It is so disconcerting to be handling food with relative ease, then BAM. The insidious thoughts and cravings have been meandering through my brain for the past few days. Have there been triggers? I don't know. Does it even help to analyze? I suppose I'm under a bit of stress. My husband will be out of town frequently for the next month or so. I cooked foods that are not on my current healthy eating plan for a party I hosted this weekend. Perhaps all of these factors combined spell trouble.
There are so many variables that comprise an eating disorder. The physical aspects of sugar addiction and the temporary high that it causes. The emotional attachment to certain foods. That is why eating disorders are so hard to overcome.
There are several specific foods that I've been craving, and I've even began planning how and when I would obtain them and eat them. Part of an eating disorder involves secrecy. I definitely can't binge in front of anyone. Since the foods I'm currently craving involve a certain amount of cooking, I don't really have the opportunity to do this right now if I want to be alone. Which, even in this funky messed up state of mind where I really want to give in, I suppose I somewhat appreciate.
I even considered leaving work early today, buying the food, then having several hours at home to myself to eat. I didn't do it, though. While I completely understand the destructiveness of even allowing my thoughts to be taken over by food and the possible event of a binge, there is a part of me that misses it. I know that's not completely logical, but it's the truth.
This is so very frustrating, but I need to divert my thoughts. I need to stop the proverbial "pity party" and move on. I've eaten healthy and exercised despite being bombarded with these thoughts. And that is victory.