OA

I forgot to mention in my previous post that I'm considering trying a local Overeaters Anonymous meeting.  I took the initiative to call the contact person listed on the OA web site to confirm meeting details.  (This was a HUGE step for me).

I'm still not sure if I will go, but I need to do something about this current downward spiral.

living life to the fullest

Our church is having a picnic at a local park Sunday afternoon.  For several reasons, I really don't want to go.  First, I'm not a very social person.  I'm a homebody.  Second, we've only been attending this church a few months so I don't know anyone very well yet.  For an extrovert, this would be a perfect opportunity to make friends, for an introvert a situation like this can be difficult.  Next, there's the food issue.  What do I eat, what do I not eat etc. etc. etc.

Last, but not least, I know it sounds silly but there's the "what to wear" conundrum.  My self esteem is currently rather low because I've gained some weight.  My clothes don't fit well.  It will probably be rather warm this weekend, so something cool and comfortable would be in order.  I haven't worn shorts in years and that's not an option.  It would look silly to wear jeans or pants, and I would be uncomfortable.  I considered purchasing a maxi dress, but short heavy girls don't look good in maxi dresses.  The only other option I could think of was capri pants.  I don't think capri pants look good on short, heavy girls either.  However, I suppose it's better to wear not-so-flattering capri pants then to be terribly hot and look silly wearing jeans or slacks.

Yes, I realize to many people it may seem like I'm making far too big a deal of this.  Even if I didn't have the weight issues, due to anxiety and depression issues social situations are hard for me.  Add weight issues/insecurities and it's just easier to withdraw and stay at home.  My daughter will probably want to go, and I don't have the heart to tell her no because of my issues.

All of this reminded me of a similar situation about 15 years ago.  My husband was new at the company that he was working for, and they were having a regional meeting at a park about an hour away from us.  We were expected to attend, so I had little choice in the matter. I was overweight then, too.  I was probably about the same weight that I am now, but I hadn't been overweight for very long at that point.  I had the exact same issues when facing that event as I'm having now.  Social anxiety, food stress, new situation stress, and what-does-a-fat-girl-wear-to-a-sweltering-hot-picnic issues.  I remember settling on a knee length knit skirt  and knit top.  I didn't really love the choice, but it worked out ok.

This long post is to express that I'm sad that I haven't made progress in this area.  Yes, I'm unhappy with my weight.  However, I shouldn't stop living because of it.

happiness

As I drove past a local bakery today, I noticed that their sign said "We sell happiness".  Hmmm.  My initial reaction to this was one of disgust.  Of course that was largely based on my life long struggle with sugar.  Then I pondered this some more.

First, there's the fact that sugar does cause "happiness".  It increases the feel good chemicals in your brain to cause a temporary high.  Then I thought about the large number of happy events that involve treats from the bakery.  Birthdays, baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, Mother's Day, Father's Day......the list is endless.

This train of thought led to the southern (or perhaps even other areas of the country?) tradition of taking food to a family when there is a death.  Of course there is a practical reason for this; we don't want the family of the deceased to have to worry about the necessary tasks of life like cooking while they are in the midst of grieving.  On the other hand, this is the perfect example of comfort food.  Literally.  What do we take to grieving families?  Casseroles.  Pies.  Cakes.  Fried chicken.  Macaroni & cheese.  Does anyone take veggies?  Fruit?  Grilled chicken, perhaps.  Not really.

Does food bring happiness?  Yes.  Should it?  There's nothing wrong with enjoying food.  The problem begins when you're expecting food to do things that people should do rather than simply provide nourishment.  Like providing happiness and love.  Or perhaps expecting it to provide comfort and peace when God or a loved one should do that.

What are your thoughts?  Am I overanalyzing?

out of control

I can't seem to get back on track.  I'm disgusted with myself, and hate even writing this.  It seems so pathetic.  But it's the truth.  I've been eating horribly and exercise has been non-existant.  I know that I've probably gained a large amount of weight, as I tend to do when I'm bingeing every day.  The desire to eat sugar and carbs, for some insane reason, is defeating the desire I have to be healthy.

There is a part of me that just wants to give up.  This part of me says "Why bother?  You know you always go back to the sugar again."  However, there is a part of me that knows that I can't give up.  If I completely give up, I will quickly gain the weight that I've lost plus more.

Why is this so hard?

Time to get serious

The past 6 months have been a wash when it comes to weight loss.  I've been the proverbial yo-yo dieter. Up and down, up and down.  The result being that I weigh about the same as I did 6 months ago.  While this is definitely a journey with no end, and it is made up of daily choices that should culminate in a healthy lifestyle, there is still an end when it comes to weight loss.  I need to get serious about this.

