Yesterday didn't go well - I binged on sugar. It's over now, and I'm moving on. I asked my husband to go grocery shopping with me this morning so I wouldn't buy junk that I shouldn't. Taking such an action, which is likely logical and simple to others, is a foreign concept to me. I don't like asking for help. I don't like facing the reality of sugar addiction. Even if I comprehend that sugar addiction is real, I feel like others don't.
I had a long talk with my husband this morning, and it helped tremendously. While he can't relate to food issues, he's watched me struggle long enough that he understands more than I thought he did.
I've known for many years that I have binge eating disorder. I diagnosed it myself before I was ever "officially" diagnosed. For the most part, I fit the textbook definition. However, over the years I've always thought that there was some elusive aspect of my struggles that didn't make sense. Yes, I could somewhat understand that an eating disorder isn't about the food. "It's not about what you're eating, it's about what's eating you" makes sense to me. But only to a certain point. I've always felt that there was something different about me. When I'd read about BED and someone's trigger foods, I didn't understand why their list was so much shorter than mine. Perhaps their trigger foods were 3-5 items. If I were to list my trigger foods, the pages would likely rival the number of pages in War and Peace!!
In this way, it was about the food. I love food. Especially sweets, breads, and cheese. I could never quite understand how, if an eating disorder wasn't about food, why I would binge at times where there were seemingly none of the "normal" triggers. I wasn't sad, bored, lonely, anxious, etc. Then I concluded that I was probably just severely in denial.
Now that I'm finally comprehending that sugar addiction is real, and not a figment of my imagination, I feel that I can move forward!! It's not my fault! My brain chemistry may be a bit kooky, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I am not weak. I am not severely lacking in will power. My ability to say no to sugar is simply broken. There are ways to overcome this brokenness, and I intend to find them.
You have lost so much weight I wonder if you are having trouble with a distortion of your self-image? Subconsciously I wonder if it feels "safer" being at the higher weights? Have you ever considered Overeaters Anonymous? Jane Cartelli at Keeping the Pounds Off has been very successful with it. I see from your blog roll that you follow her. She is a very compassionate person who would be more than pleased if you asked her for help. Take care and hang in there.
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