Wednesday, August 3, 2011

peanut butter

I succumbed to the peanut butter monster.  I've been craving stuff off and on for days.  Peanut butter. Pizza. And more.  This afternoon, I ate 2 peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwiches on white bread.  I don't even really like white bread.  I've eaten wheat bread for years.  We typically don't even have white bread in the house. For some reason, the lure of white bread and peanut butter together was very strong.

I feel guilty, but I also feel a bit relieved.  I know that probably sounds crazy.  It's sort of like, ok.  I've felt this coming for weeks.  I finally gave in.  I can move on now.  Should this tell me that I should include peanut butter in my healthy eating plan so I don't create the "forbidden fruit" that eventually causes a binge?  I'm not sure.

Not to rationalize or justify what I did, but it could have been much worse.  Two peanut butter sandwiches is nothing compared to what I've binged on in the past.  However, it's the behavior that isn't healthy.  It wasn't about hunger.  It was about cravings, and I suppose stress.  It's the sneakiness about it.  I'm mortified to admit this, but in the interest of being honest with myself I will.  As I had almost completed making the sandwiches, I heard my daughter walking down the steps.  I quickly grabbed the sandwiches and  went to the bathroom and locked the door.  I ate them in the bathroom so my daughter wouldn't see the binge.  This is one of the sad and embarrassing aspects of binge eating disorder.

I'm not proud of this, but I'm going to put it behind me and move on.

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