No one needs that junk, anyway.  But peanut butter?

I had options.  I could have not stayed home alone.  I could have sent a text/called my son or my husband.  But I didn't.  Why?  I guess because the desire to eat what I wanted to eat was more than the desire to not binge.

I've been thinking about the "diet" and binge cycle.  Is restricting myself from certain foods making the desire to binge worse?  Should I "allow" myself the foods I crave (on occasion, in small amounts) so I don't end up bingeing on them at some point?  I really don't think that's the answer.  I don't think that moderation is an option for me.

I wish that there could be a step by step process that I could put into place that would result in no binges. Something I could do when the desire to binge becomes a struggle.  I need to work on that.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

new exercise

I've been walking 6 or 7 days a week for 20-40 minutes for a while now, and it has become a pleasant part of my routine.  I don't think I would go so far as to say that I love it, but I do enjoy it.  I think it's a good stress reliever.  My son, the fitness buff, mentioned that I should do something more challenging.  My knee jerk reaction is that I'm content with the status quo.  He hates when I use the "content" word.  It is his opinion that we should never be content; we should always be challenging our fitness level and looking for ways to eat healthier.

Quite a number of years back, I did Tae-bo DVD's with a fair amount of frequency.  I'm not very coordinated, so the first challenge was to figure out how to do all of the steps!  I found one of my old DVD's and I did that last night.  I did better than I thought!  Even though I've lost quite a bit of weight, I'm still much heavier than I was when I was using the DVD on a regular basis.  I remembered how to do most of it, and I was able to complete most of the DVD.  I still don't know that I'm ready for it yet.  I had to modify some of it, and (warning....too much information ahead.......)  if I want to start doing this on a regular basis I would need to purchase a good sports bra because everything is far too jiggly!!!

I know....excuses, excuses.  I haven't decided yet if I will continue walking but increase the intensity and/or time  or if I will incorporate Tae-bo into my routine.

Any suggestions?

Saturday, August 13, 2011

93 pounds lost!

I've lost 7 pounds over the last month, for a grand total of 93 pounds lost!!  Every time I write something like this, my natural inclination is to mention that I still have a lot to lose.  I need to learn to celebrate without reserve!  Yay me!

On another note, the last few days have been very difficult.  Not regarding food, but life in general.  I really don't want to go into it right now, but my stress level is very high.  Fortunately, I haven't turned to food and I intend to keep it that way.

Monday, August 8, 2011

food associations

It's interesting how strong our associations can be between certain foods and a specific place, person or event.

For many years when I was a kid, my sister and I would spend the night with my grandparents every Friday while mom and dad had "date night".  Granny and Grandaddy spoiled us rotten.  As we got a little older, they set up a separate room for us with a sofa, chair and TV so we could watch what we wanted to (Dukes of Hazzard!) rather than what they liked (game shows).  

Granny was the best cook.  Her pancakes were so light and fluffy and cake-like.  She would ask us every Friday night what we wanted for breakfast Saturday morning, and fix whatever we asked for.  We would eat breakfast in our pj's, then lazily watch cartoons.

They always kept a stash of candy for us.  Back then, you could occasionally buy candy bars 4 for $1.  When they were on sale, Granny would buy enough to last until the next sale.  Every Friday night, my sister and I could each pick the candy bar that we wanted.  Sometimes she would buy the 1 pound bag of M & M's to last us for a few weekends.  My sister and I would painstakingly count out the same amount for each of us.

Even today, all I have to do is look at M & M's and I think of Friday night at my grandparents.  The smell and taste of those small candies is heavenly to me.  I would eat them one by one, and eat the candy shell first.  Then I would let the remaining chocolate melt in my mouth.  Even hearing someone mentioning M & M's makes me feel all warm and cozy inside.

Food can be so powerful, can't it?  However, we do have control over it.  We can allow ourselves to control food or food to control us.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

peanut butter

I succumbed to the peanut butter monster.  I've been craving stuff off and on for days.  Peanut butter. Pizza. And more.  This afternoon, I ate 2 peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwiches on white bread.  I don't even really like white bread.  I've eaten wheat bread for years.  We typically don't even have white bread in the house. For some reason, the lure of white bread and peanut butter together was very strong.

I feel guilty, but I also feel a bit relieved.  I know that probably sounds crazy.  It's sort of like, ok.  I've felt this coming for weeks.  I finally gave in.  I can move on now.  Should this tell me that I should include peanut butter in my healthy eating plan so I don't create the "forbidden fruit" that eventually causes a binge?  I'm not sure.

