A crime has been committed. (Cue theme to Dragnet, Monk, Hillstreet Blues.....any cop/detective show will do) Who is the perpetrator? Me. Who is the victim? My body. What is the motive? To savor the taste of sugar and feel the (temporary) effects of a sugar high. What is the punishment? Weight gain, shame, disgust, guilt, a loss of control, a self imposed prison.
Yes, I've done it. Once again I've succumbed to the allure of sugar. Every day since Friday I've binged on sugar. I know better. I know the long term effects, the short term effects, the abuse that I'm imposing on my body and mind. The list goes on and on.
Does this make me a bad person? Does this make me stupid because I'm going down the same road yet again that I know leads to a horrible place? I used to think so. Sometimes I still do. But feeling this way will only allow me to wallow in self pity and stay this course rather than going back to what I know to be best. Healthy eating, no sugar, no whites, exercise.
On a more positive note, I've signed up for my first 5k!!!!! I'm so excited. It is a walk/run, and I will be walking. My sister plans to sign up as well, and the registration fee is given to the American Cancer Society. My plan is to make this the first of many. I hope that this will be a step in the right direction to help motivate me to continue with healthy habits rather than self destructive ones.
As my blog title implies, this is a journey. I still have quite a bit more weight to lose, but more importantly I still have quite a way to go emotionally. Once I reach a healthy weight, I realize that the journey is not over. This will be a life long journey that I will take one food choice at a time. I'm not going to give up.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Breakfast foods?
I've been making an effort to eat more protein at breakfast. (Specifically, at least 20 grams) This seems to be working well. It's very filling and it seems to last awhile, not to mention it reduces cravings by stabilizing blood sugar.
I'm a creature of habit, so eating the same thing for breakfast every day for a while is fine with me. Eventually, I get sick of that though. I've been eating two veggie sausage patties on a whole grain bun and a carton of low carb yogurt. This has about 28 grams of protein and 350 calories.
In searching for some other breakfast ideas, I've experimented with 0% fat greek yogurt. It is a "super food" with a ton of protein and many health benefits. I had never tried greet yogurt until very recently. I don't hate it, but I can't say I really like it very much. I'm hoping to find a way to fix it that I like though; specifically for breakfast. So far, the only variation I've really liked was a mexican veggie dip with greek yogurt, salsa and taco seasoning, and that isn't very appealing at breakfast!
I've tried mixing greek yogurt with chopped apples, cinnamon, and almonds. I've also tried it with pineapple. I don't really like the tart/sour taste of the yogurt. Any ideas? Also - any ideas for a protein rich breakfast that doesn't involve eggs? (I hate eggs. Yuck.)
I'm a creature of habit, so eating the same thing for breakfast every day for a while is fine with me. Eventually, I get sick of that though. I've been eating two veggie sausage patties on a whole grain bun and a carton of low carb yogurt. This has about 28 grams of protein and 350 calories.
In searching for some other breakfast ideas, I've experimented with 0% fat greek yogurt. It is a "super food" with a ton of protein and many health benefits. I had never tried greet yogurt until very recently. I don't hate it, but I can't say I really like it very much. I'm hoping to find a way to fix it that I like though; specifically for breakfast. So far, the only variation I've really liked was a mexican veggie dip with greek yogurt, salsa and taco seasoning, and that isn't very appealing at breakfast!
I've tried mixing greek yogurt with chopped apples, cinnamon, and almonds. I've also tried it with pineapple. I don't really like the tart/sour taste of the yogurt. Any ideas? Also - any ideas for a protein rich breakfast that doesn't involve eggs? (I hate eggs. Yuck.)
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
making the choice to fight
After I posted this morning, I made the choice to fight. I left my debit card, credit card, and cash at home when I left for work. No money, no food. I ate healthy at breakfast and lunch. No sugar, no "whites", plenty of protein for fullness and steady blood sugar. This afternoon/evening I will take care of all of the chores I need to do around the house, go for a long walk, and eat a healthy dinner.
I've always liked the quote "insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results." Today, I choose to be sane (at least with eating!).
I've always liked the quote "insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results." Today, I choose to be sane (at least with eating!).
Am I really fighting?
Sometimes I think I'm trying to fool myself when I tell myself that I'm fighting cravings. After I posted last night, I ate. And ate. And ate. I didn't eat sugar, well other than one of my daughter's Fiber One bars, simply because there's none in the house. However, I ate everything I could find with natural sugar. Fruit Spread on bread (whole grain at least), raisins, a salad with mainly cheese (fat as a substitute perhaps?)
Yes, the amount of food was smaller than binges of the past. Yes, I basically avoided sugar. However, I was still using food for something other than fuel which is a dangerous slippery slope into the pit of food hell.
If I'm completely honest with myself, there is a part of me that is considering buying sugary crap today. The same sugary crap that I've been craving for the last few days. I know it's not worth it. I know that if I start it will lead to more and more sugar. But the addiction monster lies to me and tells me "it will only be this once."
Monday, March 26, 2012
white foods
I haven't had sugar since February 17, and my cravings have almost disappeared. Until today. Well - actually a few days ago was when they reappeared but today has been worse. There are several specific foods I've been thinking about. I've tried to quickly change my thought process rather than dwelling on food that I know will do harm.
I'm trying to figure out why today was worse. I did have a small amount of white pasta at lunch today. It was an organic frozen dinner, and I didn't read the ingredients carefully. (I don't really like eating processed foods, but I do eat them at lunch more than I probably should. It's a quick, calorie controlled way to eat at work.) Anyway, the meal had white pasta rather than whole wheat as I'd thought. It was a small portion, but perhaps it was enough to bother me.
I tried quinoa for the first time tonight. The recipe was simple; quinoa and white beans. It was ok, but nothing special. I think if I try it again I need to adjust the seasonings. It was a bit bland.
Forgive my ignorance, but isn't quinoa a "brown" food rather than a "white"? If so, I assume that the white pasta is the culprit. I've examined the emotions that sometimes cause cravings, and none of those seem to be the problem.
It's amazing how such a small amount of a "white" food can make such a big difference! Is this your experience? Or does a small amount make an even bigger difference when your body isn't accustomed to it?
I'm trying to figure out why today was worse. I did have a small amount of white pasta at lunch today. It was an organic frozen dinner, and I didn't read the ingredients carefully. (I don't really like eating processed foods, but I do eat them at lunch more than I probably should. It's a quick, calorie controlled way to eat at work.) Anyway, the meal had white pasta rather than whole wheat as I'd thought. It was a small portion, but perhaps it was enough to bother me.
I tried quinoa for the first time tonight. The recipe was simple; quinoa and white beans. It was ok, but nothing special. I think if I try it again I need to adjust the seasonings. It was a bit bland.
Forgive my ignorance, but isn't quinoa a "brown" food rather than a "white"? If so, I assume that the white pasta is the culprit. I've examined the emotions that sometimes cause cravings, and none of those seem to be the problem.
It's amazing how such a small amount of a "white" food can make such a big difference! Is this your experience? Or does a small amount make an even bigger difference when your body isn't accustomed to it?
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Peace in the Valley
Do you remember that old song?
"There'll be peace in the valley for me someday,
There'll be peace in the valley for me.
I pray no more sorrow and sadness or trouble will be,
There'll be peace in the valley for me."
"There'll be peace in the valley for me someday,
There'll be peace in the valley for me.
I pray no more sorrow and sadness or trouble will be,
There'll be peace in the valley for me."
Over the years, I've prayed for peace more times than I can count. Peace from an eating disorder/sugar addiction. Peace from the constant tug of war of dysfunctional eating patterns and habits. Peace and relief from yo-yo dieting. Peace and happiness can't be found in food, in a bottle, through drugs, gambling, excessive shopping.....nothing material. This peace can only be found in God.
For some reason this song came to mind today. I don't even really like the song that much, so I'm not sure why. I began thinking about peace.....the peace that I've had with food recently. I long for this to remain, and I need to be constantly aware of the choices that effect this.
Then I began wondering why the lyrics talk about peace in the valley. After all.....valleys describe the low, difficult places in life. Why isn't the song about peace on the mountain tops? You know - those times when everything is smooth sailing? The bills are paid, the kids are healthy, the job is secure? Duh!! What a silly question! Of course we long for peace in the valley! That's when we need it!
Have you been able to find peace in your valley?
Friday, March 16, 2012
busy week!
Wow! This week has been very busy, but things are going well in the area of food and exercise. I took Monday off because my daughter got her braces off. After the appointment, I took her to her favorite place for lunch - Panera. I love Panera too, and it is possible to make relatively healthy choices there. (As long as you avoid the baked goods!!!!) I chose the pick two, and got ham on whole wheat with lettuce tomato and spicy mustard along with a grilled chicken caesar salad with light ranch dressing. Yum!
I've been a bit stressed about some issues with my son, but it hasn't caused me to stray from healthy eating. It can be so difficult to have an adult child at home! He will be 20 at the end of this month. He is such a great guy, and I'm proud of him. He's working part time and taking classes at our local community college. He plans to transfer to a physical therapy assistant program (hopefully) in fall of 2013. College has been tough for him. I've seen him mature quite a bit in the last year or so, though. It is so difficult to balance allowing him to make his own choices and deal with the subsequent consequences, and assisting him when/if we think he needs some guidance.
On another subject, an area that I thought would be extremely difficult for me hasn't been so far and I hope it stays that way! Easter candy. Sigh. The candy that is offered at Easter is probably the most tempting for me than any other holiday. There are certain things that you can only find at Easter. I won't even start naming them or else I will drool on the computer.
My strategy is as follows: if in a store that offers Easter candy, DON'T GO DOWN THE AISLE!!!! With the exception of a few things for my daughter and the Easter bunny that I buy for my sweet hubby every year, I don't need to buy Easter candy. Therefore, why torture myself by going down the aisle? When I do purchase the items for my daughter and husband, if I think I need to I will ask my son to go with me for accountability. If I'm certain that I'll be ok, I'll still wait until the last minute to buy the items so they're not in the house.
Part 2 of operation avoid Easter candy is a continuation of my recent habit of leaving the bank card that I use for the majority of my purchases at home. No random stops for chocolate. This has been helping, so I'll stick with this.
Part 3, and probably most important, is remembering the significance of Easter. Easter is not about candy and bunnies. Easter is about the fact that God sent his son here to this earth to die for my sins. He was crucified, then was buried. He arose, and is alive today!!!! Makes candy seem rather insignificant, doesn't it?
I've been a bit stressed about some issues with my son, but it hasn't caused me to stray from healthy eating. It can be so difficult to have an adult child at home! He will be 20 at the end of this month. He is such a great guy, and I'm proud of him. He's working part time and taking classes at our local community college. He plans to transfer to a physical therapy assistant program (hopefully) in fall of 2013. College has been tough for him. I've seen him mature quite a bit in the last year or so, though. It is so difficult to balance allowing him to make his own choices and deal with the subsequent consequences, and assisting him when/if we think he needs some guidance.
On another subject, an area that I thought would be extremely difficult for me hasn't been so far and I hope it stays that way! Easter candy. Sigh. The candy that is offered at Easter is probably the most tempting for me than any other holiday. There are certain things that you can only find at Easter. I won't even start naming them or else I will drool on the computer.
My strategy is as follows: if in a store that offers Easter candy, DON'T GO DOWN THE AISLE!!!! With the exception of a few things for my daughter and the Easter bunny that I buy for my sweet hubby every year, I don't need to buy Easter candy. Therefore, why torture myself by going down the aisle? When I do purchase the items for my daughter and husband, if I think I need to I will ask my son to go with me for accountability. If I'm certain that I'll be ok, I'll still wait until the last minute to buy the items so they're not in the house.
Part 2 of operation avoid Easter candy is a continuation of my recent habit of leaving the bank card that I use for the majority of my purchases at home. No random stops for chocolate. This has been helping, so I'll stick with this.
Part 3, and probably most important, is remembering the significance of Easter. Easter is not about candy and bunnies. Easter is about the fact that God sent his son here to this earth to die for my sins. He was crucified, then was buried. He arose, and is alive today!!!! Makes candy seem rather insignificant, doesn't it?
Saturday, March 10, 2012
15 pounds gone!!!
I've lost 15 pounds in the past four weeks!!! After my recent gain, I actually thought it would take much longer for the weight to come off. I assume the speed at which I was able to lose was due to water weight, etc. Regardless of the reason, I'm very happy that I've lost 15 of the 21 pounds I gained.
