Binge eating disorder sucks

It is so hard to describe how difficult it can be to live with an eating disorder.  If I try, I worry that I will sound crazy.  Unless you've "been there", I feel that it is probably impossible to understand.

Since 1/8/11, I've done really well.  I've only binged twice.  Since eating a vegan/low-fat/high-fiber/low to no sugar diet, my cravings for sugar have diminished to the point of being almost non-existant.  I am so grateful for this.

The last day or two, I have been craving Reese peanut butter eggs.  You know the ones.  The glorious, delightful, sinfully delicious candy that it is in every grocery store at Easter.  This year, they have been in the stores earlier which has been a bit difficult.  Of course there is now the Valentine version, the Christmas version.....ugh.

Since I'm making an effort to be mindful of the reason behind my cravings, I began analyzing this.  Have I eaten more sugar than normal?  No.  Other than fruit I'm not eating sugar.  Am I anxious?  Not particularly - in fact today I'm less anxious than I was for a few days last week.  Is it hormonal?  No.

There is such a large part of me that misses binging.  I know that sounds irrational, but it's true.  Even though there are multiple tools that I can use to avoid binging, it is so very easy to ignore those tools and binge anyway.  Then the other disordered thinking begins. "If I'm going to binge, what else have I been avoiding that I might as well eat?"  Next, the discouragement.  "I'll never be able to do this, so why bother trying."

Yes, this stinks.  However - with the help of God who is my strength, I did not binge!  I did not stop at the store and buy Reese eggs and various other forms of sugar and fat.  It is not worth it.  The few minutes of pleasure are not worth the guilt and the cravings that will result for probably days after the binge.

Victorious!!!!!!

27 pounds lost, but the scale is still evil

I hate scales.  For my entire adult life, there has been only one year that I was actually happy with the number on the scale.  This was the year following a two year weight loss effort that resulted in a huge weight loss.  I managed to keep it all off for about a year, then gained it all back.

Why do we allow the number on the scale to determine how our day will be?  Or determine our self worth?  Since I have such a horrible relationship with the scales, I decided this time that I would only weight myself about once a month.  I planned to weight myself on Monday, but I weighed myself about a week ago.  Then I weighed myself today, deciding that this will be my "official weigh-in of the month.

I've lost 27 pounds since January 8!!!!!!!!!!  How awesome is that!!  It is more than I expected, but even more importantly I'm eating healthy.  I don't feel hungry.

Now you're thinking - why does she hate the scale?  Because I only lost 1 pound this week.  Wow.  I definitely need to keep this in perspective.  How unhealthy is that kind of thinking?!  I've lost 27 pounds, I'm eating healthy, but my initial reaction is to be upset and disappointed because during one particular week of this journey I only lost 1 pound.

1 pound lost is 1 more step towards my goal.  1 pound lost is much better than a weight gain.  1 pound lost is better than 1/2 pound, 1/4 pound or staying the same.

Taking all of that into consideration is good, but I need to learn to look at the overall picture.  This is a lifelong journey that need not be measured in one week.

I've lost 27 pounds and I'm on my way to a permanently healthy me!

Change of plans

We went to Outback last night as planned.  When we arrived, the parking lot was packed and we found that the wait time was 60 minutes!  Of course, it was a Friday night around 6:30 p.m., so we should not have been surprised.  My husband was starving, so he didn't want to wait that long.

We decided to go to Cracker Barrel.  That probably wasn't the best choice since their menu is full of traditional Southern foods, which tend to be full of fat and butter.  I ordered grilled chicken, green beans, and a house salad.  This sounds like a healthy meal, but it tasted so good I have my doubts!  When I got home, I looked for the nutritional information to see if I had made good choices.  The Cracker Barrel web site does not give this info!  Hmmmmm.......this causes me to suspect that the food is not particularly healthy.

