Friday, September 30, 2011

Note to self: binges aren't enjoyable anymore

True confession time again.  I've been planning a binge all week.  I knew that I would be home by myself for a while today.  I've been craving specific foods, and I couldn't stop obsessing about them.  I was excited that I would have several hours to spend with my husband this morning after he'd been out of town all week.  However, I was just as excited about the binge that I planned. That makes me very sad.

As soon as my husband left the house to go back out of town,  I headed for the grocery store.  My daughter is at school and my son is at work. I purchased some biscuits, extra sharp cheddar cheese, french onion dip, corn chips, Little Debbie brownies, and a pack of two large Reese cups.  I ate three of the brownies on the way home.  I cooked the biscuits as soon as I got home, then ate 5 of them with cheddar on them.  A bit later, I ate the Reese cups, and a while after that I ate about 1/4 of the container of dip with the chips.  All while reading a good book.  Disgusting, isn't it?

I've mentioned before that, in the past, eating yummy comfort foods while reading a book was one of my ultimate, favorite things to do.  This event was pre-meditated.  I didn't really struggle, because I didn't try to talk myself out of it.  I rationalized that one binge wasn't going to be the end of the world.

As with the occasional binges over the past months while I've been on my journey to become a healthier person, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.  I feel sick.  I feel uncomfortable.  My stomach is making strange, loud noises.  Why can't I remember that this is never as good as I think it will be???!!!!

I've thrown away the leftovers.  I'm done.  Next time I begin planning a binge or struggling with the urge to binge, I need to read past posts about how yucky I feel and how eating large quantities of junk just doesn't do anything for me.  Sure, the first couple of bites of each food was pretty good.  After that, continuing is not about taste it's about compulsion.

How do I find balance?   I'm still struggling with that.  Since I can't seem to eat "just one" of most foods with sugar and/or a lot of fat, do I avoid them completely to maintain my sanity?  Or does avoiding these foods completely set myself up for failure?  I've been asking myself this question over and over.  I suspect that finding the answer will take time.

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