Since the weight is coming off, and most importantly to me, I'm not having the incessant overwhelming sugar cravings that I dealt with during December and January I'm going to continue with the new habits I've made.
I tweaked my plan (low fat, low/no sugar, no "whites") a bit based on "Potatoes Not Prozac" by Kathleen DesMaisons, which I've found to be an excellent resource on sugar addiction.
Here is a quick look at my current plan:
1. Eat breakfast with protein. (also add a complex carb, eat within an hour of waking, and never skip breakfast)
2. Eat three meals a day that include protein. (I know many people feel that six mini meals are best. For the addict in me, eating more than three times a day causes problems. That's just three more meals a day to have difficulty saying "no" when I'm full)
3. I added Vitamin C, Vitamin B complex and Zinc to my existing Vitamins, which were Vitamin D and Calcium.
4. Eat a potato about 1 hour before bedtime. (This increases the serotonin in your brain)
That's my plan in a nutshell. Sounds fairly simple, doesn't it? Of course, there are other details but these are the main components I suppose. It's pretty obvious that cutting out sugar tremendously cuts down on cravings, but how does some of these other aspects of the plan help? Apparently it's all about biochemistry for sugar addicts. All I know right now is, it's working so I'm staying with it.
Since the weight is coming off, and most importantly to me, I'm not having the incessant overwhelming sugar cravings that I dealt with during December and January I'm going to continue with the new habits I've made.
I tweaked my plan (low fat, low/no sugar, no "whites") a bit based on "Potatoes Not Prozac" by Kathleen DesMaisons, which I've found to be an excellent resource on sugar addiction.
Here is a quick look at my current plan:
1. Eat breakfast with protein. (also add a complex carb, eat within an hour of waking, and never skip breakfast)
2. Eat three meals a day that include protein. (I know many people feel that six mini meals are best. For the addict in me, eating more than three times a day causes problems. That's just three more meals a day to have difficulty saying "no" when I'm full)
3. I added Vitamin C, Vitamin B complex and Zinc to my existing Vitamins, which were Vitamin D and Calcium.
4. Eat a potato about 1 hour before bedtime. (This increases the serotonin in your brain)
That's my plan in a nutshell. Sounds fairly simple, doesn't it? Of course, there are other details but these are the main components I suppose. It's pretty obvious that cutting out sugar tremendously cuts down on cravings, but how does some of these other aspects of the plan help? Apparently it's all about biochemistry for sugar addicts. All I know right now is, it's working so I'm staying with it.
Monday, March 5, 2012
pizza after your workout?
I heard something at work today that astounded me. A local gym offers free pizza on the first Monday of every month. No. I'm not kidding. Are you as astonished by the irony of this as I am? That offer makes no sense to me at all. Why would an establishment that is encouraging good health offer something like that? Is it to ensure that the members stay - either because they like the free pizza or because they eat the pizza then need to work out more?
Why not offer a free massage, free bottled water, free protein shakes (yes, I know they're not all healthy)?
What surprised me almost as much as the free pizza offer was other people's reaction when this was mentioned. As I was lifting my jaw up off the floor, I heard comments like "that's cool" and "wow!". When I began expressing my dismay, the response was "well, you don't have to eat it if you don't want to" or "you could probably choose a veggie pizza". The person that was sharing this lovely tidbit of news said that the pizza was from a chain that is right beside the gym, and to my knowledge it doesn't have a single healthy option. (Yet another irony....this gym is located in a mall right beside the food court!).
Am I overreacting or is this crazy?
Why not offer a free massage, free bottled water, free protein shakes (yes, I know they're not all healthy)?
What surprised me almost as much as the free pizza offer was other people's reaction when this was mentioned. As I was lifting my jaw up off the floor, I heard comments like "that's cool" and "wow!". When I began expressing my dismay, the response was "well, you don't have to eat it if you don't want to" or "you could probably choose a veggie pizza". The person that was sharing this lovely tidbit of news said that the pizza was from a chain that is right beside the gym, and to my knowledge it doesn't have a single healthy option. (Yet another irony....this gym is located in a mall right beside the food court!).
Am I overreacting or is this crazy?
Friday, March 2, 2012
Too good to be true??
The past two weeks have quite likely been the best weeks I've ever had (in relation to food). The cravings are easily kept at bay. I feel good emotionally, physically and spiritually. I also feel very confidant and optimistic that I can make sugar addiction a part of my past, and a healthy relationship with food a part of my current life and the future. Yes, I am of the opinion that once an addict always an addict. However, I also believe that a person can overcome an addiction and have a lifetime of success at this.
There is still a small part of me that says "you've had similar feelings before." "Do you really think you can maintain sane, healthy habits for the rest of your life?" "Can you avoid sugar for the rest of your life?"
I don't know the answers to these questions. I can only take things one day at a time. Actually, it's more like one food choice at a time. I don't have to decide if I'm going to avoid sugar for the rest of my life. All I have to do at this very minute is make a decision about dinner tonight. And my decision is to treat my body with respect and eat black bean soup, some veggies, and some fruit. Tomorrow morning I only have to decide about breakfast. One food choice at a time.
There is still a small part of me that says "you've had similar feelings before." "Do you really think you can maintain sane, healthy habits for the rest of your life?" "Can you avoid sugar for the rest of your life?"
I don't know the answers to these questions. I can only take things one day at a time. Actually, it's more like one food choice at a time. I don't have to decide if I'm going to avoid sugar for the rest of my life. All I have to do at this very minute is make a decision about dinner tonight. And my decision is to treat my body with respect and eat black bean soup, some veggies, and some fruit. Tomorrow morning I only have to decide about breakfast. One food choice at a time.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
sugar-free sanity
Today marks one week and one day since I've had sugar, and I feel so much better!!! Healthy eating and exercise are now back in my routine. I've continued with the habits that I mentioned adding to my daily routine based on the Sugar Addict's Total Recovery Program.
I feel sane (at least when it comes to food!) and at peace. The cravings have diminished tremendously. The guilt, shame, mood swings and depression have lifted.
Now. The million dollar question. How do I stay here? It would be completely logical to stay in this place. I feel better, my moods are stable, I'm eating enough protein and fiber that I'm not constantly hungry......I can't even begin to describe the difference in my state of mind when I'm not binge eating.
Addiction isn't logical, though. When addiction tries to rear its' ugly head, it reminds you of how good certain foods taste. How enjoyable it is to curl up with a good book or an I Love Lucy marathon and eat junk.
Through a combination of nutrition, exercise, prayer, asking for help when needed, and other healthy resources/habits, I can and will overcome this. Sugar-free sanity is a great home, not simply a temporary vacation spot.
I feel sane (at least when it comes to food!) and at peace. The cravings have diminished tremendously. The guilt, shame, mood swings and depression have lifted.
Now. The million dollar question. How do I stay here? It would be completely logical to stay in this place. I feel better, my moods are stable, I'm eating enough protein and fiber that I'm not constantly hungry......I can't even begin to describe the difference in my state of mind when I'm not binge eating.
Addiction isn't logical, though. When addiction tries to rear its' ugly head, it reminds you of how good certain foods taste. How enjoyable it is to curl up with a good book or an I Love Lucy marathon and eat junk.
Through a combination of nutrition, exercise, prayer, asking for help when needed, and other healthy resources/habits, I can and will overcome this. Sugar-free sanity is a great home, not simply a temporary vacation spot.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
ice cream
I think I've mentioned before that my daughter loves ice cream. One of her favorite gifts to receive is a gift card to Cold Stone Creamery. She received several of these for her birthday and for Christmas, so I take her there every few weeks or so.
Yesterday, I promised I would take her there after her orthodontist appointment this afternoon. I wasn't really worried about taking her there; she knows that I haven't been eating sugar so I knew that I wouldn't be tempted to purchase ice cream for myself.
I've actually never purchased anything there. Cold Stone is relatively new to our area, and I feel that there prices are rather high. Before I began this journey I didn't go there because they were expensive. Now I don't buy anything because I don't eat sugar.
That doesn't mean that it isn't difficult going in there, though. Just because I haven't eaten there before doesn't mean that I can't imagine what everything tastes like. This visit was made harder by the fact that in recent weeks when I was binge eating, ice cream became a regular purchase.
I could have waited in the car, but my daughter likes me to go in with her. (She's not particularly shy, but for some reason when ordering at restaurants, etc. she tends to prefer that I do it for her. ) I almost immediately began the pity party. You know the drill...."this isn't fair" "why can't I be normal" "why can't I eat ice cream" "why do I have to deprive myself".
I tried to quickly switch my thought process to a healthier direction. I'm not depriving myself....I'm treating my body with respect. Maybe it's not fair....but I have plenty of blessings in my life to be upset about not eating sugar. It's hard though.
How do you change your thought process when you feel deprived?
Yesterday, I promised I would take her there after her orthodontist appointment this afternoon. I wasn't really worried about taking her there; she knows that I haven't been eating sugar so I knew that I wouldn't be tempted to purchase ice cream for myself.
I've actually never purchased anything there. Cold Stone is relatively new to our area, and I feel that there prices are rather high. Before I began this journey I didn't go there because they were expensive. Now I don't buy anything because I don't eat sugar.
That doesn't mean that it isn't difficult going in there, though. Just because I haven't eaten there before doesn't mean that I can't imagine what everything tastes like. This visit was made harder by the fact that in recent weeks when I was binge eating, ice cream became a regular purchase.
I could have waited in the car, but my daughter likes me to go in with her. (She's not particularly shy, but for some reason when ordering at restaurants, etc. she tends to prefer that I do it for her. ) I almost immediately began the pity party. You know the drill...."this isn't fair" "why can't I be normal" "why can't I eat ice cream" "why do I have to deprive myself".
I tried to quickly switch my thought process to a healthier direction. I'm not depriving myself....I'm treating my body with respect. Maybe it's not fair....but I have plenty of blessings in my life to be upset about not eating sugar. It's hard though.
How do you change your thought process when you feel deprived?
Saturday, February 18, 2012
eating disorder and sugar addiction
Yesterday didn't go well - I binged on sugar. It's over now, and I'm moving on. I asked my husband to go grocery shopping with me this morning so I wouldn't buy junk that I shouldn't. Taking such an action, which is likely logical and simple to others, is a foreign concept to me. I don't like asking for help. I don't like facing the reality of sugar addiction. Even if I comprehend that sugar addiction is real, I feel like others don't.
I had a long talk with my husband this morning, and it helped tremendously. While he can't relate to food issues, he's watched me struggle long enough that he understands more than I thought he did.
I've known for many years that I have binge eating disorder. I diagnosed it myself before I was ever "officially" diagnosed. For the most part, I fit the textbook definition. However, over the years I've always thought that there was some elusive aspect of my struggles that didn't make sense. Yes, I could somewhat understand that an eating disorder isn't about the food. "It's not about what you're eating, it's about what's eating you" makes sense to me. But only to a certain point. I've always felt that there was something different about me. When I'd read about BED and someone's trigger foods, I didn't understand why their list was so much shorter than mine. Perhaps their trigger foods were 3-5 items. If I were to list my trigger foods, the pages would likely rival the number of pages in War and Peace!!
In this way, it was about the food. I love food. Especially sweets, breads, and cheese. I could never quite understand how, if an eating disorder wasn't about food, why I would binge at times where there were seemingly none of the "normal" triggers. I wasn't sad, bored, lonely, anxious, etc. Then I concluded that I was probably just severely in denial.
Now that I'm finally comprehending that sugar addiction is real, and not a figment of my imagination, I feel that I can move forward!! It's not my fault! My brain chemistry may be a bit kooky, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I am not weak. I am not severely lacking in will power. My ability to say no to sugar is simply broken. There are ways to overcome this brokenness, and I intend to find them.
I had a long talk with my husband this morning, and it helped tremendously. While he can't relate to food issues, he's watched me struggle long enough that he understands more than I thought he did.
I've known for many years that I have binge eating disorder. I diagnosed it myself before I was ever "officially" diagnosed. For the most part, I fit the textbook definition. However, over the years I've always thought that there was some elusive aspect of my struggles that didn't make sense. Yes, I could somewhat understand that an eating disorder isn't about the food. "It's not about what you're eating, it's about what's eating you" makes sense to me. But only to a certain point. I've always felt that there was something different about me. When I'd read about BED and someone's trigger foods, I didn't understand why their list was so much shorter than mine. Perhaps their trigger foods were 3-5 items. If I were to list my trigger foods, the pages would likely rival the number of pages in War and Peace!!
