anxiety and depression

Along with compulsive overeating, I also struggle with anxiety and depression.  What came first?  The eating disorder or the anxiety and depression?  I'm not sure.  I'm blessed that my struggles are relatively small in comparison to others that I know who deal with the same issues.  I'm able to keep things very well controlled with medication.

Once in a while, anxiety and/or depression rear their ugly heads.  I do find that when I'm having difficulty with one or both, my cravings often increase.  I'm having a bit of anxiety over a few things.  While I know that they are actually not worth being stressed about, I still do.  Then when the anxiety settles a bit, I tend to find myself on the flip side of that - a bit depressed.

Now that I recognize these, I've learned better coping skills than eating.  It can still be difficult though.  I often find that these feelings creep in around holidays.  The combination of spending time with family (not all of my family causes these feelings!) and having to deal with food that I don't normally have to is hard.

I'm a bit down today, so grocery shopping this morning wasn't easy.  I made it down the Easter candy aisle without too much of a struggle.  Then I noticed home made Easter eggs in the bakery section.  Huge, chocolate covered peanut butter goodness.  I made the unwise choice to hover over the table examining these.  Then I turned away and began to change my thought process.  Sure, I could buy one of those eggs.  I could eat it.  Though it looks delicious, it probably wouldn't taste as good as I think it would.  How would I feel after eating it?  The temporary pleasure is not worth it.

Do holidays cause you stress?

Spring Break

Spring Break hasn't been as challenging as I expected!  What a blessing.  I've enjoyed not having to go to work this week, and my daughter is out of school.  We haven't done anything super exciting, but it has been nice not to have to set an alarm clock.  We've gone to the movies, shopped (too much!), I've done some spring cleaning, and a few other things.  

As I mentioned before, during times like these in the past I've spent more time than I'd care to admit eating. Curling up with a good book and some form of junk food has always been my idea of relaxation.  There is a big part of me that misses that.  However, I know that I can't allow habits like that to remain in my life.

This week I've been more active than I would have in the past.  I've walked every day, spent some time every day cleaning, etc.  Sure - I've spent time reading and relaxing, but not as much as I would have in the past.

I haven't really had any cravings to speak of!!!!  I can't begin to describe what a relief that is.

On Sunday, we are having a breakfast at church and we've been invited to my sister's house for dinner.  I'm planning to skip the breakfast.  I'm taking two desserts to my sister's house.  Some would say that doing so is an unwise move for a sugar addict, but I'm going to plan well.  I'm making carrot cake and chocolate nests.  The carrot cake isn't too much of a temptation.  The chocolate nests might be.  I plan to ask my daughter to help me bake, so that I will have some accountability.  I absolutely will not bring any leftovers home.

A decision I haven't quite made yet is what to eat at dinner.  I'm not quite sure of the menu, but I believe there will be traditional Southern items - ham, mashed potatoes, mac & cheese, rolls etc.  I don't have a problem eating the ham.  Even though I'm currently eating a vegan diet for the most part, eating meat occasionally isn't a problem for me.  It's the rest of the menu that I'm unsure of.  Do I stay with only fruits and veggies?  Or do I eat small amounts of some of the potatoes and mac & cheese?  I'm definitely not at a point where I could eat a small amount of dessert as a rare treat.  That slope is too slippery for now, and it may always be.

What would you suggest?

I've lost 48 pounds!

Wow!  It's nice to see the results of healthy eating.  I still have a lot more weight to lose, but I'm proud of my progress.

Ultimately, my goal is to have consistent healthy habits.  I want to make healthy food and exercising a part of the norm, not a part of a diet that will change as soon as I've lost the weight that I need to lose.

I ate lunch at McDonald's today.  It definitely wasn't my first choice, but due to circumstances that weren't entirely within my control, McDonald's it was.  I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich without the mayo.  According to their web site, this sandwich has 420 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3 grams of fiber ,11 grams of sugar(!!??), 32 grams of protein, and 1190 grams of sodium.  Removing the mayo should have dropped the fat grams a bit.  I'm not very happy with the sugar and the sodium. Overall, though, I'm happy with my choice and it was satisfying. I'm glad I didn't add the fruit and yogurt parfait - it has 21 grams of sugar!!

pizza again?!?!?!

The company provided pizza for lunch today.  Again.  The smell of high fat goodness, again.  Ugh.  My strategy was the same as yesterday.  Avoidance.  As soon as I started smelling the pizza, I left the area and ate my healthy lunch elsewhere.

 I think I will fix a healthy pizza one day next week.  Whole wheat crust, pizza sauce, onions, peppers, black olives and veggie sausage.

Next week, my daughter is on spring break and I am on vacation!  I'm not too concerned about the temptation of "treating" myself to junk food/sugary foods as I have always done in the past during times like these.  I am well aware of the risks, though, and have planned to avoid specific behaviors that might cause temptation.

