It is so hard to describe how difficult it can be to live with an eating disorder. If I try, I worry that I will sound crazy. Unless you've "been there", I feel that it is probably impossible to understand.
Since 1/8/11, I've done really well. I've only binged twice. Since eating a vegan/low-fat/high-fiber/low to no sugar diet, my cravings for sugar have diminished to the point of being almost non-existant. I am so grateful for this.
The last day or two, I have been craving Reese peanut butter eggs. You know the ones. The glorious, delightful, sinfully delicious candy that it is in every grocery store at Easter. This year, they have been in the stores earlier which has been a bit difficult. Of course there is now the Valentine version, the Christmas version.....ugh.
Since I'm making an effort to be mindful of the reason behind my cravings, I began analyzing this. Have I eaten more sugar than normal? No. Other than fruit I'm not eating sugar. Am I anxious? Not particularly - in fact today I'm less anxious than I was for a few days last week. Is it hormonal? No.
There is such a large part of me that misses binging. I know that sounds irrational, but it's true. Even though there are multiple tools that I can use to avoid binging, it is so very easy to ignore those tools and binge anyway. Then the other disordered thinking begins. "If I'm going to binge, what else have I been avoiding that I might as well eat?" Next, the discouragement. "I'll never be able to do this, so why bother trying."
Yes, this stinks. However - with the help of God who is my strength, I did not binge! I did not stop at the store and buy Reese eggs and various other forms of sugar and fat. It is not worth it. The few minutes of pleasure are not worth the guilt and the cravings that will result for probably days after the binge.