Even though I didn't stay with my vegan plan, I feel like I made good choices.  The chicken was grilled, I don't think the green beans had a lot of oil or butter, and the salad had very little cheese.  I did eat the croutons - they were delicious and were probably a poor choice.  I also ate half of a cornbread muffin with butter.  That probably wasn't the best decision, but overall I feel I did really well.

The main thing that I noticed last night is that rather than being overwhelmed by all of the choices on the menu like I normally am, it was much easier to make a decision when searching for healthy fare.  After all - this didn't leave very many choices!  Most importantly, I avoided sugar.  I was full and satisfied, but not overly full because I didn't overeat like I have typically done at restaurants in the past.

Even better - my choices last night did not cause me to crave fatty, sugary, salty foods today!!!

Success!

Restaurant eating

First, I'd like to say that I did not succumb to the chocolate cravings that I mentioned in my last post!!!!  How awesome is that??!!

Tomorrow night, hubby and I are going on a date!  I'm very excited.  Even though our kids are older, we still don't go out very often.  We're going to Outback because we have a gift certificate.  This will be the first time I've eaten at a restaurant since beginning my new healthy eating plan.

I think it is so helpful that most restaurants have menu and nutrition info on the web sites.  Since I haven't been to Outback in quite some time, I felt that the best plan would be to prepare myself by browsing the menu.  I didn't really see any vegan options.  My next "go to" healthy choice is typically grilled chicken.  They do offer a grilled chicken entree and a grilled chicken sandwich.  I will likely go with one of those and veggies.

How do you handle eating out?

craving chocolate

I'm craving chocolate today.  Not in the overwhelming, I'm going to make a special trip out to the store, I will not find relief until I eat chocolate way, but it's been consuming my thoughts for the last several hours.    

Rather than immediately searching the house for chocolate, which would have been fruitless because I'm pretty sure there is none, or finding any type of sugar that I could find to begin a binge, I've examined my thoughts and tried to find a reason for the craving.

Am I hungry? Not really.  Have I eaten enough fiber filled foods today? Yes.  Have I eaten more sugar today than usual? No.  Could it be hormone related?  No.  What about emotions - am I lonely, sad, depressed or bored?  Not particularly.  

There are only two reasons I can think of.  First, my nieces were here last night and I fixed pizza and garlic cheese bread for dinner, and gave them ice cream for dessert.  I fixed a healthy pizza for myself, which was somewhat satisfying, and I avoided the garlic bread because it's not on my current eating plan.  (not to mention that I would have difficulty stopping at one piece) At the time, the ice cream didn't bother me.  I purchased three small cups of ice cream rather than a half gallon so that there would be no leftovers (one for each of my nieces and one for my daughter).  The pizza and garlic bread sure looked good, though.  Could being around all of this last night cause cravings?

Second, the speaker at church today spent a while talking about ice cream this morning. (I know, it sounds strange but he definitely related it to the Bible passage that we were studying).  He mentioned his love of ice cream, many different Ben and Jerry's varieties, and he gave my daughter a pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food.  Could this be the cause?

Could it be one of the two reasons I mentioned?  Or are there cravings that occur for no good reason?

I'll ponder that some more, and I will not succumb to temptation.

Success!

I did it!!  I successfully avoided the unhealthy food at the pizza party today!  I decided the best course of action would be to not go to the party.  Since the party was basically a lunch with the sole purpose of eating, it didn't really make sense to go.

I was so worried about it, analyzed it so much, and do you think anyone even really commented when I said "I'm trying to eat healthy, no thanks."?  Of course not!

I need to learn that I don't need to be concerned about others' opinions about my food choices.  I don't really think too much about others' opinions about much else, so why should I be concerned about this?  Answer: I don't need to be.  My food choices effect me, not them.