I might buy my daughter some foods that I wouldn't normally keep in the house as a spring break treat, but I will not buy any "trigger foods".  I don't plan to eat at restaurants this week, however if these plans change I will likely go to Panera since my daughter loves it and I can choose something healthy.  I will continue with my daily walk.  (I've been walking about 20 minutes a day!!) My "treats" will be non-food related.  Shopping for a new outfit, spending time with daughter, reading, walking, etc.

What non-food related treats to you like?

cupcakes part 2, and pizza

The day after the company provided cupcakes for everyone at the celebration, there were leftovers.  I've been told they were still moist and yummy.   I'm so happy to say that it bothered me a bit, but the urge to eat one was not overwhelming.

Today, for reasons unknown to me, the company provided donuts, cookies, fruit and coffee for breakfast. Then pizza for lunch!!  Is my willpower and strength being tested?!  At least there was fruit this morning.  I avoided the donuts, and again I'm happy to say that it didn't bother me too much.

Then came the pizza.  It was set up close enough to my desk that the smell was almost overwhelming.  Oooey, gooey, cheesy goodness.  I reminded myself of how much fat there is in only one slice.  It was hard.  Since it was lunchtime, I decided to avoid temptation by going to the cafeteria and eating my veggie chicken sandwich on a whole wheat bun and grapes.

My brain began the all too familiar destructive self-talk.  "This isn't fair."  "Why can't I treat myself this time". "It smells sooooooooooo good."  "Why can't I be normal and eat a slice or two like everyone else."

Before I went any farther into this pity party, I reminded myself of something in the "Made to Crave" book I just finished reading.  (I will probably read it again - it's that good!)  Everything is permitted, but not everything is beneficial.  Is that pizza beneficial?  No.  Lots of fat, crust made out of white flour, addictive.

When the work day was over, I was happy to be able to say that I overcame the temptations!!!!  That feels much better than eating pizza or donuts ever could.  No guilt.  No beating myself up over bad choices.  No subsequent sugar cravings.

God is good!!  He never allows temptation without allowing a way out.

cupcakes

We had a big company-wide celebration at work today.  The company purchased the most delicious looking cupcakes I've ever seen for this event.  They were so beautiful!  These were not your cheap, yellow cupcakes with mounds of too-sweet frosting.  These were gorgeous chocolate, vanilla, red velvet, strawberry, carrot cake........you get the idea.

Oddly enough, my choice not to get a cupcake didn't bother me very much.  I'm sure they were very tasty, but knowing that indulging in one of these treats would cause me to crave sugar for days was enough of a deterrent for me.

Progress!!

Exercise

The dreaded word.  I've never really been a fan of physical exertion.  I absolutely dreaded gym class when I was in school.  I wasn't really overweight then, but I'm not very coordinated and don't excel at sports.  There has been only been one time in my life that I actually came to enjoy walking, and I even did Taebo!

At my current weight, exercise is very difficult.  Therefore, I've rationalized the fact that I haven't begun any form of exercise.  "I'm going to eat healthy for a while first."  "I'm taking baby steps in this journey".  That's what I've been telling myself since I began in January.

This week, I've walked several times.  I've only spent about 15 minutes walking each time.  The area of my street where I'm walking is mostly flat, so the first part of my excersions have been pleasant.  Walking back home on a slight to medium incline has been difficult.  It's embarassing that I'm so out of breath when I'm done.

My husband went with me one night, and my daughter went with me the other times.  That has helped.  I'm praying for motivation to continue with this area of my journey to be healthy!!

successful lunch

Lunch today was good!  My sub tasted wonderful, and I didn't eat extra junk.  I didn't eat the chips or the cookie that was offered to me with the sub.  The sub was filling and I really enjoyed it.

The cookie had 390 calories!!!!

No computer!!

I haven't posted in a while because my computer is sick.  It should be fixed in a few days.  Amazing how dependent we are on technology, isn't it?

Sunday was my son's 19th birthday.  I can't believe it!!  It seems like just yesterday I was bringing him home from the hospital.  I digress.  Anyway....for his birthday, he wanted to have dinner at my mom's house.  Thankfully, most of my family tries to eat healthy so this wasn't a stressful event.  I ate baked chicken, salad and fruit salad.  Everything was yummy!

Tomorrow we will be having yet another lunch meeting at work.  The boss is ordering Quizno's for everyone.  I've actually never eaten there.  As usual, it is astonishing to read the nutrition information.  Some of the items that you assume would be "safe" choices are not!  After studying their web site for quite a while, I finally settled on a regular honey bourbon chicken sub on whole wheat.  At 520 calories and 8 grams of fat, it's an ok choice.  Sure, I could have asked for the small size.  I probably should have asked for the mustard and the sauce on the side.