Not to rationalize or justify what I did, but it could have been much worse.  Two peanut butter sandwiches is nothing compared to what I've binged on in the past.  However, it's the behavior that isn't healthy.  It wasn't about hunger.  It was about cravings, and I suppose stress.  It's the sneakiness about it.  I'm mortified to admit this, but in the interest of being honest with myself I will.  As I had almost completed making the sandwiches, I heard my daughter walking down the steps.  I quickly grabbed the sandwiches and  went to the bathroom and locked the door.  I ate them in the bathroom so my daughter wouldn't see the binge.  This is one of the sad and embarrassing aspects of binge eating disorder.

I'm not proud of this, but I'm going to put it behind me and move on.

"new" clothes

Someone at work recently commented on my weight loss.  She is also in the process of trying to lose a fairly large amount of weight, so she can definitely understand this journey.

Today, she mentioned that she could particularly notice my weight loss because of what I was wearing.  I was actually wearing a cardigan and shell in a great clover green color.  It has been in my closet for probably 5 years or more, and I haven't been able to wear it for a very long time.  I tried it this morning, and at first I thought it was still a little too tight.  However, after studying my reflection for a little longer I decided that it was ok.

I think that those of us who struggle with our weight, particularly if you've been a "yo-yo dieter" and have had drastic weight changes, can sometimes have a difficult time determining if clothes fit properly.  That probably sounds crazy, but it's true.  I think we have a tendency to wear items a little too loosely to try to hide our imperfections.

It was nice to get a compliment, and it was nice to be able to wear something "new" that was apparently flattering!

Monday, August 1, 2011

pizza party results

Lunch went well today!  It didn't really bother me to eat my grilled chicken salad while everyone else ate pizza.  We ate lunch about an hour earlier than I typically do, so I wasn't starving so I think that helped a lot.

When I got home, I was hungry which is not typical.  Usually I don't get hungry until fairly close to dinner.  I think it was partially due to the fact that the salad wasn't particularly filling.  I also feel that it's partly stress husband's job loss and the related financial issues are beginning to "sink in".

I began craving peanut butter.  I'm not going down that slippery road to binge land, though!!  No need to have victory over pizza then loss over peanut butter!!!!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

blessings abound

I've always known that I'm truly blessed to have a great family and great friends.  It is so evident in times like this, though.  In the short time since we've shared with only a small group of close family and friends that my husband lost his job, we've received emails and calls of encouragement, a $25 gift card for gas, garden fresh tomatoes, some school supplies for my daughter, and a few other things.

A friend who is in a much tougher financial situation than we are offered to provide us with some groceries.  How sweet and thoughtful is that?

Right now, we're actually ok financially.  We will have to re-adjust our budget, but we will be able to meet our needs and already have plenty of our wants.  It's not so much the actual items that have been given to us during this unexpected difficult time that means so much, but the love that motivates these gifts.  

We are truly blessed.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Bad News

My husband lost his job yesterday.  His position was eliminated.  It was completely unexpected.  I have complete faith that God will take care of us, and he has a plan for my husband's next job.  That doesn't mean that I'm not experiencing a myriad of emotions though.  Fear, anger, bitterness, etc.  I feel so bad for him.  It's so hard for him not to take this personally.  Even though he knows that the economy is still bad, and that he was told that his performance was wonderful, I'm sure it's still a blow to his ego.

I'm trying to get past the negative emotions and move on to the practical matters of tightening the budget, distinguishing our needs between our wants, and helping him look for a new job.

I need to be careful that this stressful situation doesn't become an excuse to use food in ways that food shouldn't be used.  Food is nourishment.  It is not comfort.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

unexpected help

Yesterday was a hard day.  I was already contemplating how to handle the pizza party at work.  Then we had pizza at church last night.  I felt like I was being consumed (no pun intended) by thoughts of pizza!!  I knew about the dinner in advance, and I almost decided not to go.  There was a meeting after dinner that I felt I should attend so I went.  I ate a healthy, filling dinner at home, so I thought I'd be ok.  Wrong.  I enjoyed talking with people, but watching everyone eat pizza was very difficult.  I wanted to leave church, go to the pizza restaurant, and buy an entire pizza to eat by myself. When I got home I went for a walk.  That helped enormously.  Due to my frustration at the strong cravings I was having, I was able to increase my speed quite a bit!!

This morning I was struggling again on the way to work.  For some reason, I began thinking about peanut butter.  I love peanut butter.  It is definitely a "trigger" food so I've been avoiding it.  Then I began thinking about one of my favorite Little Debbie Snack cakes.  Then ice cream.  I began considering going to purchase some of these items after work.   Then.....when I was walking to my desk I passed by someone who had a package of Reese cup cookies on their desk.  Ugh.  Here we go with the peanut butter cravings again.