In this way, it was about the food. I love food. Especially sweets, breads, and cheese. I could never quite understand how, if an eating disorder wasn't about food, why I would binge at times where there were seemingly none of the "normal" triggers. I wasn't sad, bored, lonely, anxious, etc. Then I concluded that I was probably just severely in denial.
Now that I'm finally comprehending that sugar addiction is real, and not a figment of my imagination, I feel that I can move forward!! It's not my fault! My brain chemistry may be a bit kooky, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I am not weak. I am not severely lacking in will power. My ability to say no to sugar is simply broken. There are ways to overcome this brokenness, and I intend to find them.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
potatoes??
I'm continuing to eat healthy and exercise. I'm using a pedometer to track my daily steps as part of the fit challenge at work. I've switched to a higher protein breakfast, and I'm making sure that I eat protein with lunch and dinner to maintain stable blood sugar levels and decrease cravings. I'm not eating refined sugar or white flour. I was doing most of this before my recent relapse, but I'm getting back into the swing of things. As mentioned earlier, I've also added certain vitamins to my daily routine as recommended by "The Sugar Addict's Total Recovery Program."
I'm also trying one more recommendation from the book. I've struggled with taking this step, because I'm skeptical. About three hours after dinner and one hour before bedtime, I'm eating a white potato with the skin. Yes, a white potato. The reason for doing this is to increase the serotonin levels in your brain. Here's the explanation on the web site (www.radiantrecovery.com)
The potato creates an insulin response that effects the movement of the amino acid tryptophan from your blood into your brain. Your body uses tryptophan to make serotonin, the brain chemical that makes you feel mellow and happy. Serotonin also helps you to "just say no" to sweets and other things by putting the brakes on your impulsivity.
In some ways, eating a white potato every day sounds too simplistic to help. In other ways, it seems like a crazy thing to do when I'm avoiding refined carbs. However, the research in the book and the credentials of the author are persuasive, so I'm giving it a try.
Has anyone else tried this? Any feedback?
I'm also trying one more recommendation from the book. I've struggled with taking this step, because I'm skeptical. About three hours after dinner and one hour before bedtime, I'm eating a white potato with the skin. Yes, a white potato. The reason for doing this is to increase the serotonin levels in your brain. Here's the explanation on the web site (www.radiantrecovery.com)
The potato creates an insulin response that effects the movement of the amino acid tryptophan from your blood into your brain. Your body uses tryptophan to make serotonin, the brain chemical that makes you feel mellow and happy. Serotonin also helps you to "just say no" to sweets and other things by putting the brakes on your impulsivity.
In some ways, eating a white potato every day sounds too simplistic to help. In other ways, it seems like a crazy thing to do when I'm avoiding refined carbs. However, the research in the book and the credentials of the author are persuasive, so I'm giving it a try.
Has anyone else tried this? Any feedback?
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
tips for overcoming temptation
I've had some trouble with cravings today, but I have not given in!!!!!! I noticed that there didn't seem to be near as many treats at work as I expected on Valentine's Day. Perhaps this is due to the fit challenge. I don't really care why - I just know that it made my day easier! I saw a few cupcakes, which made me long for sugar. I immediately stopped those thoughts in their tracks by reminding myself that it just isn't worth it. A few minutes of pleasure isn't worth the pain.
A tip I read in a book recently said to "play the tape to the end". (Anyone remember tapes? Wow. that seems so long ago.) This means that rather than focusing on how good something will taste, and how good it might make you feel temporarily, it is best to remember how you will feel after eating it. Another recommendation I've read is that when you first have a craving, immediately tell yourself that you will not succumb to the temptation. As soon as you begin that "should I or shouldn't I" conversation in your head, your chances of giving in and eating the food increase exponentially.
Along with that idea, it was mentioned that you should have certain rules in place. Apparently our brain responds better to rules than vague thoughts. For example, if craving ice cream your thought process could be "I don't eat sugar" rather than "I shouldn't eat ice cream because it's bad for me." Not sure what I think about this particular recommendation yet. Any thoughts?
A tip I read in a book recently said to "play the tape to the end". (Anyone remember tapes? Wow. that seems so long ago.) This means that rather than focusing on how good something will taste, and how good it might make you feel temporarily, it is best to remember how you will feel after eating it. Another recommendation I've read is that when you first have a craving, immediately tell yourself that you will not succumb to the temptation. As soon as you begin that "should I or shouldn't I" conversation in your head, your chances of giving in and eating the food increase exponentially.
Along with that idea, it was mentioned that you should have certain rules in place. Apparently our brain responds better to rules than vague thoughts. For example, if craving ice cream your thought process could be "I don't eat sugar" rather than "I shouldn't eat ice cream because it's bad for me." Not sure what I think about this particular recommendation yet. Any thoughts?
Monday, February 13, 2012
turned the corner
Today has been so much better. I've turned the corner and am back into a sane, healthy world. This is what I've done to begin healing from the abuse that I've put my body through over the past few weeks. Actually, months if I'm honest with myself.
*I vented to my son and my husband this weekend about my sugar addiction.
*I admitted to my husband how much money I've been spending on my addiction. He already knew, though. Somehow I thought I was hiding it.
*I began modifying my healthy eating plan to incorporate some of the recommendations in "The Sugar Addict's Total Recovery Program". (increased my protein intake at breakfast, added Vitamins C, B complex and Zinc to my daily vitamins)
*No refined sugar today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Today was the first day of the Fit Challenge at work. I wore my pedometer. I also discussed healthy choices on several occasions with co-workers. It's nice to be in this together!
*I walked about 40 minutes with my sister.
*A friend at work was very encouraging to me. She reminded me that I've come too far to give up!
*My husband send a bouquet of beautiful roses to work!! This made my day. I've never had a flower delivery before, and this was particularly special because he knew that I've had a really rough few weeks and I needed some encouragement.
*I turned over the bank card that I usually use for purchases to my husband. I have an emergency card in my wallet, but it is for an account that we keep extremely limited funds in. Since I seldom, if ever, keep cash with me the lack of the bank card will mean that I don't have money to buy junk food.
Will keep you posted on more healthy choices!
*I vented to my son and my husband this weekend about my sugar addiction.
*I admitted to my husband how much money I've been spending on my addiction. He already knew, though. Somehow I thought I was hiding it.
*I began modifying my healthy eating plan to incorporate some of the recommendations in "The Sugar Addict's Total Recovery Program". (increased my protein intake at breakfast, added Vitamins C, B complex and Zinc to my daily vitamins)
*No refined sugar today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Today was the first day of the Fit Challenge at work. I wore my pedometer. I also discussed healthy choices on several occasions with co-workers. It's nice to be in this together!
*I walked about 40 minutes with my sister.
*A friend at work was very encouraging to me. She reminded me that I've come too far to give up!
*My husband send a bouquet of beautiful roses to work!! This made my day. I've never had a flower delivery before, and this was particularly special because he knew that I've had a really rough few weeks and I needed some encouragement.
*I turned over the bank card that I usually use for purchases to my husband. I have an emergency card in my wallet, but it is for an account that we keep extremely limited funds in. Since I seldom, if ever, keep cash with me the lack of the bank card will mean that I don't have money to buy junk food.
Will keep you posted on more healthy choices!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
up 19 pounds???!!!!?????!!!!
I got on the scale this morning. I heard it groan. I really hadn't planned on weighing in, because I know that often doing so when I'm in the midst of sugar hell will just depress me further resulting in eating more. However, I'm beginning a fit challenge at work on Monday, so I need to know what I'm dealing with. I have gained 19 pounds in less than a month. Nineteen pounds. How is that even possible?? ok. that's a silly question. I know how it's possible. There is only one way to gain that much weight in such a short period. Binge eating.
I'm actually glad I weighed in. Rather than making me depressed, it gave me a much needed reality check. I need to face what I'm doing to be body by giving in to sugar addiction.
I will stop the progression into the sugary pit from hell. I have divorced Ben & Jerry. I have ended my love affair with Oreo and Chips Ahoy. I'm moving back into sanity with low fat, no refined sugar, healthy foods. Exercise will move back into my normal routine. I'm done feeding into this addiction. Pun intended. :)
I'm actually glad I weighed in. Rather than making me depressed, it gave me a much needed reality check. I need to face what I'm doing to be body by giving in to sugar addiction.
I will stop the progression into the sugary pit from hell. I have divorced Ben & Jerry. I have ended my love affair with Oreo and Chips Ahoy. I'm moving back into sanity with low fat, no refined sugar, healthy foods. Exercise will move back into my normal routine. I'm done feeding into this addiction. Pun intended. :)
Thursday, February 9, 2012
changes to help with sugar addiction and lagging motivation
I recently read a phenomenal book. If you know or have ever suspected that you may be addicted to sugar, I highly recommend reading "The Sugar Addict's Total Recovery Program" by Kathleen DesMaisons. I've known for many years that I have binge eating disorder, but it's only very recently that I've recognized/admitted to myself that I'm addicted to sugar and this is likely what my eating disorder is all about. Actually, I've probably known this for quite sometime but didn't really put it into words. After all, addiction is such a strong term! It's used to describe dependance on far more serious things like alcohol and drugs, right? On the other hand, it can be used flippantly in conversation when talking about being "addicted" to reality shows, Monolo Blahnik's, and other things.
To read about actual scientific studies that show that some people are particularly sensitive to sugar and their brain chemistry is wired differently validates my thoughts on the matter. It is somewhat freeing to think that my problems are not my fault, and are not simply reflective of a character defect or lack of willpower. However, I have to be extremely careful not to use this as an excuse. Sugar addiction may not be my fault, but I take entire responsibility for the choices I make and what I do about it.
The book give concrete steps to follow to help, and I intend to tweak my current plan to see if that will help. I've still been eating sugar daily, so detox will be painful. I'll share more on the changes in the coming weeks.
Two other positive steps I'm taking to get back on track involve a fit challenge at work, and participating in Girls on the Run with my nieces. The fit challenge at work is set up to provide motivation based on competition in areas such as exercise, fitness, taking more steps in a day, etc. This begins on Monday, so I'll being wearing a pedometer to track my daily steps and exercising again for my own benefit and so I don't let my team mates down.
Girls on the Run is a program that encourages healthy habits in young girls such as good self esteem and exercise. My sister and I will be walking/jogging while my nieces run and we will help out the leader as needed. This is twice a week, so I know that at the very least I'll be walking 2+ miles these two days.
Forward we go!
To read about actual scientific studies that show that some people are particularly sensitive to sugar and their brain chemistry is wired differently validates my thoughts on the matter. It is somewhat freeing to think that my problems are not my fault, and are not simply reflective of a character defect or lack of willpower. However, I have to be extremely careful not to use this as an excuse. Sugar addiction may not be my fault, but I take entire responsibility for the choices I make and what I do about it.
The book give concrete steps to follow to help, and I intend to tweak my current plan to see if that will help. I've still been eating sugar daily, so detox will be painful. I'll share more on the changes in the coming weeks.
Two other positive steps I'm taking to get back on track involve a fit challenge at work, and participating in Girls on the Run with my nieces. The fit challenge at work is set up to provide motivation based on competition in areas such as exercise, fitness, taking more steps in a day, etc. This begins on Monday, so I'll being wearing a pedometer to track my daily steps and exercising again for my own benefit and so I don't let my team mates down.
Girls on the Run is a program that encourages healthy habits in young girls such as good self esteem and exercise. My sister and I will be walking/jogging while my nieces run and we will help out the leader as needed. This is twice a week, so I know that at the very least I'll be walking 2+ miles these two days.
Forward we go!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
standard american diet
The standard american diet (SAD) is mentioned quite a bit in literature, blogs etc. It definitely isn't healthy, and our general lack of knowledge and lack of concern about nutrition is disturbing. I thought of this today while at the grocery store. While I was in line waiting to purchase my items, I noticed a gentleman ahead of me with two shopping carts full of items. I overheard him mention to the cashier that he was purchasing the items for a local pre-school. What was he purchasing? Loaf after loaf of white bread. Cookies. Instant mashed potatoes. I didn't examine the entire contents of his two shopping carts, but I didn't see a single healthy item.
Why is this the norm? Why wasn't he purchasing whole wheat bread and fruit? Is the assumption that kids won't eat whole wheat bread or fruit?
We all need to take full responsibility for our choices, but it can be so difficult to make healthy choices when surrounded by foods that are full of fat, sugar, and salt. Let's face it.....for most of us these types of foods are very appealing. Even if we know that we will regret eating these after the fact, the immediate gratification is so tempting.