Since I haven't eaten there before, I'm not sure how large the "regular" sub is.  At 520 calories, it will definitely be my whole meal!!  If I get full before finishing, I'll save some.

A friend recently mentioned that she was reading "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst.  After reading a synopsis of the book, I signed up to receive her emails.  They were very thought provoking, so I purchased the book on Saturday.  I've been reading one chapter a day.  The chapters are short, but very thought provoking.  I am an avid reader, so I could probably read the entire book in one day.  However, I have a tendency to read to fast.  I decided to read only one chapter a day so that what I was reading could "sink in".

So far, I've enjoyed the book.  I'll go into more detail later.

self-importance

I just stumbled across a line from a book that is really causing me to examine a few things.  It is a fictitious novel, but the quote is powerful to me.

"You have the over-developed sense of self-importance that a lot of addictive personalities seem to have, plus the massively low self-esteem."


This was apparently spoken by a counselor to a drug addict.  


I've always considered myself the type of person that puts others first.  I associate self-importance with vain, egotistical types.  However, if I really ponder my actions a lot of them are driven by self-importance.


How many events have I avoided because I didn't want people to see me.  How many people have I avoided because I didn't want them to see how much weight I've gained.  In doing so, the assumption is that these people having nothing better to do than notice me.  


Very humbling.  

Content

This morning, my son suggested that I switch from cereal to oatmeal for breakfast every morning because it is healthier.  I like oatmeal, but I like cereal better.  I've been eating Fiber One cereal that only has 6 grams of sugar.  It is very filling.  I mentioned that I was content with what I've been doing.

Apparently I used the word content when he told me that I needed to cut out carbs at dinner.  He's convinced that doing so would lead to faster weight loss.

When I came home from the grocery store this morning, I found  a note from my son that indicated that I'd been using the word "content" a lot lately.

My son is an extremely dedicated weight lifter/body builder, so the word content isn't necessarily a positive word to him.  I believe he associates it with settling rather than working hard.

While my son's suggestions may be good ones, I fear making changes right now.  My eating plan is causing steady weight loss, I've had very few cravings, and I haven't binged very often.  To me, this equals success.

I'm also looking ahead.  I don't want to focus too heavily on the future, because doing so can lead to discouragement when I contemplate the large amount of weight I need to lose.  However, my main concern is not loosing weight.  It is keeping it off.  During this process, I want to learn healthy habits that I can continue with for life.

What does content mean to you?

I've lost 37 pounds!!

How exciting!  What's more exciting is that I've done so by eating healthy, and the sugar/fat cravings have been relatively minimal.

My son, the health nut/gym rat, has suggested that I cut carbs in the evening and eat 4 smaller meals rather than 3 meals a day.  I've told him that I feel as if the "no carbs after ___ o'clock" rule is a myth.  What do you think?

ABC's of Me

I saw this on another blog and thought it would be fun.

A   Age: 37
B   Bed Size: King
C   Chore you hate: mopping
D   Dogs:  I prefer cats
E   Essential start to your day: prayer
F   Favorite Color: burgundy/wine/purple
G   Gold or silver: silver
H   Height: 5'4"
I    Instruments you can play: piano, but I rarely play anymore
J   Job title: hard to describe
K  Kids: 18 year old son and 13 year old daughter - where did time go??!
L   Live: Virginia
M  Mom's name: Teresa
N   Nicknames: Mel - I hate it, though!
O   Overnight hospital stays: only when my kids were born
P   Pet Peeve: superiority complexes
Q   Quote from a movie: "Life is like a box of chocolates....."
R   Righty or Lefty: righty
S   Sibling: one sister - she's my best friend  :)
T   Time you wake up: 6:20 a.m.
U   Underwear:  yes
V   Vegetables you dislike: celery
W   What makes you run late: I try very hard to always be on time.  Being late drives me crazy!!
X   X-rays: not including dental, only once on a sprained ankle
Y   Yummy food you make: I make desserts best.  Considering my addiction to sugar, this is a problem!
Z   Zoo favorite animal: monkey

Love this song!

I love the lyrics for Francesca Battistelli's "this is the stuff"!  Thought I'd share.

lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world
Oh Oh Oh

This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff
Someone save me
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
And I've gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

Oh Oh Oh Oh
This is the stuff You use

 

I did it!

Lunch at work went well!  I fixed the shredded chicken that I mentioned in my last post.  I ate some of that on a whole wheat tortilla shell and had an apple.  I was content.  I was only slightly tempted to add sour cream and cheese, and only slightly tempted by the macaroni and cheese and the peach cobbler that were there.  It is so exciting to plan ahead, eat healthy, and not be overwhelmed by temptation.

Last night, my sister and I ate dinner at Panera.  I tried the black bean soup and it was delish!  The soup along with a small whole grain baguette made a healthy dinner that was low in calories and it followed my eating plan.

I'm looking forward to continued success!

