broken

I feel as if a part of me is broken or defective.  The part of the brain that should prohibit compulsive behavior.  Barely 24 hours after I've (once again) found that binges aren't very pleasurable, I wanted to do it again.

 I want to have peace with food.  How badly do I want that, though?  Is that desire stronger than the desire to eat sugary, fatty foods?  Can that desire and my commitment to good health outweigh (no pun intended) my compulsive tendencies?

The day started out fairly well.  I was determined to get back on plan.  I ate oatmeal for breakfast, then went grocery shopping.  That went surprisingly well.  The desires didn't hit until after I took my daughter to meet some friends.  I was driving home when I was overwhelmed with cravings.  I would have the house to myself for about 3 hours.  (My husband is out of town and my son is at work)  The old familiar debate began in my mind. Remember the old cartoons where the angel is on one shoulder and the devil is on the other?  The devil is telling me to stop by the grocery store and buy ice cream and cake.  The angel is reminding me of what those types of foods do to me physically, emotionally and psychologically.  The battle between my desire to be healthy and the urge to binge is horrible.  I was literally in tears.  Unless you understand eating disorders and food addiction, this probably makes no sense to you.

This is so very humiliating and degrading to admit, but in order to be honest and accountable I will share something.  I even considered taking the food I'd thrown away yesterday out of the trash.  Only a true addict would consider such a disgusting action.  I began rationalizing this in my head.  "There was very little else in that trash bag - the food wasn't touching anything else."  "It was cold last night, it didn't spoil".  How disgusting, abnormal and twisted is it to consider something like that?!

After struggling for a bit, I sent a text to my son.  I knew that once I did that, I wouldn't stop at the grocery store.  I needed that accountability.  As soon as I got home, I went for a 45 minute walk.  That helped tremendously.

What can I learn from this?  This "episode" involved several things.  My sugar intake yesterday triggered cravings, then being alone set the stage for a problem.  So, step one is don't eat refined sugar and/or high fat foods.  Step two - if I mess up and eat these things, be proactive and plan deterrents for the days to follow.  Exercise earlier in the day.  Don't spend time alone.

Victory is mine!