As I mentioned before, I live in an area that has one of the largest populations of obese people in the country. Are other areas like this? Do some of you live in areas where most people eat healthy and exercise?
On another note, I have continued to eat crap this week. I've made horrible choices. I've made regular stops at the grocery store for cookies, ice cream and other junk food. I'm once again bingeing in secret and hiding the evidence. This is a dangerous trend that is quickly becoming a habit. I'm having difficulty finding the motivation and desire to get back on a healthy track. I can't seem to look past the immediate gratification of eating sugar and see the long list of negative ramifications. I haven't thrown in the towel yet, though. I can do this.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
important "peace" of advice
When I'm battling the demons of disordered eating, I long for peace. To make peace with food, the inner struggles with disordered eating patterns, obsessive thoughts, compulsive eating, and the resulting despair, shame and guilt.
Peace can not be found in food. Food is fuel, and should be treated as such. Food is not love, it doesn't effectively soothe anxiety, depression or loneliness. It may temporarily improve mood, but this is only a fleeting side effect.
True peace and joy can only be found in God. When my focus is on Him, everything else will fall into place.
Peace can not be found in food. Food is fuel, and should be treated as such. Food is not love, it doesn't effectively soothe anxiety, depression or loneliness. It may temporarily improve mood, but this is only a fleeting side effect.
True peace and joy can only be found in God. When my focus is on Him, everything else will fall into place.
Fierce determination
This week I've made poor choices. I've eaten a lot of junk and I haven't exercised. After days of doing this, I've finally reached the point where I truly want to get back on track. I want to get back into my healthy routine. I don't feel good, I have no energy, my skin is reacting with more acne breakouts....ugh.
If you don't struggle with binge eating/compulsive overeating, I'm sure it's hard to understand how someone can repeat the same behaviors over and over again while receiving little to no incentive for doing so. Weight loss and maintenance is simple. Eat healthy and exercise. However, it's not easy. If it were, then everyone would be skinny and the weight loss industry would be non-existant. Combine low self esteem, anxiety/depression, the addictive quality of sugar/fat/salt, and easy access to such foods and you have the perfect binge eating disorder cocktail.
Even when I'm not motivated to get out of the pit, I need to be determined. Fiercely determined to overcome. Failure isn't falling.....it's not getting back up. Today, this very minute, I choose to get back up.
If you don't struggle with binge eating/compulsive overeating, I'm sure it's hard to understand how someone can repeat the same behaviors over and over again while receiving little to no incentive for doing so. Weight loss and maintenance is simple. Eat healthy and exercise. However, it's not easy. If it were, then everyone would be skinny and the weight loss industry would be non-existant. Combine low self esteem, anxiety/depression, the addictive quality of sugar/fat/salt, and easy access to such foods and you have the perfect binge eating disorder cocktail.
Even when I'm not motivated to get out of the pit, I need to be determined. Fiercely determined to overcome. Failure isn't falling.....it's not getting back up. Today, this very minute, I choose to get back up.
Friday, January 27, 2012
rambling thoughts
Why do I sometimes fall back into old habits? Why, when I know that there is a risky time on the road ahead, do I purposefully sabotage my healthy plans? Why do I take the all or nothing approach that is common among dieters/ binge eaters/ those with eating disorders to a whole new level? Why does this further level include a 180 degree turn from healthy eating/exercising/reading materials that involve health and wellness/taking vitamins to eating junk food/no exercise/no vitamins/can't stand reading fitness magazines/the thought of eating healthy food is completely unappealing? Why is it that I am frugal when spending money on clothing, make-up, items for the house, etc., but I don't give a second thought to spending money on junk food? Why am I appalled when grapes are $1.99 a pound but, when bingeing on junk food, I don't bat an eyelash at $4.99 for a pint of Ben & Jerry's?
What reward do I receive from unhealthy habits?
*the first few bites taste really good
What reward do I receive when I make healthy choices?
*I feel good.
*I enjoy the taste of healthy, whole foods such as fruits and veggies.
*My emotions are more stable.
*There is no guilt.
*I focus on non food related activities that I enjoy such as reading, praying, spending time with my family.
*I'm not distracted by food....I can concentrate when I'm talking to my husband on the phone rather than thinking of the next bite of sugar laden food.
*I look better.
*It is easier to purchase attractive clothing.
*I can take pride in accomplishments such as meeting food, fitness, and weight loss goals.
*Once I haven't consumed sugar for 3 or 4 days, I generally don't crave it.
*My energy level is higher.
*I sleep better.
I could probably continue listing the rewards that are involved when healthy choices are made, but it's late and I'm getting tired. I've made poor choices this week, and I'm trying to examine all of this a bit. It's painful, but necessary.
What reward do I receive from unhealthy habits?
*the first few bites taste really good
What reward do I receive when I make healthy choices?
*I feel good.
*I enjoy the taste of healthy, whole foods such as fruits and veggies.
*My emotions are more stable.
*There is no guilt.
*I focus on non food related activities that I enjoy such as reading, praying, spending time with my family.
*I'm not distracted by food....I can concentrate when I'm talking to my husband on the phone rather than thinking of the next bite of sugar laden food.
*I look better.
*It is easier to purchase attractive clothing.
*I can take pride in accomplishments such as meeting food, fitness, and weight loss goals.
*Once I haven't consumed sugar for 3 or 4 days, I generally don't crave it.
*My energy level is higher.
*I sleep better.
I could probably continue listing the rewards that are involved when healthy choices are made, but it's late and I'm getting tired. I've made poor choices this week, and I'm trying to examine all of this a bit. It's painful, but necessary.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
ups and downs
The first two days of my vacation have been really nice. I've spent time with my mom, spent time with a friend, got some new makeup, and I've done some things around the house that I've been neglecting. Food and exercise started out ok, but quickly went downhill.
If I'm being completely honest with myself, while a part of me was planning lots of non-food related things to do and purchasing healthy foods to make sure that they were readily available, etc. another part of me was planning a "binge day". I know that makes no sense whatsoever. During the past month or so when I've struggled with junk food, you would think that I would have learned that this no longer holds the appeal that it used to. After the first few bites, the foods don't really taste good. I don't get that "high" any more. The after effects are not good.
Once the binge day idea entered my head, the thoughts became incessant. Rather than waiting until Friday to eat my favorite foods as I had originally planned (rationalizing that it wouldn't do too much damage since I would eat healthy the rest of the week), why not start on Monday? I made a special trip to the store to purchase some things. I did throw away some of what I purchased, but still continued with unhealthy choices today.
I know this might be hard to believe, but I am learning from these "episodes". I'm learning that I don't feel good after I eat junk. I'm learning that I actually prefer healthy foods over processed foods. While the first few bites may taste good, after that it isn't very appealing to continue. The act of bingeing isn't pleasurable. Now - how can I get my brain to remember all of this when the call of sugar and fat begins?
If I'm being completely honest with myself, while a part of me was planning lots of non-food related things to do and purchasing healthy foods to make sure that they were readily available, etc. another part of me was planning a "binge day". I know that makes no sense whatsoever. During the past month or so when I've struggled with junk food, you would think that I would have learned that this no longer holds the appeal that it used to. After the first few bites, the foods don't really taste good. I don't get that "high" any more. The after effects are not good.
Once the binge day idea entered my head, the thoughts became incessant. Rather than waiting until Friday to eat my favorite foods as I had originally planned (rationalizing that it wouldn't do too much damage since I would eat healthy the rest of the week), why not start on Monday? I made a special trip to the store to purchase some things. I did throw away some of what I purchased, but still continued with unhealthy choices today.
I know this might be hard to believe, but I am learning from these "episodes". I'm learning that I don't feel good after I eat junk. I'm learning that I actually prefer healthy foods over processed foods. While the first few bites may taste good, after that it isn't very appealing to continue. The act of bingeing isn't pleasurable. Now - how can I get my brain to remember all of this when the call of sugar and fat begins?
Friday, January 20, 2012
Vacation plans
I'm on vacation next week! I'm not really going anywhere; just taking some vacation time that I'll lose if I don't take before 2/1/12. I have plans to have breakfast with my sister one day, spend some time with my mom, see some friends that I don't get to see very often, read a book or two, shop a little bit, maybe get a haircut ( I need a new "do"), and also spend some time doing some cleaning and organizing that I've been putting off.
I will eat healthy and exercise. I will stay in touch with my accountability partner and post here. I will spend time enjoying non-food related activities. That can be hard for me. When I have extra time, there is just something appealing about curling up with a good book and eating junk food. That's something that I honestly miss. I have to remind myself that I don't miss any of the ramifications of this, though, and that there are plenty of non-food related things that I can derive pleasure from.
I will eat healthy and exercise. I will stay in touch with my accountability partner and post here. I will spend time enjoying non-food related activities. That can be hard for me. When I have extra time, there is just something appealing about curling up with a good book and eating junk food. That's something that I honestly miss. I have to remind myself that I don't miss any of the ramifications of this, though, and that there are plenty of non-food related things that I can derive pleasure from.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
victory over temptation
We had a party at work today. It was Mexican themed and there were lots of yummy, cheesy, fat filled foods. I didn't eat anything; I brought my own healthy lunch. It was hard, though. The smell of cheesy dips and other delightful things made for a difficult day.
I was proactive. I sent a text to my son, and an email to my accountability partner. It also helped that several people commented on my weight loss today. I think more people are noticing because January is weight loss resolution month.
After leaving work, I did not stop at the grocery store to buy binge food. That can be a temptation for me after resisting temptation somewhere public. I overcame the urge, though.
I feel good about today, and proud of my choices!
I was proactive. I sent a text to my son, and an email to my accountability partner. It also helped that several people commented on my weight loss today. I think more people are noticing because January is weight loss resolution month.
After leaving work, I did not stop at the grocery store to buy binge food. That can be a temptation for me after resisting temptation somewhere public. I overcame the urge, though.
I feel good about today, and proud of my choices!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
angry
I'm angry with myself. Yesterday started out very well. I ate healthy, exercised, my stress level wasn't particularly high....all in all a good day. However, I found myself eating mindlessly last night. What a waste of calories and time and energy!!! I don't know why I did it. I wasn't really having cravings to speak of, but I didn't even try to do anything to stop the eating. I did stop before it was too bad, and the food wasn't really unhealthy. But the point is - I ate for a reason other than hunger.
I've moved on, and today has been a great day.
I've moved on, and today has been a great day.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
up 2 pounds
My weight in today reflected a gain of 2 pounds. Actually, I'm quite surprised that it wasn't 5-10 pounds after the overeating I've done during the past month.
I need to be very careful. In my disordered way of thinking, it is easy to say "I ate ALL of that and only gained two pounds??!!! Hmmmm.......a little more junk wouldn't hurt." But it does hurt. It keeps me on an unhealthy path physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
On another note, I read recently that some people find that taking a Glutamine supplement helps with sugar cravings. I'm sure it's not a miracle cure, but I don't think it could hurt. I purchased some today. Has anyone had experience with this?
I need to be very careful. In my disordered way of thinking, it is easy to say "I ate ALL of that and only gained two pounds??!!! Hmmmm.......a little more junk wouldn't hurt." But it does hurt. It keeps me on an unhealthy path physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
On another note, I read recently that some people find that taking a Glutamine supplement helps with sugar cravings. I'm sure it's not a miracle cure, but I don't think it could hurt. I purchased some today. Has anyone had experience with this?
Thursday, January 12, 2012
accountability partner
I was thinking yesterday that it would be nice to have an accountability partner. My son helps me with this a bit, though I feel guilty about that. Even if he is almost 20 years old, he is still my child. I don't want him to feel in any way responsible for my decisions. This blog also holds me accountable. However, another person (or maybe more) would be nice.
I think God has sent me one! I got a sweet email today from a lady at work. I only know her by sight, and I knew her first name but that's about it. She explained that she has been admiring my weight loss, and she needs to lose weight, and she wanted to know how I was doing it. Over the course of several emails, we exchanged numbers and personal email addresses and agreed to be an encouragement to one another and to hold one another accountable.
This was nice, because I doubt that I would have ever reached out to someone like this. I am such a private person. That's why my blog is basically anonymous. I have a really difficult time sharing things with people. I feel that I need to learn how to do that more. In doing so, I would help myself, have more accountability, and perhaps helps others.
I think God has sent me one! I got a sweet email today from a lady at work. I only know her by sight, and I knew her first name but that's about it. She explained that she has been admiring my weight loss, and she needs to lose weight, and she wanted to know how I was doing it. Over the course of several emails, we exchanged numbers and personal email addresses and agreed to be an encouragement to one another and to hold one another accountable.
