Today was my first day without sugar for quite a while. I've experienced the expected cravings, which resulted in a meltdown this afternoon.
I left my debit card, credit card and cash at home. Even further, I asked my son to hide them so I wouldn't even know where they are. No money = no sugar. However, I needed to go by the drugstore today to pick up a prescription for my son. He knows that I've been bingeing on junk food again, so last night he offered to go to the store with me.
As I was driving home from work, and having terrible cravings for all kinds of sugary carbs I began wondering if my son would follow through with going with me to the store. I began to think about what I would buy if he didn't go with me. Then I called him, and asked him if he would be ready to go when I got home. He asked if I would be ok going by myself. I almost lied, but I couldn't. I told him that I really didn't think I would be ok by myself.
After I hung up, all I could do was sob. How pathetic is it that I, a grown woman of 38, mother of two, can't be trusted to have money or go to a store alone without buying foods that I know are poisonous to me. How sad is it that I have to rely on my child (though he is 20 years old) to hide my money and to babysit me at the store.
As I was wallowing in self pity, depression, and who knows what else, I decided to call my husband. I have trouble reaching out when I'm struggling, but I did it. As I explained my loser status to him, he corrected me. He feels that I overcame today, and that my choices were an example of victory. I didn't lie to my son. I chose to seek help on a shopping trip that I knew would very likely end with the purchase of junk.
Perhaps asking for help is indicative of strength not weakness.