Thursday, December 15, 2011

thought process of a disordered eater

There was a possibility that I would have to spend about 7 hours driving on December 26; half of that by myself.  I must admit, when I first found out about this I began planning a binge.  It went something like this.  "If I can avoid sugar and binges through Christmas, then that day I will indulge.  I can stop by Walmart or Target and get Reese trees.  After all, they will be on sale!!! And maybe some of that caramel Hershey's Pot of Gold candy.  After that, maybe I'll get some pizza".

I found out last night that I probably won't have to make that trip, but I may have to spend about an hour driving this Sunday afternoon.  Again, I immediately thought about eating.  As my thoughts turned to food, I realized I was a tiny bit hungry.  Not much, mind you, just a little bit.  I'd eaten a healthy, filling dinner.  I'd exercised.  (There are a few pretty good workout options on Netflix instant, by the way)  Nevertheless, I convinced myself that I was hungry.

As I began to think about food, I wondered how my weight was.  I planned to weigh myself on Saturday.  I weighed myself last night, and I had lost weight since the last time I weighed in.  Somehow, I turned this into justification for overeating.

I started with a ham sandwich on whole wheat with lite mayo and cheese.  This wasn't a horrible choice. I should have stopped there.  This lead to cheese and crackers. Which lead to graham crackers. Then chex mix with peanuts. Then bread with butter and jelly.

I'm feeling the effects of all of the salt this morning.  I'm so thirsty.  My hands are a bit swollen.  Yuck.

Somewhere during the binge planning when I originally thought I'd be driving by myself for 3 1/2 hours, I began thinking about my future.  There will be a time, probably 4-8 years from now, that I won't have kids living at home.  What if my husband still has a job like he does now where he travels a lot?  With that much time alone, how will I maintain weight loss?  Should I even bother with this?  Yes, I should.  While the reality of this is that I will likely always struggle with food, I don't have to resign myself to eventual failure.

I'm eating a healthy breakfast this morning and moving on.


  1. That initial sandwich with ham, cheese and mayo was probably 300-400 calories on it's own. I love sandwiches.. I used to eat them all the time until I added up the calories. I replaced many of the items with lower caloric stuff. My bread is only 40 calories a slice and I use low fat mayo.. but my cheese salad sandwiches are still 250-300 calories. For that amount, I can have a steamfresh dinner with an extra portion of steamfresh peas, all for 280 calories.

    I know that is not the point of your post :) but I do understand. The only way I have been able to succeed is to create an environment for me to be successful. I don't have any bad food in the house and the kids eat the same foods I do. I am still learning, still changing and unfortunately still weak with food at my house. I do better when it is only me in the house. I read so many blogs where is the other adult in the house which causes most of the problems for the person trying to lose weight.

    You will succeed because you obviously want too and you will work it out :)

  2. I think the most important of this all is that YOU are aware and YOU are taking control.
    As soon as you have that: CONTROL -of your thoughts - it should be smoother.
    Also, don't reward yourself with food - get yourself something else :)

  3. I had to learn to be alone with myself, without food to sustain/comfort/entertain/console me, before I could begin the process of keeping the pounds off. Today I get a good deal of alone time and when I feel uncomfortable and think about something like a binge I turn to my support network and bag of non-food tricks. It takes time but it is well worth it.