facing the music

I have definitely been avoiding the scales.  I try to weigh myself about once a month, but after succumbing to the inner sugar demon I didn't want to face the damage I'd done.  However, I know that part of this journey involves the scale.  So I did it.  I'm up 9 pounds.  While that is pretty bad, it's honestly not as bad as I'd thought it would be.

There will be no dwelling on this, no self pity, no "I can't do this".  The number reflects what I've eaten during the last month or so.  It doesn't indicate that I'm a bad person, it indicates that I made poor choices.

Moving on.

not a perfect journey

I have to continually remind myself that this is a journey.  There is no real end.  This can be difficult, because I view it as having somewhat of an end because I do want to reach a normal weight and stay there.  However, overall, this is a journey.  One meal at a time.

Last week someone stopped me at work and commented on my weight loss.  She mentioned that she was really struggling, and that her doctor gave her some advice and told her that it was simple.  I told her to find another doctor :)  I suppose in some ways it is simple.  But it's not easy.  If it were, millions of people wouldn't be overweight, and the diet industry wouldn't be raking in the dough.

Later that week, I mentioned to my sister that I feel like such a fraud when someone admires my weight loss.  I'm not where I need to be physically, mentally or emotionally.  In many ways I don't feel that I should be admired or that I should give advice on the subject.  My sister looked at me and said  "so do you think you have to be perfect to help someone?"  Hmmmm.  That made me think.

No, I don't have to be perfect to offer advice, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen.  This is a journey and it is not perfect.  There will be hills and valleys.  The important thing is to be determined not to get stuck in a valley, but to move on.

weakness or strength?

Today was my first day without sugar for quite a while.  I've experienced the expected cravings, which resulted in a meltdown this afternoon.

I left my debit card, credit card and cash at home.  Even further, I asked my son to hide them so I wouldn't even know where they are.  No money = no sugar.  However, I needed to go by the drugstore today to pick up a prescription for my son.  He knows that I've been bingeing on junk food again, so last night he offered to go to the store with me.

As I was driving home from work, and having terrible cravings for all kinds of sugary carbs I began wondering if my son would follow through with going with me to the store.  I began to think about what I would buy if he didn't go with me.  Then I called him, and asked him if he would be ready to go when I got home.  He asked if I would be ok going by myself.  I almost lied, but I couldn't.  I told him that I really didn't think I would be ok by myself.

After I hung up, all I could do was sob.  How pathetic is it that I, a grown woman of 38, mother of two, can't be trusted to have money or go to a store alone without buying foods that I know are poisonous to me.  How sad is it that I have to rely on my child (though he is 20 years old) to hide my money and to babysit me at the store.

As I was wallowing in self pity, depression, and who knows what else, I decided to call my husband.  I have trouble reaching out when I'm struggling, but I did it.  As I explained my loser status to him, he corrected me.  He feels that I overcame today, and that my choices were an example of victory.  I didn't lie to my son.  I chose to seek help on a shopping trip that I knew would very likely end with the purchase of junk.

Perhaps asking for help is indicative of strength not weakness.

5K

My sister and I walked a 5K yesterday.  It was the first time I'd done anything like that, and it was fun!  The weather was perfect and the route was only slightly challenging.  Since I've severely slacked in the exercise and healthy eating department recently, I felt less prepared than I wanted to be.   I was still able to keep a good pace, though.

Eating was a bit better today, but I'm still not really back on track.  I'm not giving up.  I need to move out of the all or nothing thinking.  I need to realize that there isn't an end to this.  This is a journey.  Yes, there is sort of an end when I reach an acceptable weight, but the journey doesn't end there.  The journey involves many, many choices.  Each time I pick up food or a beverage, choose whether to exercise or do something sedentary, take vitamins or not......all of these actions are choices in my journey to be a healthy person.

same old same old

I've fallen back in to the same old traps and bad habits.  I cringe as I write this post.  It's embarrassing.  I know better.  I know that I can't do the same things I've always done and expect different results.  I can't seem to find the motivation or the determination to get back on track.

This is where I am right now:

It's the all or nothing thing all over again.  I'm back to eating junk, very little exercise, I'm not wearing my pedometer or entering information in my log for the fit challenge at work, I'm not even taking my usual vitamins - what's that all about?