The past few days have included sugar.  Not huge binge amounts, but enough.  I will not accomplish my weight loss goals or my long term overall healthy lifestyle goals by doing this.  It's time to wake up and get back on track!!!!

Greek yogurt

I finally got around to giving greek yogurt another try.  For breakfast this morning, I mixed blueberries, greek yogurt, Splenda and almonds together.  It was really good!  I was pleasantly surprised.  I think it will be filling enough to hold me until lunch.

On another note, we're having a party at work on Tuesday for one of my co-worker's birthdays.  She is usually the party planner; since it's her party I volunteered to coordinate this time.  Not only is she the planner, she usually brings dessert, and she bakes really well.  I work very closely with her, and I want her day to be special, so I really wanted to have something home made for her.  No one else volunteered to bring the dessert, so I will be making cupcakes.  Dangerous, huh?

Fortunately, my daughter loves to bake so she will be helping me.  This will give me accountability so I won't be tempted to sample the finished product or lick the frosting off the knife.  She can do that :)  The other foods at the party will be safe.  We're getting party trays from a local deli that include sandwiches, fruit, and a cheese tray.  One of the sandwiches included is turkey on wheat.  I do need to be careful with the cheese, though.  That can quickly become a problem food.  My co-workers will hold me accountable.

Also - I went grocery shopping by myself Friday after work, and I didn't purchase junk!!!!!  Victory!!!!

my 2nd 5k

I walked in my second 5K this morning!!!!  It was great.  I mentioned previously that my sister and I were walking twice a week together while my nieces were participating in Girls on the Run.  I'd never heard of this organization before.  It is extremely worthwhile.  Joining in with the girls over the past several months as they learn not only about good physical health but good mental and emotional health has been wonderful.

The 5K was held on a college campus and it was beautiful.  It was nice to have a scenic route.  It wasn't too tough; there were several hills but I did ok.  The last hill was a bit rough, but I kept pushing.  After all, most of the girls were running the 5K, so I certainly had no reason to complain about walking!

My time was 52 minutes.  I guess that's not too bad.  My first 5K was 54 minutes, so I improved a bit.  My sister and I plan to continue our routine of walking together twice a week even though Girls on the Run has ended for the season.  We found that it was great to have the time together.

Have you ever walked/ran a 5K?

facing the music

I have definitely been avoiding the scales.  I try to weigh myself about once a month, but after succumbing to the inner sugar demon I didn't want to face the damage I'd done.  However, I know that part of this journey involves the scale.  So I did it.  I'm up 9 pounds.  While that is pretty bad, it's honestly not as bad as I'd thought it would be.

There will be no dwelling on this, no self pity, no "I can't do this".  The number reflects what I've eaten during the last month or so.  It doesn't indicate that I'm a bad person, it indicates that I made poor choices.

Moving on.

not a perfect journey

I have to continually remind myself that this is a journey.  There is no real end.  This can be difficult, because I view it as having somewhat of an end because I do want to reach a normal weight and stay there.  However, overall, this is a journey.  One meal at a time.

Last week someone stopped me at work and commented on my weight loss.  She mentioned that she was really struggling, and that her doctor gave her some advice and told her that it was simple.  I told her to find another doctor :)  I suppose in some ways it is simple.  But it's not easy.  If it were, millions of people wouldn't be overweight, and the diet industry wouldn't be raking in the dough.

Later that week, I mentioned to my sister that I feel like such a fraud when someone admires my weight loss.  I'm not where I need to be physically, mentally or emotionally.  In many ways I don't feel that I should be admired or that I should give advice on the subject.  My sister looked at me and said  "so do you think you have to be perfect to help someone?"  Hmmmm.  That made me think.

No, I don't have to be perfect to offer advice, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen.  This is a journey and it is not perfect.  There will be hills and valleys.  The important thing is to be determined not to get stuck in a valley, but to move on.

weakness or strength?

Today was my first day without sugar for quite a while.  I've experienced the expected cravings, which resulted in a meltdown this afternoon.

I left my debit card, credit card and cash at home.  Even further, I asked my son to hide them so I wouldn't even know where they are.  No money = no sugar.  However, I needed to go by the drugstore today to pick up a prescription for my son.  He knows that I've been bingeing on junk food again, so last night he offered to go to the store with me.

