Saturday, February 18, 2012

eating disorder and sugar addiction

Yesterday didn't go well - I binged on sugar.  It's over now, and I'm moving on.  I asked my husband to go grocery shopping with me this morning so I wouldn't buy junk that I shouldn't.  Taking such an action, which is likely logical and simple to others, is a foreign concept to me.  I don't like asking for help.  I don't like facing the reality of sugar addiction.  Even if I comprehend that sugar addiction is real, I feel like others don't.

I had a long talk with my husband this morning, and it helped tremendously.  While he can't relate to food issues, he's watched me struggle long enough that he understands more than I thought he did.

I've known for many years that I have binge eating disorder.  I diagnosed it myself before I was ever "officially" diagnosed.  For the most part, I fit the textbook definition.  However, over the years I've always thought that there was some elusive aspect of my struggles that didn't make sense.  Yes, I could somewhat understand that an eating disorder isn't about the food.  "It's not about what you're eating, it's about what's eating you"  makes sense to me.  But only to a certain point.  I've always felt that there was something different about me.  When I'd read about BED and someone's trigger foods, I didn't understand why their list was so much shorter than mine.  Perhaps their trigger foods were 3-5 items.  If I were to list my trigger foods, the pages would likely rival the number of pages in War and Peace!!

In this way, it was about the food.  I love food.  Especially sweets, breads, and cheese.  I could never quite understand how, if an eating disorder wasn't about food, why I would binge at times where there were seemingly none of the "normal" triggers.  I wasn't sad, bored, lonely, anxious, etc.  Then I concluded that I was probably just severely in denial.

Now that I'm finally comprehending that sugar addiction is real, and not a figment of my imagination, I feel that I can move forward!!  It's not my fault!   My brain chemistry may be a bit kooky, but that doesn't make me a bad person.  I am not weak.  I am not severely lacking in will power.  My ability to say no to sugar is simply broken.  There are ways to overcome this brokenness, and I intend to find them.

1 comment:

  1. You have lost so much weight I wonder if you are having trouble with a distortion of your self-image? Subconsciously I wonder if it feels "safer" being at the higher weights? Have you ever considered Overeaters Anonymous? Jane Cartelli at Keeping the Pounds Off has been very successful with it. I see from your blog roll that you follow her. She is a very compassionate person who would be more than pleased if you asked her for help. Take care and hang in there.