This was nice, because I doubt that I would have ever reached out to someone like this. I am such a private person. That's why my blog is basically anonymous. I have a really difficult time sharing things with people. I feel that I need to learn how to do that more. In doing so, I would help myself, have more accountability, and perhaps helps others.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
addiction?
addiction: the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
Is it possible to be addicted to food? Or perhaps specific things like sugar, salt and/or fat? I definitely feel enslaved to food, and I hate that. I do feel that it is both psychologically and physically habit forming. Does cessation of sugar/salt/fat cause severe trauma? Hmmm....it sure feels that way sometimes.
I'm still having trouble getting back on track. I'll stick with healthy eating and exercise for a day or two, then overeat for a day or two. I don't want to binge. I don't want to continue gaining back the weight I've lost. I want this to be the last time I lose weight. I want to be healthy. Despite all of this, I still sabotage my efforts? Why do I do this?
Regardless of whether compulsive behavior and/or addiction plays a part, I still take full responsibility for my actions and choices.
I've hit a rough patch, but I refuse to give up. I saw a great quote recently. "Failure isn't what happens when you fall, it's what happens if you don't get back up." I am getting back up.
Is it possible to be addicted to food? Or perhaps specific things like sugar, salt and/or fat? I definitely feel enslaved to food, and I hate that. I do feel that it is both psychologically and physically habit forming. Does cessation of sugar/salt/fat cause severe trauma? Hmmm....it sure feels that way sometimes.
I'm still having trouble getting back on track. I'll stick with healthy eating and exercise for a day or two, then overeat for a day or two. I don't want to binge. I don't want to continue gaining back the weight I've lost. I want this to be the last time I lose weight. I want to be healthy. Despite all of this, I still sabotage my efforts? Why do I do this?
Regardless of whether compulsive behavior and/or addiction plays a part, I still take full responsibility for my actions and choices.
I've hit a rough patch, but I refuse to give up. I saw a great quote recently. "Failure isn't what happens when you fall, it's what happens if you don't get back up." I am getting back up.
Made to crave
Watched a great webcast last night on madetocrave.org. If you have food issues, and you haven't read this book - I highly recommend it!
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Tea party "results"
Food has been much better, so I decided to go to the tea party today. My plan was to eat a few snacks if there were healthy ones available, and to stay away from sweets. I did well! I ate some fruit, nuts, a cucumber finger sandwich on whole wheat, and a few other healthy things. I was really proud of myself. It was a treat, I didn't feel deprived, and I didn't travel along the sugary path to torture.
Fast forward to this evening. I snacked all evening. Not necessarily unhealthy things, but I'm sure I consumed more calories than I should have and I didn't stick with my normal healthy dinner. What's also a negative facet of this is that after a while I wasn't really eating out of hunger, I was eating just for the sake of doing so.
After the party, I was really determined to get straight back on plan. Am I that sensitive to any of the fat and sugar I may have consumed at the party that I didn't even realize? Do I have such an all or nothing mentality than any variation from my normal food plan, even if it's not "cheating", leads to overeating later? Or.....had this event not been so soon after some binges would I have handled things better?
Not sure what the answer is. Will ponder that, because I want this to be a learning experience to draw from in the future.
This week will be busy; my co-worker is on vacation so I will be working more. I'm hoping to use that to my advantage. I'll be too busy to plan binges and I'll be leaving work later so I will not want to stop and buy junk food. Getting home later will making exercise more of a challenge, though. I will overcome!!!!
Friday, January 6, 2012
it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood
Do you remember that silly song from Mr. Rogers? "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood....." I don't even remember the rest. Kind of corny. For some reason that came to mind when I was thinking of a title. Probably because it was about 70 degrees here today!!! Unseasonably warm, and I took advantage of it by walking. If the weather is nice, I typically prefer walking rather than exercising inside with a DVD. This was a nice treat!
Food has continued to be much better. I did have a craving for Oreos today, but I was quickly able to get past that. I'm glad, because I've had a few stressful things going on with my kids. I thought having small children was hard, but I believe that having a teenager and a young adult child is far more stressful!! I'm blessed with great kids, though. It can be hard to know if you're making the right decisions sometimes, regardless of the age of your children. I will not eat my way through these stressful situations, though. That will only make it worse.
Food has continued to be much better. I did have a craving for Oreos today, but I was quickly able to get past that. I'm glad, because I've had a few stressful things going on with my kids. I thought having small children was hard, but I believe that having a teenager and a young adult child is far more stressful!! I'm blessed with great kids, though. It can be hard to know if you're making the right decisions sometimes, regardless of the age of your children. I will not eat my way through these stressful situations, though. That will only make it worse.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
sham artist
Yesterday at work, three different people at three separate times commented on my weight loss. "You're doing such a great job!!" "You look wonderful!". I felt like a sham artist or something. I don't feel as if I should be admired, especially after the choices I made throughout December. Not to mention that there was a time that I lost more weight than I currently have. It took about two years to lose the weight. I kept it off for about a year, then it took less than a year to gain all of it back. I don't feel like very much of a success story.
I don't believe in coincidences. I feel like God knew that in the midst of this struggle, I needed some encouragement and he sent three "angels" my way. I need to learn to handle compliments better, and to be proud of what I have accomplished rather than concentrating on the struggles.
Today has been much, much better. It's as if that switch that I mentioned before has been flipped. Now, I will work on figuring out how to keep that switch permanently in the right direction.
I don't believe in coincidences. I feel like God knew that in the midst of this struggle, I needed some encouragement and he sent three "angels" my way. I need to learn to handle compliments better, and to be proud of what I have accomplished rather than concentrating on the struggles.
Today has been much, much better. It's as if that switch that I mentioned before has been flipped. Now, I will work on figuring out how to keep that switch permanently in the right direction.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
night time eating
I made healthy food choices all day yesterday, and exercised for about 40 minutes yesterday evening. Then night time hit. I was kind of hungry, but one food led to another, then another. I'm angry that I did that. There was no reason to do this, and I feel like I've taken the proverbial two steps back for every one step forward.
I'm not going to dwell on the poor choices of yesterday. I can't redo them, so I will move on. Eating my healthy breakfast now.
I'm not going to dwell on the poor choices of yesterday. I can't redo them, so I will move on. Eating my healthy breakfast now.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Tea party
Every year my mom's church has a tea party for the ladies sometime in January or February. It is a wonderfully fun event. Of course, the event revolves around food. Particularly sugar filled foods such as cookies, cakes and a chocolate fountain.
I enjoy attending this event with my mom, daughter, my sister and my nieces. It's great girl time! Last year, I was at the beginning of my journey so I took my daughter but didn't stay. I knew I couldn't handle it, and it didn't really bother me to miss it.
If the last few weeks hadn't been so difficult, I might have considered going this year. Not for the food, but for the bonding time. I could drink some tea (no sugar, of course) and maybe find something healthy like fruit to snack on. Now, I'm not so sure what to do. It's January 8. Any recommendations?
I enjoy attending this event with my mom, daughter, my sister and my nieces. It's great girl time! Last year, I was at the beginning of my journey so I took my daughter but didn't stay. I knew I couldn't handle it, and it didn't really bother me to miss it.
If the last few weeks hadn't been so difficult, I might have considered going this year. Not for the food, but for the bonding time. I could drink some tea (no sugar, of course) and maybe find something healthy like fruit to snack on. Now, I'm not so sure what to do. It's January 8. Any recommendations?
Sunday, January 1, 2012
a fresh, clean start
Yesterday was busy, and regrettably the day included overeating again. Today, however, is a fresh new day. A clean slate. I feel better when I'm eating healthier and exercising, and I'm committed to halt the progress of the past month. I will not spend a moment more ruminating about eating disorders, how hard it can be to resist the call of sugar, etc. It is what it is, and I can either get past that and choose to make healthier choices, or I can stay in a pit of self despair. Today, I choose to run out of that pit.
Happy New Year!!
Happy New Year!!
Friday, December 30, 2011
change in obsession
Do you feel that those who are successfully maintaining weight loss tend to transfer their obsession from food to something healthier? I'm using the word "obsession" not in a negative way, but for lack of a better word. For example, perhaps the successful maintainer who was a couch potato now teaches an exercise class 5 days a week. Or the former obese person that could barely walk across the room now runs marathons throughout the year. What about the person who was overweight all of their life but is now a Weight Watchers leader? Are there former morbidly obese folks who are motivated to obtain their degree in nutrition and become dietitians?
Perhaps this is an effective approach because the passion has been transferred from food to something positive, and the level of involvement and accountability makes completely going back to old habits more difficult?
Perhaps this is an effective approach because the passion has been transferred from food to something positive, and the level of involvement and accountability makes completely going back to old habits more difficult?
return to the pit
I slid straight back into the pit. No, let's be honest. I jogged quickly back into the pit. The seventh binge of the month. I cringe inwardly and outwardly as I write about yet another day of compulsive eating. It seems so stupid! So counterproductive. Why keep making the same mistakes again and again but expect different results? Isn't that the definition of insanity?
By now, the Reese trees have turned into a Reese forest. I ate six more today. Followed by a chocolate shake, some onion rings, some cheddar cheese, and some peanut butter Oreos.
The day started out with a healthy breakfast. Then a friend brought beautiful cupcakes to work. I didn't eat one, but they looked and smelled so good. A bit later, the conversation at work somehow turned to fast food. Then someone ate chicken nuggets and french fries at their desk. I began to think about what I should buy after work. I didn't even really fight it. I just did it.
I noticed that after I ate the Reese trees (all six of them), I hit a point in the sugar high where I didn't really feel guilty yet. I felt good. I realize that the sugar intake makes me feel so good!!! I'm sure that this is part of the reason that I keep repeating these negative behaviors.....the reward of feeling really good. Is it worth it, though?
There were such a variety of thoughts swirling in my head throughout the day. "I've spent a fair amount of money on these 7 binges. I could have done something constructive with that." "I'm sure I've gained weight.....but overall I've still lost a huge amount of weight so it's ok. I'll get back on track."
I know that this is a very rambling, disorganized post. I just wanted to keep a record of what I ate, and what I thought and felt. Ultimately, my prayer is that this journal will be helpful to myself and others.
By now, the Reese trees have turned into a Reese forest. I ate six more today. Followed by a chocolate shake, some onion rings, some cheddar cheese, and some peanut butter Oreos.
The day started out with a healthy breakfast. Then a friend brought beautiful cupcakes to work. I didn't eat one, but they looked and smelled so good. A bit later, the conversation at work somehow turned to fast food. Then someone ate chicken nuggets and french fries at their desk. I began to think about what I should buy after work. I didn't even really fight it. I just did it.
I noticed that after I ate the Reese trees (all six of them), I hit a point in the sugar high where I didn't really feel guilty yet. I felt good. I realize that the sugar intake makes me feel so good!!! I'm sure that this is part of the reason that I keep repeating these negative behaviors.....the reward of feeling really good. Is it worth it, though?
There were such a variety of thoughts swirling in my head throughout the day. "I've spent a fair amount of money on these 7 binges. I could have done something constructive with that." "I'm sure I've gained weight.....but overall I've still lost a huge amount of weight so it's ok. I'll get back on track."
I know that this is a very rambling, disorganized post. I just wanted to keep a record of what I ate, and what I thought and felt. Ultimately, my prayer is that this journal will be helpful to myself and others.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Thirsty Thursday
I felt yucky this morning....my stomach ached and I was super thirsty from the added salt intake. Bleck. I'm back on track, though. Back to normal. I don't really have a desire to eat junk today, which is a pleasant surprise. My guard is up, though, because I know that the cravings that follow the intake of sugar, fat and/or salt can sometimes last several days or longer.
Thanks so very much for the encouraging comments for yesterday's posts. I can't explain how much it means to me. :)
Thanks so very much for the encouraging comments for yesterday's posts. I can't explain how much it means to me. :)
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
it takes more than six days.....
......for a habit to stick, right? I'm still struggling. Looking back on my posts from December 1 to now, I've overeaten/binged six days out of this month. That is six days too many. I can't seem to get back on track. I don't want this to become a habit. I still can't understand why I behave this way, when afterwards I regret it so much. Yes, there's the emotional factor. There's also the addictive component of sugar and fat. Why can't I be a normal eater? I've asked myself that question so many times over the years.
