Saturday, May 7, 2011

true confessions

I binged today.  There.  I said it.  I started this blog as sort of a journal, hoping that it would help me overcome compulsive overeating.  My hope is that writing my thoughts, journaling my progress, and being able to look back at all of this will be therapeutic.  So....I must be honest about my failures and successes.

Over the years, I've done quite a bit of reading about binge eating disorder and compulsive overeating.  While it is a disorder that is multifaceted, one of the main components that most would agree on is that binge eating is very much related to emotions.  I've seen is summed up several times in the sentence "It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you."

I have some mild issues with anxiety and depression, so there is a part of me that completely believes that compulsive overeating is largely driven by emotion.  There is also a large part of me (no pun intended) that is either still in denial, disagrees somewhat, or perhaps feels that I'm the exception to the rule.

The thoughts that come to mind when debating that this eating disorder is all about feelings and emotions are something like this:  "I just really love food and can't control myself."  "I'm addicted to sugar."  "I have an addictive personality."  "It's hormone related."
"Being overweight is in my genes."

I suppose that the reason that it is so difficult to overcome binge eating disorder is that it is so complex.
Back to emotions, though.  Am I fooling myself to think that emotions don't have much, if anything, to do with my tendency to binge?

This morning, I visited my grandmother.  She is currently in a rehab facility after breaking her hip.  Right before I left, she said something that really made me sad.   When I left the facility, I considered stopping by a nearby grocery store for "binge foods".  I thought about texting or calling someone to help prevent this.  Honestly, I didn't want to.  I decided against stopping.  After I'd already passed the grocery store, I took another exit to go back.

I purchased corn chips, a 12 oz. container of french onion dip, a piece of Reese cup pie, and 2 slices of key lime pie.  Oh - and don't forget the Diet Dr. Pepper.  Oh, the irony.  While I was shopping, I was hoping that I wouldn't see anyone that I knew, especially anyone that knows that I'm trying to eat healthy.  As I was standing in line, I considered  putting it all back.  Or I could buy it then throw it away.  Who am I kidding?

That junk was $9.  If I'm going to waste $9 on something harmful to me, why not spend it on something good instead?!  I'm a bargain shopper - I could probably have bought a new shirt.  Or some costume jewelry.  Perhaps a new shade of nail polish.  I could have donated an additional $9 to the Children's Miracle Network instead of the measly $2 that I donated when the check out clerk at Wal-Mart asked about it a few days ago.  I could have spent $9 more on my mom's Mother's Day gift.  The list is endless.

Of course, I couldn't go home and binge since my daughter was there.  I parked my car in a remote corner of the grocery store parking lot and ate.  How pathetic is that?  I ate almost all of the dip, a good portion of the corn chips, and 2 pieces of pie.  Since I'm being honest, I will say that I enjoyed it for a while.  The dip was good, and the pie was heavenly.  Of course, as I began to get full and feel sick I continued to eat.

Oddly enough, I didn't immediately feel quite the amount of guilt and anxiety that I expected.  In a weird way that kind of worries me.  Perhaps the sugar high is too blame? I did almost immediately feel the irrational, overwhelming urge to weight myself to see what damage I'd done.  After all, I probably ate at least 1200 calories worth of food in one sitting.  Ugh.

I suppose I should be sort of proud of myself for throwing away what was left of the corn chips and the piece of pie that I didn't eat.  There's balance between taking responsibility for what I've done, ending it now and moving on, and being so harsh on myself that I figure "why bother?" and allow this binge to lead into another, and know the story.

So all of this rambling is an attempt to figure out what caused this binge.  Was it the discussion with my grandmother? Was it the anger I felt toward someone last night?  Was it the instance where a loved one unintentionally hurt my feelings a few days ago?  Is it because depriving myself of foods I enjoy ultimately leads to a binge?  Was it hormones?

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