I am more

Dear Diary,

I am more than a number on the scale.  I am more than the size of my clothing.  My self worth isn't about whether the number on the scale is going up, down, or staying the same.

My self esteem has, for many years, been directly tied to my weight.  If I'm gaining weight, my self esteem plummets.  If I'm eating healthy and losing weight my self esteem is a bit better.

When will I make the choice to not allow compulsive overeating  to consume a majority of my thoughts and actions?  When will I learn that I am a valuable, beautiful child of God, a kind person, a good listener, a good mom, friend, sister, daughter?  When will it become less difficult to even key those words without wanting to hit the delete key because it seems like I'm either bragging or not telling the full truth?  When will I not want to add a disclaimer that I could be a much better mom, friend, sister, daughter?

Perhaps if my self esteem improves the number on the scale will go down because I've learned that I'm worth not abusing my body.  I'm worth not using food in ways other than nourishment.

I'm reminded of some of the lyrics of Tenth Avenue North's song "You Are More":

You are more than the choices that you've made,You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,You are more than the problems you create,You've been remade.