I'm grateful that with God's help, I've continued to have motivation to eat healthy.

pizza party

 We're having a pizza party tomorrow at work for my boss' birthday.  How do I deal with that?  My first approach was denial.  I didn't want to plan for it.  How silly is that?  Today, I finally realized that when the planning began and it was asked "what should we order?", I could have asked if anyone else would be interested in a healthy option. Perhaps a veggie pizza with no/light cheese?  Or a salad?  I went to the restaurant's web site, and (surprise, surprise) there were NO healthy options.  Only pizza, breadsticks, and wings.  Of course, if I'd planned earlier maybe someone else would have agreed that a veggie pizza was a good choice, but at this point it's really too late to ask the company to buy an additional pizza for the party if I'm likely the only person that would eat it.

I actually don't really want to eat the pizza.  My main issue is not the food itself, but the "why aren't you eating" questions.  I am not comfortable enough, assertive enough, self confidant enough or open enough to feel at ease with nine or ten other people eating pizza and either not eating at all or bringing my own healthy lunch.

I asked my son for his opinion. He suggested that I take a personal day.  That seems so radical! I have such a strong work ethic that I can't even fathom doing that.

My son mentioned in a separate conversation, that as a healthy, fitness crazed body builder he couldn't imaging walking into McDonalds and ordering a burger.  He compared it to a pastor going to the ABC store.  My response?  I told him that no body would pay attention to him.  They don't care what he's eating.  Hmmmmm.........sounds like I need to heed my own advice.

Temptations

How much of a temptation is it for you to be around foods that you're trying to avoid?  At the office, for example?

Today, we had a birthday party for a co-worker.  I chose not to bring anything, because I knew that if I didn't I wouldn't eat any of the goodies that other people brought.  The cake. The chicken salad on rolls.  The chips and dip.  It actually didn't bother me.

Then someone put two trays of cookies and brownies near my desk.  I could smell them.  That made things a bit harder.  I should have moved them, but I didn't.  I didn't eat any of them, and I didn't stop on the way home from work to buy something similar as I would have in the past.  Victory!!

During all of that, a pizza party was being planned for Friday.  Sigh.  Do you ever feel alone in your journey to being healthy?  Do you ever feel as if you're the only person that is trying to avoid high fat, high sugar foods?  Or maybe that others eat healthy 80% of the time so that they're comfortable indulging occasionally?

Indulging once in a while hasn't worked well for me in the past.  The small "treats" so quickly progress into a binge.

I will make a plan for Friday.

Successful Event

Wow - I haven't posted in a week!  This week has been fairly uneventful.  I'm finding that a low fat, high fiber, low/no sugar diet is definitely key to avoiding uncontrollable sugar cravings.  I can actually go into a grocery store and not have an overwhelming urge to buy every cookie, cake, candy bar, etc. in sight!!

During the week, I was a bit concerned about an event.  Saturday night, we were celebrating my sister's birthday at my house.  We were having dinner - one would assume that since it was at my house that I would be doing the majority of the cooking.  However, I'm really not a particularly good cook.  Not to mention that the rest of the family would probably not to want to eat my vegan choices.  Fortunately, my parents and my sister are health conscious.

Mom fixed baked chicken, flat iron steak, green beans, fruit salad and rolls.  I fixed salad, roasted red potatoes and chocolate chess pie.  Since I knew  the menu in advance, I was able to plan ahead of time what I would eat.

I know what you're thinking - why is a sugar addict fixing chocolate pie???!!!  Well, even though I'm not a great cook, I can fix yummy desserts.  My sister and mom are very supportive, so if I had said that I didn't feel comfortable making dessert they would have completely understood.  I decided to give it a whirl.

My daughter made the pie almost entirely on her own, with a little bit of supervision from me.  I knew that this would give me some accountability.  I'm not going to ask my 13 year old daughter to be an accountability partner, but since she knows that I'm trying to eat healthy I would be embarrassed to do otherwise with her present.