Today I ate six, yes six, Reese trees. Then about a half of a package of Oreos, then some chips and dip. It scares me that I seem to already be able to eat more junk than I could six binges ago. Why is it that negative habits seem easier to form than positive ones? Why can I so easily rationalize eating junk?
I need to get out of this pity part now, and move on to healthier thoughts, a healthier attitude, and healthier actions.
Today I ate six, yes six, Reese trees. Then about a half of a package of Oreos, then some chips and dip. It scares me that I seem to already be able to eat more junk than I could six binges ago. Why is it that negative habits seem easier to form than positive ones? Why can I so easily rationalize eating junk?
I need to get out of this pity part now, and move on to healthier thoughts, a healthier attitude, and healthier actions.
Monday, December 26, 2011
back to normal
Christmas was wonderful!! I had some precious time with my family. It was busy, but not as stressful as some years have been in the past. I was blessed to be able to spend time in church with my husband and both of my kids. My son hasn't gone to church with us in several years, so this was very special.
As for food......I ate far too much and didn't make the wisest choices. I ate some sugary treats, and some that were far too calorie laden and full of fat. I know that it will be hard to get back on track. But I am doing so. Back to normal. However, this normal is a new normal that I intend to make permanent. Normal is a healthy diet full of fruits, veggies and lacking in sugar and high fat, processed foods. Normal includes exercise. Normal includes not fixating on the foods that perhaps I should not have eaten over the past several days, and allowing the guilt to begin the cycle that ends in eating more junk food.
On another note - I learned that fat free greek yogurt really can be used as a substitute for sour cream! I mixed 2 cups of fat free greek yogurt with 2 cups of salsa and a couple of teaspoons of taco seasoning to make a dip and it was delish!!! Even my family members who don't like healthy foods loved it. It can be served with veggies, whole grain tortilla chips, wheat thins....whatever you'd like.
Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!!!!
As for food......I ate far too much and didn't make the wisest choices. I ate some sugary treats, and some that were far too calorie laden and full of fat. I know that it will be hard to get back on track. But I am doing so. Back to normal. However, this normal is a new normal that I intend to make permanent. Normal is a healthy diet full of fruits, veggies and lacking in sugar and high fat, processed foods. Normal includes exercise. Normal includes not fixating on the foods that perhaps I should not have eaten over the past several days, and allowing the guilt to begin the cycle that ends in eating more junk food.
On another note - I learned that fat free greek yogurt really can be used as a substitute for sour cream! I mixed 2 cups of fat free greek yogurt with 2 cups of salsa and a couple of teaspoons of taco seasoning to make a dip and it was delish!!! Even my family members who don't like healthy foods loved it. It can be served with veggies, whole grain tortilla chips, wheat thins....whatever you'd like.
Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!!!!
Friday, December 23, 2011
motivation vs. commitment
I've been thinking about motivation lately. I read a great blog post this morning (http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2011/12/wonderful-day-pup-pictures-and.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FMkuNg+%28Escape+from+Obesity%29) about different types of motivation. This reminded me of a post that I read a while back about the difference between motivation and commitment (http://lynnsweigh.blogspot.com/2011/01/commitment-of-lifetime.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+LynnsWeigh-TheJourneyContinues+%28Lynn%27s+Weigh+-+The+Journey+Continues%29)
Motivation tends to ebb and flow. Some days, I'm extremely motivated to make healthy choices. Other days....not so much. Weight loss/maintenance statistics seem to prove that most people have trouble with consistent motivation.
Commitment is a bit different. You can be committed to something, and stick with it despite lack of motivation. For example, my nightly routine involves taking vitamins, washing my face, brushing my teeth, then going to bed. Many nights I am tired and would rather go straight to bed. Sometimes the thought of going to bed with a dirty face and dirty teeth are enough to cause me to stick to my routine. Other nights, I'm tired and would much rather skip it. However, 99% of the time I will follow my routine because I am committed to it.
Are you committed or simply temporarily motivated to reach your goals?
Motivation tends to ebb and flow. Some days, I'm extremely motivated to make healthy choices. Other days....not so much. Weight loss/maintenance statistics seem to prove that most people have trouble with consistent motivation.
Commitment is a bit different. You can be committed to something, and stick with it despite lack of motivation. For example, my nightly routine involves taking vitamins, washing my face, brushing my teeth, then going to bed. Many nights I am tired and would rather go straight to bed. Sometimes the thought of going to bed with a dirty face and dirty teeth are enough to cause me to stick to my routine. Other nights, I'm tired and would much rather skip it. However, 99% of the time I will follow my routine because I am committed to it.
Are you committed or simply temporarily motivated to reach your goals?
Thursday, December 22, 2011
sane eating, day 2
Things went really well today, too! The day started with several Christmas gifts that included chocolate. I put them out of sight, and brought them to my daughter. Actually, just now I'm remembering Jane's post about being a "sugar pusher" (http://www.keepingthepoundsoff.com/2011/12/thou-shalt-not-sugar-push.html) Am I being a sugar pusher by bringing home these treats to my daughter? She fortunately has normal eating patterns and doesn't have issues with food like I do. She does love sweets, though. However, I feel that she has a good grasp on moderation and "sometimes" foods vs. "always food" as I used to call them when the kids were little. (Amazing how you can teach someone else good eating habits/behaviors but struggle so much yourself). Anyway, I digress.
Next, there was the pizza party lunch. My boss was organizing this, and he knows that I've been eating healthy. He was so kind - he made a special trip to a different restaurant to buy me a grilled chicken salad!!! It bothered me that he did this, because the other food was delivered. (The restaurant that was chosen had no healthy options). I don't like always being the one who needs something special. No one else seems to care, but it bothers me. I suppose he wouldn't offer it was an imposition, though.
I started doing a little bit of cooking tonight for the Christmas Eve party. No taste testing for me, though! One bit always leads to 2, then 3, then who knows what else will end up following.
How is everyone else handling the holiday season?
Next, there was the pizza party lunch. My boss was organizing this, and he knows that I've been eating healthy. He was so kind - he made a special trip to a different restaurant to buy me a grilled chicken salad!!! It bothered me that he did this, because the other food was delivered. (The restaurant that was chosen had no healthy options). I don't like always being the one who needs something special. No one else seems to care, but it bothers me. I suppose he wouldn't offer it was an imposition, though.
I started doing a little bit of cooking tonight for the Christmas Eve party. No taste testing for me, though! One bit always leads to 2, then 3, then who knows what else will end up following.
How is everyone else handling the holiday season?
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
welcome back, sane eating
Today has been much better!! The day started with a healthy breakfast. I needed to go to the gas station before work, and I went to a small, local convenience store near home rather than one of the larger ones like Sheetz. Therefore, I wasn't tempted to go inside to pay where I would be surrounded by junk food.
Next, one of the girls at work brought in chocolate for everyone except myself and one of the other girls. She brought us a (semi) healthy trail mix instead because she knows that we are both eating healthy. How thoughtful!!
Lunch was a holiday meal sponsored by the company I work for. I chose turkey, steamed broccoli and corn. I did not eat the mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, rolls or dessert. The food wasn't that great, but I was able to eat with three of my friends and we had a great time!
After work, I went to the grocery store to buy some of the things I need for our Christmas Eve party. I'm grateful that I wasn't even tempted to buy things that I shouldn't. While shopping, I noticed a very large woman using one of the motorized carts to shop. It made me so very sad. I realize that I could easily be just like her. Of course, I know nothing about her. It's possible that she is also loosing weight and was once larger than she is currently. I do not judge, I sympathize.
Dinner was healthy, and I'm planning to workout soon. It's nice to get my groove back!
Next, one of the girls at work brought in chocolate for everyone except myself and one of the other girls. She brought us a (semi) healthy trail mix instead because she knows that we are both eating healthy. How thoughtful!!
Lunch was a holiday meal sponsored by the company I work for. I chose turkey, steamed broccoli and corn. I did not eat the mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, rolls or dessert. The food wasn't that great, but I was able to eat with three of my friends and we had a great time!
After work, I went to the grocery store to buy some of the things I need for our Christmas Eve party. I'm grateful that I wasn't even tempted to buy things that I shouldn't. While shopping, I noticed a very large woman using one of the motorized carts to shop. It made me so very sad. I realize that I could easily be just like her. Of course, I know nothing about her. It's possible that she is also loosing weight and was once larger than she is currently. I do not judge, I sympathize.
Dinner was healthy, and I'm planning to workout soon. It's nice to get my groove back!
Yesterday was not the fresh start that I planned/needed/wanted. It started out well; a healthy breakfast followed by a healthy lunch. I had to stop by the drugstore for Tylenol on the way home from work. 3 Reese trees, a Hershey's Pot of Gold box, Mrs. Fields cookies and some chocolate milk jumped into my basket!!! How did they get there? Ok, ok, I'm not insane. They didn't jump in, I put them there. In fact, I planned doing so on the way to the store.
I ate the Reese trees, about 10 pieces of candy, and probably 3 cookies. I then threw the rest of the candy away and gave the rest of the cookies away. I suppose I should at least be proud that I didn't save it for later. Because, sure enough, even though immediately after I ate all of that junk I may have been disgusted at the thought of more chocolate, hours later I wished I still had it.
The first two Reese trees were delish. The third was still sort of good. By the time I started on the candy, cookies, and chocolate milk, it didn't even taste that good. Why did I continue?
I just can't eat as much chocolate/sugar as I could in the past. And it doesn't taste as good. Why can't I remember this BEFORE I start?? Even just a few short hours later, I'm ready to do it again. What am I getting out of this that I have a compulsive desire to repeat behavior that doesn't really seem to be rewarding?
I did eat a healthy dinner, but I didn't exercise. I didn't exercise the day before, either. I'm committed to making this a healthy day. Anyone out there joining me?
I ate the Reese trees, about 10 pieces of candy, and probably 3 cookies. I then threw the rest of the candy away and gave the rest of the cookies away. I suppose I should at least be proud that I didn't save it for later. Because, sure enough, even though immediately after I ate all of that junk I may have been disgusted at the thought of more chocolate, hours later I wished I still had it.
The first two Reese trees were delish. The third was still sort of good. By the time I started on the candy, cookies, and chocolate milk, it didn't even taste that good. Why did I continue?
I just can't eat as much chocolate/sugar as I could in the past. And it doesn't taste as good. Why can't I remember this BEFORE I start?? Even just a few short hours later, I'm ready to do it again. What am I getting out of this that I have a compulsive desire to repeat behavior that doesn't really seem to be rewarding?
I did eat a healthy dinner, but I didn't exercise. I didn't exercise the day before, either. I'm committed to making this a healthy day. Anyone out there joining me?
Monday, December 19, 2011
Letter to self
Dear Melanie,
When your co-worker gives you a delightful smelling, beautiful mini-loaf of pumpkin bread for Christmas, do not leave it in an area on your desk where you can see it and smell it all day. This is asking for trouble.
When you are driving home, put said loaf in the back seat. If you lack good judgement and put it in the front with you, do not eat it. If you decide to try a piece, wait until you are at home. At home, you know that you will not be as likely to polish off the entire loaf like you are certain to do in the car. You know that eating in the car, 95% of the time, equates to binge eating. Secretive eating is not a good choice for you. There is at least a small chance that if you tried a piece at home, you would have given the rest of the bread (and I use this term loosely because this was definitely more of a pumpkin cake, not bread) to your daughter who can handle sweet things in moderation.
Once you managed to eat the whole thing, it is not necessarily a bad idea to eat a small healthy snack to balance the blood sugar spike and eventual crash. However, do not confuse this with a need to fill a bottomless pit with ham, cheese, a salad full of cheese and croutons, and whatever else you can secretly eat while your family isn't watching.
Did you realize that you could have spent some wonderfully intimate time with your husband today, but you didn't because you were disgusted with yourself so you couldn't stand the thought of him touching you? Do you realize that you are worthy of love and affection? Do you know that the fact that you are worthy of love doesn't change because you sometimes make poor choices?
When you later had to spend about an hour driving by yourself, you did not need to continue the poor habits. There are other, far better ways to enjoy some quiet time. You can pray. You can enjoy Christmas music and Christmas lights. You can count your blessings (literally). When you stopped at WalMart, God gave you an out. It was absolutely unbelievable that you couldn't find the Reese trees or the Hershey's Pot of Gold that you were looking for. You didn't need to buy the Reese big cups, Caramello bar, and bag of chex mix muddy buddies to replace your desired binge foods.