As I was driving home from work, and having terrible cravings for all kinds of sugary carbs I began wondering if my son would follow through with going with me to the store.  I began to think about what I would buy if he didn't go with me.  Then I called him, and asked him if he would be ready to go when I got home.  He asked if I would be ok going by myself.  I almost lied, but I couldn't.  I told him that I really didn't think I would be ok by myself.

After I hung up, all I could do was sob.  How pathetic is it that I, a grown woman of 38, mother of two, can't be trusted to have money or go to a store alone without buying foods that I know are poisonous to me.  How sad is it that I have to rely on my child (though he is 20 years old) to hide my money and to babysit me at the store.

As I was wallowing in self pity, depression, and who knows what else, I decided to call my husband.  I have trouble reaching out when I'm struggling, but I did it.  As I explained my loser status to him, he corrected me.  He feels that I overcame today, and that my choices were an example of victory.  I didn't lie to my son.  I chose to seek help on a shopping trip that I knew would very likely end with the purchase of junk.

Perhaps asking for help is indicative of strength not weakness.

5K

My sister and I walked a 5K yesterday.  It was the first time I'd done anything like that, and it was fun!  The weather was perfect and the route was only slightly challenging.  Since I've severely slacked in the exercise and healthy eating department recently, I felt less prepared than I wanted to be.   I was still able to keep a good pace, though.

Eating was a bit better today, but I'm still not really back on track.  I'm not giving up.  I need to move out of the all or nothing thinking.  I need to realize that there isn't an end to this.  This is a journey.  Yes, there is sort of an end when I reach an acceptable weight, but the journey doesn't end there.  The journey involves many, many choices.  Each time I pick up food or a beverage, choose whether to exercise or do something sedentary, take vitamins or not......all of these actions are choices in my journey to be a healthy person.

same old same old

I've fallen back in to the same old traps and bad habits.  I cringe as I write this post.  It's embarrassing.  I know better.  I know that I can't do the same things I've always done and expect different results.  I can't seem to find the motivation or the determination to get back on track.

This is where I am right now:

It's the all or nothing thing all over again.  I'm back to eating junk, very little exercise, I'm not wearing my pedometer or entering information in my log for the fit challenge at work, I'm not even taking my usual vitamins - what's that all about?

Back to the "I'll start over tomorrow" mentality for the one millionth time.  It's pathetic.  Apparently the sugar and fat are currently more important to me than making healthy choices.  I wouldn't be doing this if there weren't some sort of reward - right?

There is a part of me that wants to give up.  Why bother when I know I always end up back at the same place?  But......I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet.  I'm discouraged, but not defeated.

Enough rambling.  Just wanted to document where I am right now......this will allow me to see how far I've come once I get over the hurdle.

Sick

Sick
by Shel Silverstein
"I cannot go to school today," Said little Peggy Ann McKay. "I have the measles and the mumps, A gash, a rash and purple bumps. My mouth is wet, my throat is dry, I'm going blind in my right eye. My tonsils are as big as rocks, I've counted sixteen chicken pox And there's one more--that's seventeen, And don't you think my face looks green? My leg is cut--my eyes are blue-- It might be instamatic flu. I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke, I'm sure that my left leg is broke-- My hip hurts when I move my chin, My belly button's caving in, My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained, My 'pendix pains each time it rains. My nose is cold, my toes are numb. I have a sliver in my thumb. My neck is stiff, my voice is weak, I hardly whisper when I speak. My tongue is filling up my mouth, I think my hair is falling out. My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight, My temperature is one-o-eight. My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear, There is a hole inside my ear. I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what? What's that? What's that you say? You say today is. . .Saturday? G'bye, I'm going out to play!" I've always loved this poem. I've heard it performed as a monologue by a very talented young lady, which caused me to love it even more. Enough of that, though. Saturday  I had a stomach virus.  Don't worry - there will be no details given here. It was  unpleasant, but definitely could have been worse.  I very seldom get sick. In fact  I can't remember the last time I did. Probably two years ago I think.   It was so frustrating to have things that I needed to do (grocery shopping, laundry, preparing for Easter, spending time with my hubby since he's only home on weekends)  and not being able to do a thing.   I was much better on Sunday, so I was able to go to Easter services at church,  and then to my sister's for dinner.  There, I made a mistake. After you've recovered  from a stomach bug, you can eat normally right away, correct?  Wrong.   I didn't overeat, but my appetite had returned so I ate dinner. Dinner included some special dishes that I don't normally eat like my sister's mac & cheese (which is the best in the entire world) and mashed potatoes.  Needless to say, I regretted eating something other than saltines or toast.   Anyway.......if anything good can come out of  a stomach virus, it will be this. I will take advantage of the opportunity to get my eating back on track.  My stomach can't currently handle a return to my normal  foods at this point, but I still need to make healthy choices. I know that I will be a bit off kilter this week because my routine will be disrupted.  My daughter is on spring break,and I'm on vacation. I will not use this as an excuse to become a sugar eating slug.

