I slid straight back into the pit. No, let's be honest. I jogged quickly back into the pit. The seventh binge of the month. I cringe inwardly and outwardly as I write about yet another day of compulsive eating. It seems so stupid! So counterproductive. Why keep making the same mistakes again and again but expect different results? Isn't that the definition of insanity?
By now, the Reese trees have turned into a Reese forest. I ate six more today. Followed by a chocolate shake, some onion rings, some cheddar cheese, and some peanut butter Oreos.
The day started out with a healthy breakfast. Then a friend brought beautiful cupcakes to work. I didn't eat one, but they looked and smelled so good. A bit later, the conversation at work somehow turned to fast food. Then someone ate chicken nuggets and french fries at their desk. I began to think about what I should buy after work. I didn't even really fight it. I just did it.
I noticed that after I ate the Reese trees (all six of them), I hit a point in the sugar high where I didn't really feel guilty yet. I felt good. I realize that the sugar intake makes me feel so good!!! I'm sure that this is part of the reason that I keep repeating these negative behaviors.....the reward of feeling really good. Is it worth it, though?
There were such a variety of thoughts swirling in my head throughout the day. "I've spent a fair amount of money on these 7 binges. I could have done something constructive with that." "I'm sure I've gained weight.....but overall I've still lost a huge amount of weight so it's ok. I'll get back on track."
I know that this is a very rambling, disorganized post. I just wanted to keep a record of what I ate, and what I thought and felt. Ultimately, my prayer is that this journal will be helpful to myself and others.