Having the pie sitting there at dinner really didn't bother me!!  What progress.  I ate baked chicken, green beans, and fruit salad.  I was very content and full.  I did sort of miss having my mom's home made rolls, but I knew that if I ate one it could very easily start a downward spiral.  (This was the first meat that I had eaten since 1/9/11.  I'm still planning to stay with my vegan eating style, at least for a while.  I could have fixed an alternate main dish for myself, but I decided that boneless, skinless, baked chicken for this event would be ok)

How do you handle events?

soy milk

This morning I tried soy milk.  I was pleasantly surprised - it actually tastes good!  I used it with my cereal, a Kashi brand high fiber, high protein, low sugar cereal.  The cereal was ok, not wonderful but I think I liked it enough that I'll eat it again.

14 pounds lost!!!

I've lost 14 pounds since I began this healthy eating plan!  Wow!  Of course, the cynic in me reminds me that losing weight has never actually been a problem, it's keeping it off.  I need to push those thoughts aside and take this one day at a time.  A lifetime of healthy eating can seem overwhelming, but one day at a time is manageable.

The only aspect of my eating plan that I may change is the "no dairy".  If I do that, I will only add skim milk for my cereal in the mornings.  So far, I've only been eating oatmeal and I use water rather than milk.  Oatmeal is so filling!  However, if I don't get the right consistency it can be so gross!!

This morning I bought some Kashi cereal that has a lot of fiber and protein and is almost as low in sugar as the oatmeal I've been buying.  I also bought some soy milk to try with it.  I've never tried soy milk or almond milk, or any milk other than cow's milk.

I'll let you know how this works!

Motivation vs. Commitment

I just read a fabulous post on another blog (http://lynnsweigh.blogspot.com) about commitment.  It really made me ponder  the difference between motivation and commitment.  Motivation can require external cues, but it is most effective if it comes from within.  However, I find it extremely easy to lose motivation.  My motivations for losing weight include looking better, feeling better, avoiding future health problems, and not being a burden to my family when I develop obesity related health issues.  These are all very valid.   Somehow, those tend to be lost when I felt that desire to binge.

Commitment, on the other hand, means that I have made a pledge or promise to myself.  Yes, promises can be broken.  Somehow, though, being committed to a lifelong goal of eating healthy translates into doing so whether I want to or not.

The psychological aspects of conquering a pattern of disordered eating are so much more complicated than simply eating healthy, aren't they?

I've done fairly well this week.  I ate a few things today that weren't really within my eating plan, but it didn't turn into a binge fest or even really overeating.  I plan to weigh myself tomorrow or Sunday, since Sunday will be three weeks since I began my new vegan eating plan.

I'm excited to see what the scales will say!

Lesson Learned

My daughter went to a birthday party last night.  After the party, we were discussing the normal details....who was there, what everyone wore, what kind of food was served, etc.  When my daughter mentioned chips and dip, I suddenly began craving french onion dip.  When I was bingeing, I could easily eat almost an entire container of french onion dip in one sitting.  I would typically feel sick afterward, but I would still do it almost every time I bought it.  In fact, with the exception of planning for a party the only time I did buy dip was when I was planning a binge.

I decided to try to find an alternate option to satisfy my craving.  When I did my weekly grocery shopping this morning, I bought french onion soup.  I ate that and an apple for lunch, and I enjoyed it.  It calmed my craving for french onion dip.  I must admit, this shocked me.  How often have I read this technique in magazines, books, web sites, and blogs.  I've never thought it would work so I didn't even try.  From the viewpoint of an overeater, the alternate options sound less than appealing.  Cheese flavored rice cakes instead of Cheetos?  Fat free/sugar free pudding instead of ice cream?  Seriously?? Now I know that I need to give this a closer look.

About three hours later, I was hungry.  I contemplated my choices and nothing sounded appealing.  A salad, an orange, perhaps even a 100 calorie pack of microwave popcorn.  Then I decided that a peanut butter sandwich was what I wanted.  On my current eating plan, peanut butter is not a recommended choice since it is high in fat.  We have natural peanut butter (for my son the health nut), which is much lower in fat but looks disgusting.  My daughter and son both assure me that it tastes really good but I still haven't tried it.  So I ate a peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwich.  Yum, yum.  At least I used whole wheat bread, I rationalized.