Bad choices equates to bad person?

A crime has been committed.  (Cue theme to Dragnet, Monk, Hillstreet Blues.....any cop/detective show will do)  Who is the perpetrator?  Me.  Who is the victim?  My body.  What is the motive?  To savor the taste of sugar and feel the (temporary) effects of a sugar high.  What is the punishment?  Weight gain, shame, disgust, guilt, a loss of control, a self imposed prison.

Yes, I've done it.  Once again I've succumbed to the allure of sugar.  Every day since Friday I've binged on sugar.  I know better.  I know the long term effects, the short term effects, the abuse that I'm imposing on my body and mind.  The list goes on and on.

Does this make me a bad person?  Does this make me stupid because I'm going down the same road yet again that I know leads to a horrible place?  I used to think so.  Sometimes I still do.  But feeling this way will only allow me to wallow in self pity and stay this course rather than going back to what I know to be best.  Healthy eating, no sugar, no whites, exercise.  

On a more positive note, I've signed up for my first 5k!!!!!  I'm so excited.  It is a walk/run, and I will be walking.  My sister plans to sign up as well, and the registration fee is given to the American Cancer Society.  My plan is to make this the first of many.  I hope that this will be a step in the right direction to help motivate me to continue with healthy habits rather than self destructive ones.

As my blog title implies, this is a journey.  I still have quite a bit more weight to lose, but more importantly I still have quite a way to go emotionally.  Once I reach a healthy weight, I realize that the journey is not over.  This will be a life long journey that I will take one food choice at a time.  I'm not going to give up.

Breakfast foods?

I've been making an effort to eat more protein at breakfast.  (Specifically, at least 20 grams) This seems to be working well.  It's very filling and it seems to last awhile, not to mention it reduces cravings by stabilizing blood sugar.

I'm a creature of habit, so eating the same thing for breakfast every day for a while is fine with me.  Eventually, I get sick of that though.  I've been eating two veggie sausage patties on a whole grain bun and a carton of low carb yogurt.  This has about 28 grams of protein and 350 calories.

In searching for some other breakfast ideas, I've experimented with 0% fat greek yogurt.  It is a "super food" with a ton of protein and many health benefits.  I had never tried greet yogurt until very recently.  I don't hate it, but I can't say I really like it very much. I'm hoping to find a way to fix it that I like though; specifically for breakfast.  So far, the only variation I've really liked was a mexican veggie dip with greek yogurt, salsa and taco seasoning, and that isn't very appealing at breakfast!

I've tried mixing greek yogurt with chopped apples, cinnamon, and almonds.  I've also tried it with pineapple.  I don't really like the tart/sour taste of the yogurt.  Any ideas?  Also - any ideas for a protein rich breakfast that doesn't involve eggs?  (I hate eggs.  Yuck.)

making the choice to fight

After I posted this morning, I made the choice to fight.  I left my debit card, credit card, and cash at home when I left for work.  No money, no food.  I ate healthy at breakfast and lunch.  No sugar, no "whites", plenty of protein for fullness and steady blood sugar.  This afternoon/evening I will take care of all of the chores I need to do around the house, go for a long walk, and eat a healthy dinner.

I've always liked the quote "insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results."  Today, I choose to be sane (at least with eating!).

Am I really fighting?

Sometimes I think I'm trying to fool myself when I tell myself that I'm fighting cravings.  After I posted last night, I ate.  And ate.  And ate.  I didn't eat sugar, well other than one of my daughter's Fiber One bars, simply because there's none in the house.  However, I ate everything I could find with natural sugar.  Fruit Spread on bread (whole grain at least), raisins, a salad with mainly cheese (fat as a substitute perhaps?)

Yes, the amount of food was smaller than binges of the past.  Yes, I basically avoided sugar.  However, I was still using food for something other than fuel which is a dangerous slippery slope into the pit of food hell.  

If I'm completely honest with myself, there is a part of me that is considering buying sugary crap today.  The same sugary crap that I've been craving for the last few days.  I know it's not worth it.  I know that if I start it will lead to more and more sugar.  But the addiction monster lies to me and tells me "it will only be this once."  

white foods

I haven't had sugar since February 17, and my cravings have almost disappeared.  Until today.  Well - actually a few days ago was when they reappeared but today has been worse.  There are several specific foods I've been thinking about.  I've tried to quickly change my thought process rather than dwelling on food that I know will do harm.

