The first two days of my vacation have been really nice. I've spent time with my mom, spent time with a friend, got some new makeup, and I've done some things around the house that I've been neglecting. Food and exercise started out ok, but quickly went downhill.
If I'm being completely honest with myself, while a part of me was planning lots of non-food related things to do and purchasing healthy foods to make sure that they were readily available, etc. another part of me was planning a "binge day". I know that makes no sense whatsoever. During the past month or so when I've struggled with junk food, you would think that I would have learned that this no longer holds the appeal that it used to. After the first few bites, the foods don't really taste good. I don't get that "high" any more. The after effects are not good.
Once the binge day idea entered my head, the thoughts became incessant. Rather than waiting until Friday to eat my favorite foods as I had originally planned (rationalizing that it wouldn't do too much damage since I would eat healthy the rest of the week), why not start on Monday? I made a special trip to the store to purchase some things. I did throw away some of what I purchased, but still continued with unhealthy choices today.
I know this might be hard to believe, but I am learning from these "episodes". I'm learning that I don't feel good after I eat junk. I'm learning that I actually prefer healthy foods over processed foods. While the first few bites may taste good, after that it isn't very appealing to continue. The act of bingeing isn't pleasurable. Now - how can I get my brain to remember all of this when the call of sugar and fat begins?
If you are planning ahead to binge and making trips to the store to get your binge foods, it's hard to think you have learned from past mistakes. You want to binge it seems. I don't think you are being completely honest with yourself at all. You are learning how to convince yourself that a binge is part of your life. I know this sounds critical and insensitive but I don't know how to put it any other way. It is serving some purpose or you would be more proactive about your weight loss and not planning ahead to binge. A binge is bad enough when it happens out of the blue but planning one is a serious behavior that needs addressed. I hope you can find the answers you need to overcome this.
ReplyDeleteI felt like I needed to follow up a bit from the above. You have lost an incredible about of weight and I want to congratulate you on that. I used to have trouble with binge-eating as well. Keep fighting.
ReplyDeleteYou're not being critical and insensitive - you're being forthcoming and showing some tough love that I probably need. There is a part of me that does want to binge. I admitted that to myself a long time ago. That desire sometimes outweighs (no pun intended) the part that knows that this is a unhealthy, unproductive behavior with negative consequences.
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