If I had stopped here, it would have been basically ok.  However, the first peanut butter sandwich tasted so good I had another.

Then my "all or nothing" thinking kicked in.  You've been there, haven't you?  "Well, I've blown it.  Might as well keep eating."  "I've already messed up, why stop now."  "I'm off plan, so why not eat ___________ (fill in the blank)"

I proceeded to eat two pieces of toast with real butter and some snack mix.  Then I stopped.  

Lesson learned: it is possible to replace an unhealthy food craving with a healthy one and be satisfied.
Lesson learned: french onion soup is not a main course.

I'm not going to dwell on this mistake.  It could have been much, much worse.  I will learn from it and move on.

Accountability

One of the reasons I began this particular weight loss journey is at the prompting of my son.  He is 18 years old, a devoted body builder and health nut.  He confronted me about my weight problem in December.  At the time, his "intervention" was very difficult.  It was humbling to have my first born child explain that he was very concerned about my weight and the health issues that would inevitably occur.

He offered to help me by being my weight loss coach, encouraging me, and holding me accountable.  At first, I really didn't like the idea on many levels.  He's my child.  Regardless of the fact that he is 18 now, he's still my little boy.  I'm supposed to help him, he's not supposed to help me.

After I thought about this a bit, I realized that I wouldn't think twice about helping my parents with anything they needed.  Of course, I'm 37 years old and my son is 18 so there is a difference.  Also, he made the offer, it wasn't as if I had asked.  So I decided to accept.

As I began my new eating plan, my son was very encouraging.  He has asked at least once a day how my eating has been.  He has done so in a more gentle, loving manner than I somehow expected.  He has such a kind heart, but he is also very assertive and bold so I expected more of a drill sergeant approach!!

Yesterday was the first day (other than the day I slipped and binged on sugar) that I had some trouble.  I  expected to have more trouble this week since I'm not working and have more free time.  I was out shopping.  I ate breakfast right before I left the house, so I wasn't hungry.  Fast food restaurants began calling my name.  Then I began thinking about ice cream, cookies, and chocolate.  What do I do?

When I initially thought about sending a text to my son as he had suggested I do in such circumstances, I didn't want to.  I didn't want to bother him - I knew he was at school, possibly in class.  I couldn't decide if I really didn't want to bother him, or if I was just rationalizing.  I finally decided to send him a text - "Having trouble.  Need some tough love."

My son called me within 5 minutes and asked where I was.  I was shopping not far from his school, he was getting ready to leave, and my sweet child offered to come to me.  I didn't expect that.  His offer was so kind and understanding.  I told him that doing so was not necessary.  Actually, the act of texting him helped quite a bit.  After all, I wouldn't want to send the text then explain to him later that I succumbed to the cravings, would I?

My son proceeded to encourage me to stay on plan, stay away from the food court at the mall, and sent me a text about 30 minutes later to follow up.  Then about an hour after the initial text that I sent, he sent me another text letting me know that he was going to work and that I needed to come home and eat lunch so I wouldn't be tempted to buy unhealthy food while I was out!  How sweet and helpful is that??!

When I got his last text, I was at a dollar store.  I didn't buy food!!!  Instead, I noticed these Coke drinking glasses that I've always liked but never purchased.  At only $1 each, why not buy those as a reward for not bingeing?  So I did.  Much more satisfying than a sugar high followed by a crash and days of being tempted to return to sugar.

Thanks to having accountability, I stayed on plan yesterday.  How are you doing?  How are you accountable to?  Are you like me - a very private person who doesn't want to share anything with anyone?  Take a leap of faith today and try something new.

Genetics

What do you think of when you hear the word genetics?  Do you immediately picture your family?  Perhaps you think of your hair color or eye color.  If you are overweight, maybe you think of those in your family tree who struggle with this as well.