I'm trying to figure out why today was worse.  I did have a small amount of white pasta at lunch today.  It was an organic frozen dinner, and I didn't read the ingredients carefully.  (I don't really like eating processed foods, but I do eat them at lunch more than I probably should.  It's a quick, calorie controlled way to eat at work.) Anyway, the meal had white pasta rather than whole wheat as I'd thought.  It was a small portion, but perhaps it was enough to bother me.

I tried quinoa for the first time tonight.  The recipe was simple; quinoa and white beans.  It was ok, but nothing special.  I think if I try it again I need to adjust the seasonings.  It was a bit bland.

Forgive my ignorance, but isn't quinoa a "brown" food rather than a "white"?  If so, I assume that the white pasta is the culprit.  I've examined the emotions that sometimes cause cravings, and none of those seem to be the problem.

It's amazing how such a small amount of a "white" food can make such a big difference!  Is this your experience?  Or does a small amount make an even bigger difference when your body isn't accustomed to it?

Peace in the Valley

Do you remember that old song?

"There'll be peace in the valley for me someday,
There'll be peace in the valley for me.
I pray no more sorrow and sadness or trouble will be,
There'll be peace in the valley for me."

Over the years, I've prayed for peace more times than I can count. Peace from an eating disorder/sugar addiction.  Peace from the constant tug of war of dysfunctional eating patterns and habits.  Peace and relief from yo-yo dieting.  Peace and happiness can't be found in food, in a bottle, through drugs, gambling, excessive shopping.....nothing material.  This peace can only be found in God.

For some reason this song came to mind today.  I don't even really like the song that much, so I'm not sure why.  I began thinking about peace.....the peace that I've had with food recently.  I long for this to remain, and I need to be constantly aware of the choices that effect this.  

Then I began wondering why the lyrics talk about peace in the valley.  After all.....valleys describe the low, difficult places in life.  Why isn't the song about peace on the mountain tops?  You know - those times when everything is smooth sailing?  The bills are paid, the kids are healthy, the job is secure?  Duh!!  What a silly question!  Of course we long for peace in the valley!  That's when we need it!  

Have you been able to find peace in your valley?  

busy week!

Wow!  This week has been very busy, but things are going well in the area of food and exercise.  I took Monday off because my daughter got her braces off.  After the appointment, I took her to her favorite place for lunch - Panera.  I love Panera too, and it is possible to make relatively healthy choices there.  (As long as you avoid the baked goods!!!!)  I chose the pick two, and got ham on whole wheat with lettuce tomato and spicy mustard along with a grilled chicken caesar salad with light ranch dressing.  Yum!

I've been a bit stressed about some issues with my son, but it hasn't caused me to stray from healthy eating. It can be so difficult to have an adult child at home!  He will be 20 at the end of this month.  He is such a great guy, and I'm proud of him.  He's working part time and taking classes at our local community college.  He plans to transfer to a physical therapy assistant program (hopefully) in fall of 2013.  College has been tough for him.  I've seen him mature quite a bit in the last year or so, though.  It is so difficult to balance allowing him to make his own choices and deal with the subsequent consequences, and assisting him when/if we think he needs some guidance.

On another subject, an area that I thought would be extremely difficult for me hasn't been so far and I hope it stays that way!  Easter candy.  Sigh.  The candy that is offered at Easter is probably the most tempting for me than any other holiday.  There are certain things that you can only find at Easter.  I won't even start naming them or else I will drool on the computer.  

My strategy is as follows:  if in a store that offers Easter candy, DON'T GO DOWN THE AISLE!!!! With the exception of a few things for my daughter and the Easter bunny that I buy for my sweet hubby every year, I don't need to buy Easter candy. Therefore, why torture myself by going down the aisle?  When I do purchase the items for my daughter and husband, if I think I need to I will ask my son to go with me for accountability.  If I'm certain that I'll be ok, I'll still wait until the last minute to buy the items so they're not in the house.  

Part 2 of operation avoid Easter candy is a continuation of my recent habit of leaving the bank card that I use for the majority of my purchases at home.  No random stops for chocolate. This has been helping, so I'll stick with this.

Part 3, and probably most important, is remembering the significance of Easter.  Easter is not about candy and bunnies.  Easter is about the fact that God sent his son here to this earth to die for my sins.  He was crucified, then was buried.  He arose, and is alive today!!!!  Makes candy seem rather insignificant, doesn't it?