Dear Diary,
I attended a Revival service at my parent's church tonight because my daughter was invited to sing. I no longer attend this church because God called us elsewhere, but I know many of the people there. The pastor is a wonderful man. I feel very comfortable there, because I grew up there. I was looking forward to going, and was proud of my daughter for sharing her talent.
The first person that I saw when I entered the church was an older lady that I've known since I was a child. Sally* warmly welcomed us. As I walked away, I heard another elderly lady, Jean*, that I don't know as well ask her who I was. She said "that's John Smith's* daughter". I was a fair distance away by that point, and Jean probably didn't realize that I could hear her. She said "oh, yes. she lost all of that weight and looked so good. Then she gained it all back."
Isn't church a place where we should feel love and accepted? Isn't this type of behavior the reason why many people don't want to have anything to do with church? I had to immediately put the conversation out of mind. Otherwise, I would have either burst into tears or left the church. I stayed, but became sharply aware of how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin. Despite being dressed nicely and fashionably, I felt fat and ugly.
God knew that my heart was aching, though. The speaker's sermon was based on 1 Samuel 16. The verse that I needed to hear was verse 7 "..... The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
I know that Jean didn't know I heard her. I don't believe she would have hurt my feelings intentionally. But they were hurt.
*All names changed.
So sorry you had to overhear that comment.I would have reacted the same way. Hang in there and remember You are a beautiful person, You will get back on track, don't stop posting if it helps you we all go through rough times and sharing your story I am sure helps others(I know it helps me) Take care of yourself and everything else will fall into place.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the encouragement!!! I really appreciate it. Hope that things are going well for you.
DeleteChurch is great.. except for the people there lol. The behavior of the people, at the church I used to go to, was the reason I quit going. I was so tense when I was there... and this was not related to my weight in anyway. sad huh?
ReplyDeleteLisa - so sorry to hear that you stopped going to that church. Hope you've found one that you feel comfortable with.
DeleteI have to remind myself of several things: not everyone at church is a christian, christians aren't perfect, and the most important thing is my relationship with God, not "church".
When I lost weight and started regaining, I stayed away from my church for this very reason - I didn't want them noticing gained it back and I certainly didn't want them talking about it. I didn't judge them for thinking that way because we all - everyone - notice such things. A was worried about the shame I felt in having people discuss it. So avoidance was me trying to control what other people are allowed to see, feel, speak of. Do I really think I can control them? If I cannot handle the truth, I evade it by avoiding situations where people will see me and perhaps make a judgement on looks. Isn't that why I dress attractively and wear things that make me look thinner? It is all my attempt to control what other people think.
ReplyDeleteShe should never have made such a comment to another person, even if it was meant with love and care for you. That was not the place.
Thanks Jane - very insightful. I appreciate your comment. I honestly didn't think about it this way. You're exactly right - I can't control what other people see, feel or say. It was unkind of her to discuss me in this way in that setting, but ultimately my feelings were hurt because of the shame I feel.
DeleteWe do it to ourselves. You have to forgive yourself and love yourself and go on because you are so much more than any negatives you can name.
ReplyDelete