Yes, our genetics play a large part in our appearance, our health, even our personalities.  Many aspects of our appearance, such as hair color or eye color, we have no control over.  (Excluding colored contacts and having our hair colored, of course!).  Do you ever use genetics as an excuse for your weight?

It is so easy to rationalize a weight problem.  "Everyone in my family is large."  "I have big bones".  Yes, if you have a family history of weight problems you may struggle with the same.  Yes, you may have a large frame and may never be tiny.  However, we must not use this is an excuse!!  (Yes, speaking to myself here).

On another note, I mentioned in a previous post that I did not have to work this week.  I've done well with this!  Unlike many other such weeks, I've not spent much of my time eating.  I've maintained my healthful low fat, high fiber, low/no sugar eating plan!!!!

Grocery Shopping

Have you ever really thought about the disparity between the healthy choices in your local grocery store and the unhealthy ones?  Yes, there is typically a produce section full of fresh fruits and veggies.  Most stores offer whole grain breads, pastas, crackers and "light" options.  There may even be organic foods available.

Regardless of these choices, to the compulsive overeater/sugar addict/food addict the seemingly harmless trip to the grocery store  can be like sending an alcoholic to the ABC store.  One aisle is dedicated to ice cream.  One aisle for chips.  Another for candy.  Not to mention the bakery and "seasonal" aisle.

This morning, I had my oatmeal and raisins BEFORE going to do my weekly grocery shopping.  That made a huge difference.  The cookies, ice cream, candy and cakes didn't call my name.  I noticed them, but it was fairly easy to leave them on the shelf.  

Have you found ways to make grocery shopping easier and less tempting?  Do you ask a family member to do your shopping for you to avoid situation?

6 pounds gone!!!

The scale has been my enemy for as long as I can remember.  If I lost weight, it was not enough.  Which, depending on my mood, could cause me to justify a binge.  After all, I'd lost weight.  What would it hurt?  If I gained weight, I felt worthless due to my lack of self control.  The self loathing easily led to a binge.

Due to this, when I was in the process of losing a substantial amount of weight a number of years ago I did not weight myself for about a year.  I could gauge my progress by my clothing, and I didn't have to deal with the emotional roller coaster getting on the scale could cause.

It's amazing how much some of us attach our self worth to the number on the scale.  We give that one simple object so much power over our lives! We allow it to decide what kind of day we're having.  We allow it to dictate how we feel about ourselves.

When I began this eating plan, I decided to wait until the three week trial was over to check my weight.  I changed my mind today.  I really shouldn't have, but I did.  Since I've only been on this plan for six days, one of which included a binge, I really didn't expect much of a change on the scale. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I've lost six pounds!!  How exciting!!  I plan to continue with the vegan way of eating for the full three weeks, then re-evaluate.

change in routine

How does a change in routine effect your weight loss efforts?  Or, if you are maintaining a healthy weight how does it effect that?

The past two days I've eaten healthy!!  No binges!!!  Next week, I don't have to work.  I don't have any vacation plans; just trying to use all of my vacation time before our new fiscal year starts since it can't be carried over.

In the past, days like this have been filled with food.  What better way to spend time off from work than with a good book and chocolate, chips and dips, whatever junk food I was craving that day.  I need to plan ahead to avoid doing that this time, but I'm not sure how.

I do have a few plans for the week - I will spend Monday with my daughter since she doesn't have school, I need to get a hair cut, I have some Christmas money that I plan to have fun shopping with, and there are quite a few projects I need to do around the house.  However, I will still have a lot of free time next week.

First, I will spend time with God and turn to him when I am tempted.  Second, my son has been a great source of encouragement and he is someone I can be accountable to.  Third,  I will make certain that there are no "trigger" foods in the house.  Fourth, I will continue to eat high fiber, filling foods.

More later!