When I began reading my emails, I noticed one from the person who is handling the details of our pizza party next week.  She explained that she knows that I have been eating healthy, and that she assume that I  wouldn't want to eat pizza.  She asked if there was something else she could order from the restaurant for me.  How sweet was that??!!

That brightened my day.  At that point, I replied that I couldn't remember which restaurant she had decided to go with, but I didn't think any of the several that she was deciding between would have anything healthy.  I told her that I was still deciding whether I should "splurge" or simply not participate.

About 15 minutes later, another co-worker came by my desk, and she mentioned that she thought about me yesterday and she was concerned that I wouldn't want to eat pizza at our party.  She said she's noticed how well I've done, and that she knew I wouldn't want to eat pizza.  She actually asked our boss if it was ok to order something separate for me.  How awesome is that??!!!

I've mentioned before that I'm a very private person.  I have an extremely hard time sharing personal things with anyone, so I typically don't.  This is especially true of sharing my weight/food issues.  

When I began eating healthy in January, I didn't announce it to the world.  (Actually, I sort of did on this blog!) My family, yes.  Eventually I mentioned it at work, but not in any great detail and to only 1 or 2 people.  I have failed too many times, and I'm so self conscious about my weight that I don't like to talk about it. 

I also don't like to call attention to myself or my eating habits, so I certainly didn't want to ask for any kind of "special treatment" for this party.  I didn't think twice about it when someone asked if we could order wings since she doesn't like pizza.  I also didn't think anything of a friend asking if we could make sure that one of the pizza's is cheese only since she doesn't like toppings.  However, I didn't want to ask for special consideration.  Why is that?  

It was so nice to get such support from people, especially when I haven't even discussed my struggles with them.  Perhaps the lesson in all of this is that I do need to open up more.  Is the risk involved in sharing my struggles worth the support and accountability?   Not only did these two friends make me feel cared for and supported, but it helped me make a healthy choice rather than splurging on a food that could potentially result in days of cravings.  I was able to find a healthy grilled chicken salad on the menu, and I plan to enjoy it immensely!  

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

yet another pizza party

We're having a pizza party at work on Monday.  I guess it's actually been a while since we've had a party.  While I've been eating healthy, my initial reaction has been to avoid something like this.  This time, I'm undecided.  My first reaction is to splurge and have pizza.  Then I think about all of the fat that's in pizza, and I think about the potential for a splurge to lead to cravings for a day or two.

I probably need to decide in advance what I should do.  Any advice?

Saturday, July 23, 2011


Oh no!!!  I think I somehow deleted all of my comments!!  Sorry - I know there isn't a large amount of traffic on my blog, but I do greatly appreciate all of the kind comments that I've received.  Sorry they are gone  :(

Friday, July 22, 2011


Still having lots of food cravings today.  I'm not certain of the cause; as I mentioned yesterday I assume being around lots of food during our trip might be to blame.  Thought I ate healthy, the fat content in some of the foods I ate  was higher than I'm accustomed to so that probably didn't help.

About mid-day, my mind was filled with thoughts of food.  That was all I could seem to think about.  The cravings and the inner struggle seemed to be building to the point that the only way I could find relief was to give in to the inevitable and go to the grocery store after work and buy lots of junk.  I rationalized that this seemed to be the type of event (for lack of a better word) that in the past has gotten to the point where I gave in to the urge to binge and was actually able to move on fairly quickly rather than either eat junk for days or crave junk food for days.  How can I possibly know that this would happen?  Even if I could binge and not have trouble afterwards, is that a good enough reason to behave in such a manner?   I need to change my pattern of thinking.  A binge should never be inevitable!

As I was struggling, someone commented on my weight loss.  This person is also in the process of losing weight so we talked for a minute about healthy habits.  That helped a bit.  I then texted my son.  I came very close to not doing so because I didn't want to.  The rebellious inner child in me didn't want the accountability.  But I texted him anyway.  That helped quite a bit.  He mentioned that he is having trouble today too.  He is trying to lose his last 5 or 10 pounds and is doing so by carb cycling.  It seems to be working, but it's very tough.  Saturday and Sunday are no carb days for him.  That makes my struggle seem minor!

Another great reason not to buy all of the junk food that I'd love to binge on - it's over 100 degrees!!!!  The stuff would melt between the grocery store and my car!!  

