Friday, September 30, 2011

Note to self: binges aren't enjoyable anymore

True confession time again.  I've been planning a binge all week.  I knew that I would be home by myself for a while today.  I've been craving specific foods, and I couldn't stop obsessing about them.  I was excited that I would have several hours to spend with my husband this morning after he'd been out of town all week.  However, I was just as excited about the binge that I planned. That makes me very sad.

As soon as my husband left the house to go back out of town,  I headed for the grocery store.  My daughter is at school and my son is at work. I purchased some biscuits, extra sharp cheddar cheese, french onion dip, corn chips, Little Debbie brownies, and a pack of two large Reese cups.  I ate three of the brownies on the way home.  I cooked the biscuits as soon as I got home, then ate 5 of them with cheddar on them.  A bit later, I ate the Reese cups, and a while after that I ate about 1/4 of the container of dip with the chips.  All while reading a good book.  Disgusting, isn't it?

I've mentioned before that, in the past, eating yummy comfort foods while reading a book was one of my ultimate, favorite things to do.  This event was pre-meditated.  I didn't really struggle, because I didn't try to talk myself out of it.  I rationalized that one binge wasn't going to be the end of the world.

As with the occasional binges over the past months while I've been on my journey to become a healthier person, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.  I feel sick.  I feel uncomfortable.  My stomach is making strange, loud noises.  Why can't I remember that this is never as good as I think it will be???!!!!

I've thrown away the leftovers.  I'm done.  Next time I begin planning a binge or struggling with the urge to binge, I need to read past posts about how yucky I feel and how eating large quantities of junk just doesn't do anything for me.  Sure, the first couple of bites of each food was pretty good.  After that, continuing is not about taste it's about compulsion.

How do I find balance?   I'm still struggling with that.  Since I can't seem to eat "just one" of most foods with sugar and/or a lot of fat, do I avoid them completely to maintain my sanity?  Or does avoiding these foods completely set myself up for failure?  I've been asking myself this question over and over.  I suspect that finding the answer will take time.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

cravings better, anxiety worse?

The cravings were quite a bit better, but my stress level is worse.  Kind of odd isn't it?  There are those that insist that eating issues, disorders, or whatever you want to call them are not about food.  They are about emotions.  I somewhat agree, but there are times like today that I question this.  If my stress level is up, wouldn't the logical conclusion be that the cravings would be worse?

Regardless, I'm thankful that the cravings are better.  The anxiety will lessen.  Nothing overly dramatic, just a few frustrating things going on that are basically beyond my control.  I need to learn to let go of the things that I can't change.

Monday, September 26, 2011

binge eating disorder sucks

It is so disconcerting to be handling food with relative ease, then BAM. The insidious thoughts and cravings have been meandering through my brain for the past few days.  Have there been triggers?  I don't know.  Does it even help to analyze?  I suppose I'm under a bit of stress.  My husband will be out of town frequently for the next month or so.  I cooked foods that are not on my current healthy eating plan for a party I hosted this weekend.  Perhaps all of these factors combined spell trouble.

There are so many variables that comprise an eating disorder.  The physical aspects of sugar addiction and the temporary high that it causes.  The emotional attachment to certain foods.  That is why eating disorders are so hard to overcome.

There are several specific foods that I've been craving, and I've even began planning how and when I would obtain them and eat them.  Part of an eating disorder involves secrecy.  I definitely can't binge in front of anyone.  Since the foods I'm currently craving involve a certain amount of cooking, I don't really have the opportunity to do this right now if I want to be alone.  Which, even in this funky messed up state of mind where I really want to give in, I suppose I somewhat appreciate.

I even considered leaving work early today, buying the food, then having several hours at home to myself to eat.  I didn't do it, though.  While I completely understand the destructiveness of even allowing my thoughts to be taken over by food and the possible event of a binge, there is a part of me that misses it.  I know that's not completely logical, but it's the truth.

This is so very frustrating, but I need to divert my thoughts.  I need to stop the proverbial "pity party" and move on.  I've eaten healthy and exercised despite being bombarded with these thoughts.  And that is victory.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Priority check

I saw a quote yesterday that I've seen before, but it really resonated with me this time.