Another work party

We're having a party a work on Monday.  Last time, I simply didn't go.  It was at lunch, and we had pizza, bread sticks, wings.....in other words nothing healthy.  This time, the main entree will be tacos.  At first, I thought I would bow out of this one as well.  There will be a smorgasbord of other foods along with the tacos that will be tempting for me.  Then I decided to join in on my own terms.

I can't eat beef (I'm allergic), so I decided to bring shredded chicken and whole wheat soft shell tortillas. I have been eating vegan, but the shredded chicken recipe I found ( http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Crockpot-Chicken-Tacos) is fairly healthy.  As long as I don't add cheese and sour cream to mine, and avoid the other unhealthy fare that will be available I will be ok.

This will give me the opportunity to join in without compromising my healthy eating plan.  I'll let you know how I do!

Pity party is over

I think my pity party is over.  I haven't been craving junk as much as I was.  I'm beginning to realize that it probably was hormone related.  I didn't think it was initially, but honestly I'm not as in tune with my cycle as I should be.  


Knowing what triggered this recent binge is helpful, but now what do I do about it?  I've read that eating healthy can help, but I'm already doing that.  I've also read that Vitamin B6 can help, so I'm going to add that to my daily regimen.  Any other suggestions?  


On another note, it is so helpful to read the blogs of others who struggle with binge eating order.  For many years I've felt so alone.  To read comments that I could have written myself means so much to me.  Knowing that I'm one of many people who suffer from this, is comforting.  


I've followed one particular blog, http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/, for quite a while.  Lyn describes things so well.

how do you handle events?

This weekend, we're having a breakfast at church Sunday morning and I've been invited to a tea party Sunday afternoon.  I know that there will be little or no healthy food served at these functions.  Therefore, I have decided that I will not go to either.

I have some mixed emotions about my decision.  Since this healthy eating plan is still in its' infancy, I did have a binge this week, and there will likely be plenty of "trigger" foods at these events I feel that avoiding them is a smart move.  Another part of me feels that avoiding them altogether is pathetic.  Why can't I enjoy small treats and move on?  Why can't I have a few treats without craving sugar and fat for days after?  It's embarrassing to explain to someone why I'm not attending these functions.  Why can't I be self assured enough to say without hesitancy or embarrassment that I'm eating healthy and avoiding temptation?

Is this how an alcoholic feels when she is invited to a party where alcohol will be served?  Does she miss the party because of the temptation that will be present?  Why do I feel that this would be a less embarrassing explanation for missing a party then "I'm trying to eat healthy"?  Is it that alcoholism is socially acceptable but binge eating disorder is not because it is so disgusting?

Why me?

Sometimes I get so angry and frustrated with my struggles with compulsive overeating.  It is so easy to have a "pity party".  I know that it is not healthy and serves no purpose, but it happens occasionally.

I'm having one of those moments tonight.  After the binge I had this week, I've done well.  Back on track with healthy eating.  Tonight, out of the blue while watching American Idol, I began craving pizza.  Mainly the cheese.  Then I went from that to french onion dip with corn chips.  Why am I craving these things???

There doesn't really seem to be a reason.  Emotionally, I'm fine.  All of the literature on binge eating disorder points to underlying emotional issues for this, but sometimes I don't see the correlation.

During this cycle of cravings, then "why me", then frustration, then anger, my next thought is often "why bother".  If I'm always going to struggle with this, then can I really reach a healthy weight and have a healthy relationship with food? Even if I reach those goals, can I maintain them?

I'm so tired of this.

disgusted

I did it.  I binged.  After several days of craving Reese peanut butter eggs, I succumbed.  I'm so disappointed in myself.  I ate 4 Reese peanut butter eggs and 2 large bagels with cream cheese.  If I try to look at the good side of things, then I can at least say that this is far less food than I would have eaten during a binge in the past.  In fact, I even threw several other bagels and the cream cheese away.

What did I learn?  I learned that even though there are things I can do to avoid a binge, I still must make the choice to use these tools.  I could have called someone, but I didn't.  I chose to go to the store, buy the food, and eat it.  My desire to stuff my face was stronger than my desire to stop myself.

The emotions that one experiences during this are many.  It is hard to describe.  Though I have had stronger urges than this one, it is almost an overwhelming desire that increases steadily.  When I was in the car after my trip to the store, as I was opening the Reese eggs I noticed that I was actually shaking in anticipation.  Then after the first couple of bites there is a feeling of calm release and relief.  I've often wondered if this is how a drug addict feels.

After having so little sugar, the candy was so very sweet.  Unfortunately, it was still appealing enough to eat all of the eggs that I had purchased.  After I ate all of this, I immediately felt sick.  This is progress of sorts, there was a time that I could eat outrageous amounts of food before feeling ill.

I will put this even behind me, learn from it, and get back "in the saddle".