After the encouragement and with the help of some strongly flavored gum, I was able to get out of that struggle and am doing much better now.  I'm so glad that I didn't succumb to temptation.  I need to remember how that feels so I can use it as a reminder the next time I'm having difficulty!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

lots of cravings

I can't seem to get my mind off of food today.  Lots of cravings for sugary treats.  I assume that it has to do with the increased exposure to junk food over the last several days.  I didn't eat any of it, but visual stimulation can be powerful sometimes.  Not to mention, that within about 15 minutes of arriving at work this morning I was offered cookies, muffins and candy.

The cravings have been frequent, but they haven't been those overwhelming I'm going to die if I don't eat this kind.  I've easily been able to immediately remind myself that eating junk isn't worth it.  A few minutes of pleasure would be so minor compared to the days of continued cravings that would follow.  It's still annoying to constantly have thoughts of food popping into my head.

My husband will be out of town until Sunday afternoon/evening.  I try to tell myself that this has nothing to do with my eating habits, but I think it does.  I am a very independent person, so intellectually it doesn't really seem that his being away from home effects my eating habits.  However, if I look at my track record  I think it does.  I'm not sure if I get more lonely than what I think I do, or if it has simply been a matter of having more opportunity to eat junk with no accountability.  Either way, I need to be super vigilant right now.

One day at a time.  Actually, make that one hour at a time today.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Successful trip!

I'm happy to say that I stayed on plan during our mini vacation!  I ate oatmeal with cherry flavored craisins  every morning for breakfast.  For lunch, I had soup and fruit one day, a Subway grilled chicken sub (no cheese, no mayo) for lunch one day, and a Firehouse sub for lunch another day.  I actually had never eaten at Firehouse Subs, so I made what I assumed was a healthy choice.  I just read the nutrition info on their web site, and I am a bit surprised.  The calories were higher than I expected.  I don't think I really made a bad choice, though.  For dinner, I had a sub one evening and grilled dijon chicken and portebellos at Applebee's one evening.  (Which was delish and filling!!)

I know to some of you these choices may sound boring, but variety isn't typically important to me.  Staying on plan wasn't too difficult.  There were moments, though, that were hard.  When everyone else was eating ice cream for example.  Also, the resort where we stayed had an in house bakery with sugary treats like donuts, cookies, ice cream, and fudge.  We had to walk by the bakery every time we went to our room, and the smells were intoxicating.

I used the tread mill Monday and Tuesday, and we shopped at a huge mall for about 4 hours today so I did a lot of walking.

This trip, though short, was very different for me.  Typically, trips such as these revolved around food.  After all, it's easy to rationalize overeating and eating junk food while on vacation.  Everyone does that, right?  I noticed that I had far more energy than I normally do on vacations since I ate healthy.

I still felt that the trip revolved around food more than I would like it to.  I still thought about what I was going to eat, what I was not going to eat, what everyone else was eating, etc.  It would be nice if I could think much less about food.

Hopefully these healthy habits will become a part of me, and will become second nature.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

13 pounds gone!

I've lost 13 pounds this month!  I'm glad that I weighed myself before this week's short vacation.  I think this loss will help keep me motivated to eat healthy while away from home.

Friday, July 15, 2011

mini vacation

My husband and I are taking my daughter and her best friend on a mini vacation next week.  We'll leave Monday and come back Wednesday.  I've been pondering how to handle food during that time.  I plan to take oatmeal and raisins with me so that I can eat a healthy breakfast in our room.  I also plan to take some healthy snacks such as almonds with me.  I don't typically eat snacks, I'm more of a three-meals-a-day kind of girl, but I know that while on vacation things change so I want to be prepared.

I know we'll be eating out a lot, so the main issue I'm trying to decide in advance is whether I'll "splurge" a little.  I've already decided that I will not splurge on sugar.  It's just not worth it.  Even a small amount of sugar would still leave me craving sugar for days.  If I do splurge it might be on french fries or pizza, for example.  Is that even worth it?

In the past, one of my main sources of pleasure during a vacation has been eating.  Lots of unhealthy snacks and unhealthy meals at restaurants.  This little trip will be different.  I want to derive pleasure from non-food things.  Spending time with my family, relaxing, etc.

While I know that eating at restaurants isn't ideal, there is still at least one or two healthy choices at most any establishment.  Grilled chicken sandwich, a salad without lots of cheese and full fat dressing, etc.

I also plan to exercise.  I'm not sure if I'll use the hotel gym....actually now that I think about it I'm not sure if this particular establishment has one.  If not, I should still be able to walk.

I'll keep you posted!