Monday, January 10, 2011

Back in the saddle

Today was tough.  I'm ashamed and disgusted to admit that I succumbed to the call of sugar and junk food.  What's even worse,  I was given obvious opportunities to avoid the binge, but I did it anyway.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why, when I know how horrible this is for my body and health, do I continue to do this?

As I was rationalizing the upcoming binge that I was planning, there were so many feelings flooding me.  Self loathing, helplessness, disgust, self defeat, etc.  You know the cycle.  The "I'm always going to be this way so why bother even trying to change" attitude.

I didn't have to work today.  I ate a healthy breakfast of oatmeal and raisins, and it was filling.  I picked my daughter up at school around 9:45 a.m. for a 10:00 a.m. orthodontist appointment.  We were there until about 11:30 a.m. (she was having her bottom braces put on).  My daughter absolutely loves ice cream.  I had a coupon for a free small cup of ice cream at Cold Stone, so I thought that would be a perfect treat for her after the orthodontist.  I didn't plan to buy anything for myself, and it really wasn't bothering me.

When we got to Cold Stone, they were closed.  Since I had to go to CVS to pick up a prescription, I told my daughter that I would get her some ice cream there.  By this time, I was getting hungry.  I planned to eat soup and fruit at home for lunch.  I began thinking about all of the different types of chocolate that I could purchase while I was at CVS, especially once my daughter told me that she didn't want to go in.  I tried to put the thoughts out of my head, but I wasn't successful.  Reduced Christmas candy, Valentine candy, ice cream.  Thoughts of sugar danced in my head.

When we got to CVS, my daughter decided to go in with me.  Perfect excuse to avoid buying binge food!!!  After all, since my family knows of my desire to reform my eating habits.  I wouldn't buy chocolate while she was with me.  I must admit that I was initially disappointed.

Did this deter me?  No, of course not.  I also wanted to go to the library, but we needed to go home first. I asked my daughter if she wanted to go back out with me to the library, and she said no.  I immediately began thinking of stopping at the grocery store when I went out to the library since I would be alone.  I had the opportunity to avoid the grocery store.  I didn't have to go to the library today.  I could have asked my daughter to go with me.  My son was at home when we went there before the library.  Since he is a huge proponent of my efforts, I could easily have told him that I was having a hard day.  But I didn't.

I went to the grocery store as soon as I left home.  As I began perusing the aisles, my son texted me.  "How is the diet going".  Perfect chance to explain my difficulties and leave the store without buying anything.  Did I do that?  No.  I purchased a piece of Reese cup pie, a bag of Reese cups, oreos, ice cream sandwiches, and cheese puffs.

The bad news is, I at the piece of pie, probably 10 oreos and about 5 ice cream sandwiches before I got home.  The good news is, I threw the entire bag of Reese cups and most of the oreos away.  I suppose I should congratulate myself for even small victories.  I'm sad to report I ate almost the entire bag of cheese puffs later in the day.

Why is this so hard?  Why do I let myself treat my body this way?  During this journey, I hope to learn more about myself.

For now, back in the saddle again.  No need to let this mistake carry over into another meal or another day.  I'm fixing vegetable lasagna and fruit for dinner.

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