disgusted

I did it.  I binged.  After several days of craving Reese peanut butter eggs, I succumbed.  I'm so disappointed in myself.  I ate 4 Reese peanut butter eggs and 2 large bagels with cream cheese.  If I try to look at the good side of things, then I can at least say that this is far less food than I would have eaten during a binge in the past.  In fact, I even threw several other bagels and the cream cheese away.

What did I learn?  I learned that even though there are things I can do to avoid a binge, I still must make the choice to use these tools.  I could have called someone, but I didn't.  I chose to go to the store, buy the food, and eat it.  My desire to stuff my face was stronger than my desire to stop myself.

The emotions that one experiences during this are many.  It is hard to describe.  Though I have had stronger urges than this one, it is almost an overwhelming desire that increases steadily.  When I was in the car after my trip to the store, as I was opening the Reese eggs I noticed that I was actually shaking in anticipation.  Then after the first couple of bites there is a feeling of calm release and relief.  I've often wondered if this is how a drug addict feels.

After having so little sugar, the candy was so very sweet.  Unfortunately, it was still appealing enough to eat all of the eggs that I had purchased.  After I ate all of this, I immediately felt sick.  This is progress of sorts, there was a time that I could eat outrageous amounts of food before feeling ill.

I will put this even behind me, learn from it, and get back "in the saddle".