Thursday, May 31, 2012

living life to the fullest

Our church is having a picnic at a local park Sunday afternoon.  For several reasons, I really don't want to go.  First, I'm not a very social person.  I'm a homebody.  Second, we've only been attending this church a few months so I don't know anyone very well yet.  For an extrovert, this would be a perfect opportunity to make friends, for an introvert a situation like this can be difficult.  Next, there's the food issue.  What do I eat, what do I not eat etc. etc. etc.

Last, but not least, I know it sounds silly but there's the "what to wear" conundrum.  My self esteem is currently rather low because I've gained some weight.  My clothes don't fit well.  It will probably be rather warm this weekend, so something cool and comfortable would be in order.  I haven't worn shorts in years and that's not an option.  It would look silly to wear jeans or pants, and I would be uncomfortable.  I considered purchasing a maxi dress, but short heavy girls don't look good in maxi dresses.  The only other option I could think of was capri pants.  I don't think capri pants look good on short, heavy girls either.  However, I suppose it's better to wear not-so-flattering capri pants then to be terribly hot and look silly wearing jeans or slacks.

Yes, I realize to many people it may seem like I'm making far too big a deal of this.  Even if I didn't have the weight issues, due to anxiety and depression issues social situations are hard for me.  Add weight issues/insecurities and it's just easier to withdraw and stay at home.  My daughter will probably want to go, and I don't have the heart to tell her no because of my issues.

All of this reminded me of a similar situation about 15 years ago.  My husband was new at the company that he was working for, and they were having a regional meeting at a park about an hour away from us.  We were expected to attend, so I had little choice in the matter. I was overweight then, too.  I was probably about the same weight that I am now, but I hadn't been overweight for very long at that point.  I had the exact same issues when facing that event as I'm having now.  Social anxiety, food stress, new situation stress, and what-does-a-fat-girl-wear-to-a-sweltering-hot-picnic issues.  I remember settling on a knee length knit skirt  and knit top.  I didn't really love the choice, but it worked out ok.

This long post is to express that I'm sad that I haven't made progress in this area.  Yes, I'm unhappy with my weight.  However, I shouldn't stop living because of it.

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