Congratulations for making the choice to throw away the second half of the Caramello bar and over 3/4 of the bag of muddy buddies!!!! And all because they were sickeningly sweet??!!! What progress. Remember this the next time you are tempted!!!!!!!!!
Remember: man (nor) woman can not live by bread alone. An order of Italian cheese bread is in no way, shape or form a good dinner choice. Especially after you have eaten all of the above fast absorbing carbs. This will insure a sick feeling.
When all of this was over, remember the guilt, shame, embarrassment and sickness. What part of this was good? Maybe the first bite or two? Was it worth it?
Tomorrow is another day. You can overcome.
When your co-worker gives you a delightful smelling, beautiful mini-loaf of pumpkin bread for Christmas, do not leave it in an area on your desk where you can see it and smell it all day. This is asking for trouble.
When you are driving home, put said loaf in the back seat. If you lack good judgement and put it in the front with you, do not eat it. If you decide to try a piece, wait until you are at home. At home, you know that you will not be as likely to polish off the entire loaf like you are certain to do in the car. You know that eating in the car, 95% of the time, equates to binge eating. Secretive eating is not a good choice for you. There is at least a small chance that if you tried a piece at home, you would have given the rest of the bread (and I use this term loosely because this was definitely more of a pumpkin cake, not bread) to your daughter who can handle sweet things in moderation.
Once you managed to eat the whole thing, it is not necessarily a bad idea to eat a small healthy snack to balance the blood sugar spike and eventual crash. However, do not confuse this with a need to fill a bottomless pit with ham, cheese, a salad full of cheese and croutons, and whatever else you can secretly eat while your family isn't watching.
Did you realize that you could have spent some wonderfully intimate time with your husband today, but you didn't because you were disgusted with yourself so you couldn't stand the thought of him touching you? Do you realize that you are worthy of love and affection? Do you know that the fact that you are worthy of love doesn't change because you sometimes make poor choices?
When you later had to spend about an hour driving by yourself, you did not need to continue the poor habits. There are other, far better ways to enjoy some quiet time. You can pray. You can enjoy Christmas music and Christmas lights. You can count your blessings (literally). When you stopped at WalMart, God gave you an out. It was absolutely unbelievable that you couldn't find the Reese trees or the Hershey's Pot of Gold that you were looking for. You didn't need to buy the Reese big cups, Caramello bar, and bag of chex mix muddy buddies to replace your desired binge foods.
Congratulations for making the choice to throw away the second half of the Caramello bar and over 3/4 of the bag of muddy buddies!!!! And all because they were sickeningly sweet??!!! What progress. Remember this the next time you are tempted!!!!!!!!!
Remember: man (nor) woman can not live by bread alone. An order of Italian cheese bread is in no way, shape or form a good dinner choice. Especially after you have eaten all of the above fast absorbing carbs. This will insure a sick feeling.
When all of this was over, remember the guilt, shame, embarrassment and sickness. What part of this was good? Maybe the first bite or two? Was it worth it?
Tomorrow is another day. You can overcome.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
7 more pounds gone!!
I've lost 7 pounds since I late weighed in! That is 129 pounds gone forever!!! Wow. That is more than what some women weigh!
When I really think about how much food and how many calories that I was probably taking in on a regular basis in order to maintain such an unhealthy weight, it's very sobering.
I haven't really set a goal weight yet. I still have quite a bit I need to lose, so looking too far ahead can make this seem unmanageable. One day at a time, one healthy bite at a time.
When I really think about how much food and how many calories that I was probably taking in on a regular basis in order to maintain such an unhealthy weight, it's very sobering.
I haven't really set a goal weight yet. I still have quite a bit I need to lose, so looking too far ahead can make this seem unmanageable. One day at a time, one healthy bite at a time.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
where is the switch?
Despite my good intentions of starting over today, it only took a few hours of a stressful workday, hearing someone talk about homemade cranberry muffins, seeing some mini Reese trees on someone's desk (I didn't know they were even made in a mini version!!???!!!) then smelling a co-worker's calzone as she ate at her desk for me to quickly begin planning what food I would buy after work today.
After all, I had to go to the grocery store to buy some chicken anyway, why not get some chocolate? Perhaps some pizza after that. Then, I went to lunch and several people at work were eating some delicious looking pizza.
As I began eating my grilled chicken and fruit, I was overwhelmed with frustration. Honestly, I just wanted to cry. I'm so tired of fighting this battle. Then I decided to get out of the self pity pit I was sinking into. I texted my son and shared with him the difficulty I was having. Then a good friend came and sat with me and we were able to eat lunch together. She has such a positive outlook on life, and spending just that little bit of time with her boosted my spirits more than I can explain. I didn't tell her that I was having a rough day, but she still made a difference.
From then on, the desire to eat very quickly subsided. It was almost as if someone had flipped some sort of switch and things were drastically better. Why is that? Wouldn't it be nice if we did have some type of switch that we could turn off and on? If we had that switch would we use it? After all, I had options that I almost didn't use. I almost didn't text my son. Subconsciously, I know that texting him almost takes the choice away from me. And, as much as I hate it, a part of me sometimes wants to binge despite all of the negative consequences. Once I'm accountable to someone, I'm highly unlikely to go through with a binge.
On the way home, I saw an absolutely beautiful rainbow. Despite the fact that it was still cloudy, the colors were so defined. Thank you, God, for sending me help in the form of my son, my friend, and the rainbow.
After all, I had to go to the grocery store to buy some chicken anyway, why not get some chocolate? Perhaps some pizza after that. Then, I went to lunch and several people at work were eating some delicious looking pizza.
As I began eating my grilled chicken and fruit, I was overwhelmed with frustration. Honestly, I just wanted to cry. I'm so tired of fighting this battle. Then I decided to get out of the self pity pit I was sinking into. I texted my son and shared with him the difficulty I was having. Then a good friend came and sat with me and we were able to eat lunch together. She has such a positive outlook on life, and spending just that little bit of time with her boosted my spirits more than I can explain. I didn't tell her that I was having a rough day, but she still made a difference.
From then on, the desire to eat very quickly subsided. It was almost as if someone had flipped some sort of switch and things were drastically better. Why is that? Wouldn't it be nice if we did have some type of switch that we could turn off and on? If we had that switch would we use it? After all, I had options that I almost didn't use. I almost didn't text my son. Subconsciously, I know that texting him almost takes the choice away from me. And, as much as I hate it, a part of me sometimes wants to binge despite all of the negative consequences. Once I'm accountable to someone, I'm highly unlikely to go through with a binge.
On the way home, I saw an absolutely beautiful rainbow. Despite the fact that it was still cloudy, the colors were so defined. Thank you, God, for sending me help in the form of my son, my friend, and the rainbow.
thought process of a disordered eater
There was a possibility that I would have to spend about 7 hours driving on December 26; half of that by myself. I must admit, when I first found out about this I began planning a binge. It went something like this. "If I can avoid sugar and binges through Christmas, then that day I will indulge. I can stop by Walmart or Target and get Reese trees. After all, they will be on sale!!! And maybe some of that caramel Hershey's Pot of Gold candy. After that, maybe I'll get some pizza".
I found out last night that I probably won't have to make that trip, but I may have to spend about an hour driving this Sunday afternoon. Again, I immediately thought about eating. As my thoughts turned to food, I realized I was a tiny bit hungry. Not much, mind you, just a little bit. I'd eaten a healthy, filling dinner. I'd exercised. (There are a few pretty good workout options on Netflix instant, by the way) Nevertheless, I convinced myself that I was hungry.
As I began to think about food, I wondered how my weight was. I planned to weigh myself on Saturday. I weighed myself last night, and I had lost weight since the last time I weighed in. Somehow, I turned this into justification for overeating.
I started with a ham sandwich on whole wheat with lite mayo and cheese. This wasn't a horrible choice. I should have stopped there. This lead to cheese and crackers. Which lead to graham crackers. Then chex mix with peanuts. Then bread with butter and jelly.
I'm feeling the effects of all of the salt this morning. I'm so thirsty. My hands are a bit swollen. Yuck.
Somewhere during the binge planning when I originally thought I'd be driving by myself for 3 1/2 hours, I began thinking about my future. There will be a time, probably 4-8 years from now, that I won't have kids living at home. What if my husband still has a job like he does now where he travels a lot? With that much time alone, how will I maintain weight loss? Should I even bother with this? Yes, I should. While the reality of this is that I will likely always struggle with food, I don't have to resign myself to eventual failure.
I'm eating a healthy breakfast this morning and moving on.
I found out last night that I probably won't have to make that trip, but I may have to spend about an hour driving this Sunday afternoon. Again, I immediately thought about eating. As my thoughts turned to food, I realized I was a tiny bit hungry. Not much, mind you, just a little bit. I'd eaten a healthy, filling dinner. I'd exercised. (There are a few pretty good workout options on Netflix instant, by the way) Nevertheless, I convinced myself that I was hungry.
As I began to think about food, I wondered how my weight was. I planned to weigh myself on Saturday. I weighed myself last night, and I had lost weight since the last time I weighed in. Somehow, I turned this into justification for overeating.
I started with a ham sandwich on whole wheat with lite mayo and cheese. This wasn't a horrible choice. I should have stopped there. This lead to cheese and crackers. Which lead to graham crackers. Then chex mix with peanuts. Then bread with butter and jelly.
I'm feeling the effects of all of the salt this morning. I'm so thirsty. My hands are a bit swollen. Yuck.
Somewhere during the binge planning when I originally thought I'd be driving by myself for 3 1/2 hours, I began thinking about my future. There will be a time, probably 4-8 years from now, that I won't have kids living at home. What if my husband still has a job like he does now where he travels a lot? With that much time alone, how will I maintain weight loss? Should I even bother with this? Yes, I should. While the reality of this is that I will likely always struggle with food, I don't have to resign myself to eventual failure.
I'm eating a healthy breakfast this morning and moving on.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
keeping focus when overwhelmed
It's so easy to be overwhelmed this time of year. There is so much to do! Christmas shopping, Christmas cards, my daughter's birthday and my husband's birthday are both in December, I'm hosting a large gathering on Christmas Eve, taxes are due, bills are piling up, my son is struggling with some college decisions, spring tuition is due in December, my workload at my job is increasing this month......the list is endless.
How do we stay focused on continuing to eat healthy and exercising when there are so many thing vying for our attention? I think it's even more important at times like this to eat healthy and exercise to maintain sanity!! Even though we know this, it's so easy to let all of our other responsibilities get in the way. Before we know it, exercise is non-existant and we're reaching for fast food because we're too busy to prepare something ourselves.
I'm committed to making healthy choices this month. What choices am I making to help keep this commitment?
*I normally make an insane amount of sweet desserts during the holidays. This year, I'll make 2 at most. These will be desserts that I don't really like, so they won't tempt me.
*I'm planning all of the things that I possibly can in advance, so that I make room for exercise. I'm a routine oriented person, so I will use that to my advantage.
*I've been open with some family members about my choice to avoid cooking sweet things this year. This is hard for me; I don't like sharing. I'm doing so anyway for my sanity.
What conscious choices are you making to come out of this holiday season weighing less or the same as you did going in, rather than being at least several pounds heavier?
How do we stay focused on continuing to eat healthy and exercising when there are so many thing vying for our attention? I think it's even more important at times like this to eat healthy and exercise to maintain sanity!! Even though we know this, it's so easy to let all of our other responsibilities get in the way. Before we know it, exercise is non-existant and we're reaching for fast food because we're too busy to prepare something ourselves.
I'm committed to making healthy choices this month. What choices am I making to help keep this commitment?
*I normally make an insane amount of sweet desserts during the holidays. This year, I'll make 2 at most. These will be desserts that I don't really like, so they won't tempt me.
*I'm planning all of the things that I possibly can in advance, so that I make room for exercise. I'm a routine oriented person, so I will use that to my advantage.
*I've been open with some family members about my choice to avoid cooking sweet things this year. This is hard for me; I don't like sharing. I'm doing so anyway for my sanity.
What conscious choices are you making to come out of this holiday season weighing less or the same as you did going in, rather than being at least several pounds heavier?
Saturday, December 10, 2011
birthday parties
My sweet little girl turned 14 on December 5. We had a "family" party for her on the 4th, and she's having her "friend" party this evening. She didn't want the traditional birthday fare at either party, so no cake to deal with. When we were celebrating with family, she wanted marinated ham sandwiches, cracker candy, 7 layer bars, little smokies in sauce, and fruit salad. How's that for an interesting combination of birthday snacks? But that's fine - it's her birthday so I always fix what she wants. I added pretzels to her menu so that anyone that wanted to eat healthy could snack on pretzels and fruit salad.