Back to the "I'll start over tomorrow" mentality for the one millionth time.  It's pathetic.  Apparently the sugar and fat are currently more important to me than making healthy choices.  I wouldn't be doing this if there weren't some sort of reward - right?

There is a part of me that wants to give up.  Why bother when I know I always end up back at the same place?  But......I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet.  I'm discouraged, but not defeated.

Enough rambling.  Just wanted to document where I am right now......this will allow me to see how far I've come once I get over the hurdle.

Sick

Sick
by Shel Silverstein
"I cannot go to school today," Said little Peggy Ann McKay. "I have the measles and the mumps, A gash, a rash and purple bumps. My mouth is wet, my throat is dry, I'm going blind in my right eye. My tonsils are as big as rocks, I've counted sixteen chicken pox And there's one more--that's seventeen, And don't you think my face looks green? My leg is cut--my eyes are blue-- It might be instamatic flu. I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke, I'm sure that my left leg is broke-- My hip hurts when I move my chin, My belly button's caving in, My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained, My 'pendix pains each time it rains. My nose is cold, my toes are numb. I have a sliver in my thumb. My neck is stiff, my voice is weak, I hardly whisper when I speak. My tongue is filling up my mouth, I think my hair is falling out. My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight, My temperature is one-o-eight. My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear, There is a hole inside my ear. I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what? What's that? What's that you say? You say today is. . .Saturday? G'bye, I'm going out to play!" I've always loved this poem. I've heard it performed as a monologue by a very talented young lady, which caused me to love it even more. Enough of that, though. Saturday  I had a stomach virus.  Don't worry - there will be no details given here. It was  unpleasant, but definitely could have been worse.  I very seldom get sick. In fact  I can't remember the last time I did. Probably two years ago I think.   It was so frustrating to have things that I needed to do (grocery shopping, laundry, preparing for Easter, spending time with my hubby since he's only home on weekends)  and not being able to do a thing.   I was much better on Sunday, so I was able to go to Easter services at church,  and then to my sister's for dinner.  There, I made a mistake. After you've recovered  from a stomach bug, you can eat normally right away, correct?  Wrong.   I didn't overeat, but my appetite had returned so I ate dinner. Dinner included some special dishes that I don't normally eat like my sister's mac & cheese (which is the best in the entire world) and mashed potatoes.  Needless to say, I regretted eating something other than saltines or toast.   Anyway.......if anything good can come out of  a stomach virus, it will be this. I will take advantage of the opportunity to get my eating back on track.  My stomach can't currently handle a return to my normal  foods at this point, but I still need to make healthy choices. I know that I will be a bit off kilter this week because my routine will be disrupted.  My daughter is on spring break,and I'm on vacation. I will not use this as an excuse to become a sugar eating slug.

Bad choices equates to bad person?

A crime has been committed.  (Cue theme to Dragnet, Monk, Hillstreet Blues.....any cop/detective show will do)  Who is the perpetrator?  Me.  Who is the victim?  My body.  What is the motive?  To savor the taste of sugar and feel the (temporary) effects of a sugar high.  What is the punishment?  Weight gain, shame, disgust, guilt, a loss of control, a self imposed prison.

Yes, I've done it.  Once again I've succumbed to the allure of sugar.  Every day since Friday I've binged on sugar.  I know better.  I know the long term effects, the short term effects, the abuse that I'm imposing on my body and mind.  The list goes on and on.

Does this make me a bad person?  Does this make me stupid because I'm going down the same road yet again that I know leads to a horrible place?  I used to think so.  Sometimes I still do.  But feeling this way will only allow me to wallow in self pity and stay this course rather than going back to what I know to be best.  Healthy eating, no sugar, no whites, exercise.  

On a more positive note, I've signed up for my first 5k!!!!!  I'm so excited.  It is a walk/run, and I will be walking.  My sister plans to sign up as well, and the registration fee is given to the American Cancer Society.  My plan is to make this the first of many.  I hope that this will be a step in the right direction to help motivate me to continue with healthy habits rather than self destructive ones.

As my blog title implies, this is a journey.  I still have quite a bit more weight to lose, but more importantly I still have quite a way to go emotionally.  Once I reach a healthy weight, I realize that the journey is not over.  This will be a life long journey that I will take one food choice at a time.  I'm not going to give up.