Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Why can't I be normal?

I'm home alone and just binged.  Why can I eat healthy without any problem many days, but then have such a difficult time other days?  I'm so ashamed and embarrassed and disgusted with myself.  Not to mention that I feel nauseous and sick.  Eating disorder or not, I CHOSE to do this.  In the interest of being honest with myself, this is what I ate.  Two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a small bowl full of chex mix, two pieces of toast with real butter and jelly, and a salad with real cheese, croutons and bacon bits.  Kind of weird.  Were these foods even "worth it"?  No.  I came very close to driving to the grocery store for ice cream and chips and dip.  I didn't, though.  Perhaps I should be proud of that?

It seems as if peanut butter shouldn't be in my house.  It seems so ridiculous to ask my family to not keep something so simple and basic in the house, though.  I don't feel guilty not having cookies, candy, ice cream, etc. in the house.  No one needs that junk, anyway.  But peanut butter?

I had options.  I could have not stayed home alone.  I could have sent a text/called my son or my husband.  But I didn't.  Why?  I guess because the desire to eat what I wanted to eat was more than the desire to not binge.

I've been thinking about the "diet" and binge cycle.  Is restricting myself from certain foods making the desire to binge worse?  Should I "allow" myself the foods I crave (on occasion, in small amounts) so I don't end up bingeing on them at some point?  I really don't think that's the answer.  I don't think that moderation is an option for me.

I wish that there could be a step by step process that I could put into place that would result in no binges. Something I could do when the desire to binge becomes a struggle.  I need to work on that.

1 comment:

  1. Peanut butter has become a problem for me and my husband lately but my son has his own eating issues and peanut butter is one of the few things he eats. I never use to even like peanut butter much. So that's why I'm trying the peanut flour. Anyway, I know how you feel when it comes to eating out of control at times. Guess that's why I'm doing the whole "ask myself am I hungry" thing. Even if I decide to eat when I'm not I will be aware of it and maybe at least sometimes I will talk myself off the ledge. It's all a process so don't kick yourself to badly just get back on the wagon :) Here's to a better "next choice".