I was running a few errands yesterday, and I started craving junk food. It was close to dinner, and I began thinking about Cheetos. I don't know how that thought process began, but I wanted Cheetos. The airy, puffy kind. Oh, how they melt in your mouth. Then I began thinking about chocolate. Then ice cream. I stuck a piece of strongly flavored peppermint gum in my mouth, and that actually worked for a while.
My mistake was stopping at a drugstore. I didn't really need to stop there; I could have waited until another day when I wasn't experiencing cravings. Of course, a drugstore doesn't have a large selection of food. However, when craving junk food there's plenty that can be purchased. I found the few things that I needed, then battled with myself. The same old thought processes. "Why can't I eat junk food occasionally like everyone else?" "I've lost a lot of weight, one small binge won't hurt." Of course, I know better, but the call of the fat and sugar in junk food can be strong.
I started toward the check out line, then went back to the food. I put a small back of Cheetos, a package of cookies, and three Snickers bars in the shopping cart. After all, the Snickers bars were buy 2 get 1 free and they were the new peanut butter kind that I haven't tried. Then I added a Diet Dr. Pepper. How ironic. I started rationalizing that I probably couldn't eat all of this junk, so the binge wouldn't be as bad as prior incidents. I rationalized that at least I didn't decide on the super size bag of Cheetos, I didn't include the Pop-tarts, ice cream, and Reese Cups that were so tantalizing.
I almost made it to the check out line when I turned around and put the stuff bag on the shelf. I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't even put the items back in their proper places. I just stuck all of it on the same shelf in the candy aisle. How pathetic. I knew that if I didn't immediately get that stuff out of my sight, I would purchase it and eat until I felt sick.
While waiting in line, I texted my son. "Having trouble. Craving junk food." A bit later he texted me back and told me to go home and immediately begin exercising to combat the cravings. I wasn't in a position to do so because I had to pick my daughter and her friend up from roller skating. We texted back and forth for a while, and he both encouraged me and gave me some tough love.
I wish so much that there could be something else that could take the place of this addiction to food. Something else that would give me the same feelings that I have while eating junk. It would also be nice if somehow I could fully remember the awful feelings after the binge. The too-full, why-did-I-do-this-again, guilty, shameful feelings.
This will probably always be a struggle for me. I will overcome, though.