"One should eat to live, not live to eat."

Food is necessary for fueling our bodies.  Do we treat that as the primary reason for eating, though? Why do we choose the foods we do?

Here are just a few that I thought of:
does the entire family like it?
ease of preparation
how does it make me feel?

For many years, I lived to eat.  If I'm really honest with myself, eating was one of the main sources of pleasure in my life.  I made it a huge priority.  The time I spent planning what I would eat, purchasing it, eating it, hiding how much I was eating.....looking back I realize how sad that is.

My priorities should be God, my family, my friends, my health, my job.  I'm not saying that food shouldn't be pleasurable, but I need to always remember to put it in the proper perspective.  It is fuel.  Whole grains, proteins, fruits, and vegetables provide my body what it needs to function properly.  A diet high in fat, sugar and salt does nothing.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Trip update

Our anniversary trip was wonderful!!!  It was such a great time for hubby and I to be alone. I'm thankful that we were able to do this.  We are blessed with great kids - they really took care of everything nicely while we were away.  I think it was a good experience, particularly for my son.  He's 19, and it was good for him to have complete responsibility for a short time.  Not to mention that it makes him appreciate all that we do for him!

I ate healthy, and exercised every day.  We were able to go hiking several times, which was fun but it really gave my legs a workout!!!!

The only thing that I splurged on was pizza.  I got a personal pan pizza from Pizza Hut with onions, peppers and black olives.  It was so delicious!!!!!  I also got a small salad full of veggies so that I would have some fiber to fill me up.  I was concerned that all of the simple carbs and fat in the pizza would temporarily fill me up, then after I "crashed" I would be very hungry.  My plan worked!!  It was nice to enjoy something that I wouldn't eat on a regular basis, not feel guilty about it, then move on.  The rest of the trip I ate mostly chicken, veggies, and fruit.

The biggest thing that I'm grateful for is that I didn't feel deprived.  As with most vacation spots, the area that we visited had an overwhelmingly plentiful supply of restaurants, fudge shops, candy shops, ice cream stores......a sugar addicts dream (or nightmare depending on how you look at it!).  My outlook was better than it has been in the past.  I didn't look at it as "I can't have any of these wonderful treats.  How unfair is that?  Everyone else is!"  Instead, I looked at it as a personal choice that I made, because the few minutes of pleasure wasn't worth it.

I love making progress!!!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

101 pounds lost!!!!!

I've lost 8 pounds during the past month, which brings me to a grand total of 101 pounds lost!!!!  That definitely is encouragement for me to continue on this path.  It's also encouragement to eat healthy on our anniversary trip.  We're leaving tomorrow and coming back Wednesday evening.  I'm really looking forward to this time with my hubby.  :)

I've decided to stay away from sugar on our trip.  I considered allowing myself one dessert and savoring it. For many people, that's a great idea.  For a sugar addict, not necessarily a smart choice.  I will likely splurge on some other things that I haven't been eating, but I want to make reasonably smart decisions.  I also plan to exercise.

I'm considering a reward for my 100 pound loss.  Non food related of course!  Perhaps a charm for my Pandora bracelet.  Not sure.  I'll think more on that.  

Thursday, September 8, 2011


 I often wonder about the food choices that other people make.  Is that thin person eating a greasy cheeseburger and extra large milk shake naturally thin, or does she typically eat healthy and this happens to be a splurge?  Does that heavy person that appears to eat healthy much of the time a secret binge eater, or do they simply struggle with their weight even though they eat healthy much of the time?

I'm actually embarrassed to admit that I pay what it probably an abnormal amount of attention to others' eating habits.  Ultimately, it really doesn't matter.  So what if that thin person can eat anything they want, anytime they want and remain at a healthy weight?  That doesn't mean that their cholesterol, blood pressure and other things are normal.  So what if that heavy person is a binge eater?  Yes, I can sympathize and relate, but it's none of my business.

I need to focus on my own choices.  I need to own my low fat, low sugar eating plan.  I need to get over the fact that there are some things about myself that I can not change, and make sure that I'm doing the very best to make healthy choices and change the unhealthy patterns that I'm able to.

Do you judge other people by what's on their plate?