Healthy

What does healthy mean to you?  How does it look?  How does it taste?  How does it feel?  My quest to be healthy involves body, mind and spirit.  Eating healthy, exercise, being free of obsessive thoughts about food, being close to God.  That is what I'm striving for.

Today was a good day.  I had oatmeal and raisins for breakfast, soup and grapes for lunch, chili, a green salad, and an apple for dinner.  All of this kept me full.  I really didn't crave sugar.  It was very helpful to get a text from my son right before I left work.  He asked how my diet was going today.  I was happy to tell him that it was going well, and that I would NOT be stopping on the way home from work to buy junk food!!

Notice a trend with the food that I'm eating?  I tend to eat similar foods every day, especially when I'm eating healthy.  Some find this boring.  For some reason, it makes eating healthy foods easier for me if I don't have a large variety of choices.  I've found that too many choices can cause trouble.

What about you?

Back in the saddle

Today was tough.  I'm ashamed and disgusted to admit that I succumbed to the call of sugar and junk food.  What's even worse,  I was given obvious opportunities to avoid the binge, but I did it anyway.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why, when I know how horrible this is for my body and health, do I continue to do this?

As I was rationalizing the upcoming binge that I was planning, there were so many feelings flooding me.  Self loathing, helplessness, disgust, self defeat, etc.  You know the cycle.  The "I'm always going to be this way so why bother even trying to change" attitude.

I didn't have to work today.  I ate a healthy breakfast of oatmeal and raisins, and it was filling.  I picked my daughter up at school around 9:45 a.m. for a 10:00 a.m. orthodontist appointment.  We were there until about 11:30 a.m. (she was having her bottom braces put on).  My daughter absolutely loves ice cream.  I had a coupon for a free small cup of ice cream at Cold Stone, so I thought that would be a perfect treat for her after the orthodontist.  I didn't plan to buy anything for myself, and it really wasn't bothering me.

When we got to Cold Stone, they were closed.  Since I had to go to CVS to pick up a prescription, I told my daughter that I would get her some ice cream there.  By this time, I was getting hungry.  I planned to eat soup and fruit at home for lunch.  I began thinking about all of the different types of chocolate that I could purchase while I was at CVS, especially once my daughter told me that she didn't want to go in.  I tried to put the thoughts out of my head, but I wasn't successful.  Reduced Christmas candy, Valentine candy, ice cream.  Thoughts of sugar danced in my head.

When we got to CVS, my daughter decided to go in with me.  Perfect excuse to avoid buying binge food!!!  After all, since my family knows of my desire to reform my eating habits.  I wouldn't buy chocolate while she was with me.  I must admit that I was initially disappointed.

Did this deter me?  No, of course not.  I also wanted to go to the library, but we needed to go home first. I asked my daughter if she wanted to go back out with me to the library, and she said no.  I immediately began thinking of stopping at the grocery store when I went out to the library since I would be alone.  I had the opportunity to avoid the grocery store.  I didn't have to go to the library today.  I could have asked my daughter to go with me.  My son was at home when we went there before the library.  Since he is a huge proponent of my efforts, I could easily have told him that I was having a hard day.  But I didn't.

I went to the grocery store as soon as I left home.  As I began perusing the aisles, my son texted me.  "How is the diet going".  Perfect chance to explain my difficulties and leave the store without buying anything.  Did I do that?  No.  I purchased a piece of Reese cup pie, a bag of Reese cups, oreos, ice cream sandwiches, and cheese puffs.

The bad news is, I at the piece of pie, probably 10 oreos and about 5 ice cream sandwiches before I got home.  The good news is, I threw the entire bag of Reese cups and most of the oreos away.  I suppose I should congratulate myself for even small victories.  I'm sad to report I ate almost the entire bag of cheese puffs later in the day.

Why is this so hard?  Why do I let myself treat my body this way?  During this journey, I hope to learn more about myself.

For now, back in the saddle again.  No need to let this mistake carry over into another meal or another day.  I'm fixing vegetable lasagna and fruit for dinner.