I didn't eat anything at her party, or before the party when I was fixing everything. Oddly enough, I was ok with that. I did miss eating these treats, but overall I didn't have a problem. I could have eaten fruit salad and/or pretzels, but I wasn't hungry so I didn't bother. Instead, I enjoyed spending time with family.
On her actual birthday, she wanted to have dinner at Panera. Easy enough to eat healthy there.
At tonight's party, we're having pizza, chips, and s'mores. (We're planning to have a bonfire.) I'm not a fan of marshmallows, so the s'mores shouldn't be a temptation. I tried to buy the exact amount of Hershey bars that we'll need so there wouldn't be leftovers. The pizza may bother me a bit. I will likely grab something at Subway so I will still get to eat something that I don't eat often and I didn't have to cook myself, but it's healthy. Sometimes I have to play mental games with myself! :)
Thankfully, I've been on plan this week. It's been a tough week, though. As can be par for the course during the holiday season....stress abounds. That's ok, though, I can handle it.
I didn't eat anything at her party, or before the party when I was fixing everything. Oddly enough, I was ok with that. I did miss eating these treats, but overall I didn't have a problem. I could have eaten fruit salad and/or pretzels, but I wasn't hungry so I didn't bother. Instead, I enjoyed spending time with family.
On her actual birthday, she wanted to have dinner at Panera. Easy enough to eat healthy there.
At tonight's party, we're having pizza, chips, and s'mores. (We're planning to have a bonfire.) I'm not a fan of marshmallows, so the s'mores shouldn't be a temptation. I tried to buy the exact amount of Hershey bars that we'll need so there wouldn't be leftovers. The pizza may bother me a bit. I will likely grab something at Subway so I will still get to eat something that I don't eat often and I didn't have to cook myself, but it's healthy. Sometimes I have to play mental games with myself! :)
Thankfully, I've been on plan this week. It's been a tough week, though. As can be par for the course during the holiday season....stress abounds. That's ok, though, I can handle it.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
shift in thought process
I'm allergic to beef. I know....it's a weird allergy. I've never been a big fan of meat anyway, so about 2 years ago when this allergy was diagnosed I wasn't too upset. However, occasionally a big juicy steak sounds appealing. Not to mention that sometimes a completely unhealthy double cheeseburger or Big Mac from McDonald's is so very tempting.
Since I'm allergic to beef, I wouldn't even begin to contemplate eating it. No matter how good it looks or smells.....I wouldn't dream of taking a chance at a potentially life threatening reaction. I was thinking about this. Could I possibly think of sugar in this way so that I would avoid it? Of course not. Sugar isn't life threatening.....or is it? What happens to my body immediately after eating refined sugar? Sure, some of the effects may be pleasant. It does give me that temporary high. Then there's the crash. None of these immediate effects are as bad as a potential anaphylactic allergic reaction.
What about the long term effects of eating a lot of sugar? The list is endless. Perhaps I could shift my way of thinking and avoid sugar just like I avoid beef. Something to think about.
Since I'm allergic to beef, I wouldn't even begin to contemplate eating it. No matter how good it looks or smells.....I wouldn't dream of taking a chance at a potentially life threatening reaction. I was thinking about this. Could I possibly think of sugar in this way so that I would avoid it? Of course not. Sugar isn't life threatening.....or is it? What happens to my body immediately after eating refined sugar? Sure, some of the effects may be pleasant. It does give me that temporary high. Then there's the crash. None of these immediate effects are as bad as a potential anaphylactic allergic reaction.
What about the long term effects of eating a lot of sugar? The list is endless. Perhaps I could shift my way of thinking and avoid sugar just like I avoid beef. Something to think about.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Benefits of healthy living
There is some irony to the fact that I spent today in binge hell.....I went to the doctor for my yearly physical and my blood work was phenomenal!!
As I've mentioned before, despite the fact that I've been severely overweight I haven't really developed any of the normal related health problems. However, my blood work still showed some noticeable improvements.
For the first time last November, my triglycerides were up. Normal is no higher than 150, mine was 159. This year I'm at 79! What an improvement! My "bad" cholesterol was still within normal range at 112 last year, this year I'm at 88. Glucose last year was at the high end of normal (100), this year that was 88. My blood pressure is typically 120/80. This year it was 108/80. I won't bore you with the rest of the numbers, but everything had changed for the better.
This reinforces the benefits of staying on a healthy path for the rest of my life. I need to continue fighting the urge to binge. Based on these numbers, I plan to continue following a predominately vegan diet.
Out of the sugary carb filled pit of hell and back on plan!!
As I've mentioned before, despite the fact that I've been severely overweight I haven't really developed any of the normal related health problems. However, my blood work still showed some noticeable improvements.
For the first time last November, my triglycerides were up. Normal is no higher than 150, mine was 159. This year I'm at 79! What an improvement! My "bad" cholesterol was still within normal range at 112 last year, this year I'm at 88. Glucose last year was at the high end of normal (100), this year that was 88. My blood pressure is typically 120/80. This year it was 108/80. I won't bore you with the rest of the numbers, but everything had changed for the better.
This reinforces the benefits of staying on a healthy path for the rest of my life. I need to continue fighting the urge to binge. Based on these numbers, I plan to continue following a predominately vegan diet.
Out of the sugary carb filled pit of hell and back on plan!!
sugar pit
Last night's eating led me into the sugar pit of hell. Actually, I shouldn't say that the eating led me there. I allowed myself to go there. Today was definitely a horrible blast from the past. I planned the eating. I did nothing to try to stop it. I hate admitting what I ate; even if this blog is somewhat anonymous (I've told no one that I know about this blog) it's very embarrassing.
I feel that it is important to keep a record of what I've done so that I can learn from it. So.....here we go. (If you are prone to binges after reading about food RED ALERT. I started my day with my normal oatmeal with almonds and raisins. I didn't have to work today, so I did a few things around the house then headed out to do some errands. First, I ate a piece of chocolate fudge then 3 Reese peanut butter trees. They were delicious, but after the first one I ate the others simply because they were there. An hours or so later, I ate almost a whole serving of Italian cheese bread from Little Caeser's. It was so very good, but again I should have/could have stopped after the first several pieces but I didn't. I succumbed to the "all or nothing" thinking that I've found is extremely common among those with disordered eating patterns.
About an hour after that, I ate about 4 M & M ice cream sandwiches. By this point, I was really starting to feel sick. I know that this probably will sound crazy, but sometimes I really understand how people can become bulimic. Please don't misunderstand.....I'm not in any way advocating this; I simply mean that I can relate to the thought process. Fortunately, I have a severe aversion to vomiting so I've never tried to throw up after a binge. This is definitely a blessing. Otherwise, there is a good chance I would have went down that path at some point.
I finally sent a text to my son admitting my struggles so I'd have some accountability. I'm not waiting until tomorrow to start over. I'm starting over now.
I feel that it is important to keep a record of what I've done so that I can learn from it. So.....here we go. (If you are prone to binges after reading about food RED ALERT. I started my day with my normal oatmeal with almonds and raisins. I didn't have to work today, so I did a few things around the house then headed out to do some errands. First, I ate a piece of chocolate fudge then 3 Reese peanut butter trees. They were delicious, but after the first one I ate the others simply because they were there. An hours or so later, I ate almost a whole serving of Italian cheese bread from Little Caeser's. It was so very good, but again I should have/could have stopped after the first several pieces but I didn't. I succumbed to the "all or nothing" thinking that I've found is extremely common among those with disordered eating patterns.
About an hour after that, I ate about 4 M & M ice cream sandwiches. By this point, I was really starting to feel sick. I know that this probably will sound crazy, but sometimes I really understand how people can become bulimic. Please don't misunderstand.....I'm not in any way advocating this; I simply mean that I can relate to the thought process. Fortunately, I have a severe aversion to vomiting so I've never tried to throw up after a binge. This is definitely a blessing. Otherwise, there is a good chance I would have went down that path at some point.
I finally sent a text to my son admitting my struggles so I'd have some accountability. I'm not waiting until tomorrow to start over. I'm starting over now.
Monday, November 28, 2011
eating for the wrong reasons
Once again I ate some things tonight that I shouldn't have. It wasn't a full blown binge, but I wasn't hungry and I should have left food alone. I guess it began earlier today when I began craving Reese cups. I can't remember what prompted the cravings.....I think it was something simple like an ad in a sale circular. I had forgotten about the Reese cups and moved on. I ate my on plan dinner and exercised as usual. As I was settling down for the evening, the urge to eat came back. It had nothing to do with hunger, so what was it related to? Perhaps loneliness?
There was a little bit of peanut butter left in a jar that I bought for my daughter. Notice a trend here? Apparently I'll need to ban peanut butter from the house; at least for a while. I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat. Lots of peanut butter on the bread, and a few extra spoonfuls of peanut butter. Then I ate some peanuts and chex mix. Not too much; maybe a 1/2 cup full. Then I ate a "salad". The quotes are due to the fact that I'm using the word very loosely. A little bit of lettuce, a ton of cheese quite a few croutons, and a large amount of dressing. (It was fat free though.)
I don't like this trend. The last time I did this was on the 23rd. Only 5 days ago. I shouldn't have eaten this stuff. There was no real reason to do so. Why did I? There were so many things I could have done. My son is home....I could have told him that I was struggling. I could have prayed. I could have read some of my past posts to remind myself of how I feel after I eat junk for something other than hunger.
Sometimes I get so frustrated and angry with this.
There was a little bit of peanut butter left in a jar that I bought for my daughter. Notice a trend here? Apparently I'll need to ban peanut butter from the house; at least for a while. I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat. Lots of peanut butter on the bread, and a few extra spoonfuls of peanut butter. Then I ate some peanuts and chex mix. Not too much; maybe a 1/2 cup full. Then I ate a "salad". The quotes are due to the fact that I'm using the word very loosely. A little bit of lettuce, a ton of cheese quite a few croutons, and a large amount of dressing. (It was fat free though.)
I don't like this trend. The last time I did this was on the 23rd. Only 5 days ago. I shouldn't have eaten this stuff. There was no real reason to do so. Why did I? There were so many things I could have done. My son is home....I could have told him that I was struggling. I could have prayed. I could have read some of my past posts to remind myself of how I feel after I eat junk for something other than hunger.
Sometimes I get so frustrated and angry with this.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
effects of white bread
I'm having a little bit of trouble today with cravings. I've been craving rolls. It doesn't take a phd to realize that these cravings are directly related to the rolls, etc. that I ate on Thanksgiving day. The question is - was it worth it?
I haven't decided the answer to that $1 million question yet. Yes, I'm dealing with cravings today, however they are not overwhelming and completely consuming my thoughts like the cravings I have after eating sugar.
I don't want to overanalyze this, but I do want to be very observant and learn things about how my body and how it reacts to certain foods.
I haven't decided the answer to that $1 million question yet. Yes, I'm dealing with cravings today, however they are not overwhelming and completely consuming my thoughts like the cravings I have after eating sugar.
I don't want to overanalyze this, but I do want to be very observant and learn things about how my body and how it reacts to certain foods.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Thanksgiving results
Thanksgiving was really nice!! I enjoyed spending time with my family. For lunch I ate small amounts of all of my favorites. I made sure to include turkey so I would have filling protein in my meal to help balance the carbs. I didn't eat dessert. I was very tempted by a lowfat cheesecake, but I knew even a small piece would be a bad idea.
For dinner, I again ate small portions of my favorites and included some turkey. I did go back for a second roll and second medium/large serving of stuffing. It was soooooo delicious. I didn't eat dessert, I didn't overeat. Dessert was even more tempting here.....but I didn't eat any.
It was so pleasant to focus on conversation with family and friends rather than completely focusing on the food. It was also wonderful to feel good after each meal. I didn't have that overstuffed/my pants are too tight/ I want a nap/ I ate so much I'm going to die feeling.
I'm calling this a successful holiday. Hope you enjoyed yours, too!
For dinner, I again ate small portions of my favorites and included some turkey. I did go back for a second roll and second medium/large serving of stuffing. It was soooooo delicious. I didn't eat dessert, I didn't overeat. Dessert was even more tempting here.....but I didn't eat any.
It was so pleasant to focus on conversation with family and friends rather than completely focusing on the food. It was also wonderful to feel good after each meal. I didn't have that overstuffed/my pants are too tight/ I want a nap/ I ate so much I'm going to die feeling.
I'm calling this a successful holiday. Hope you enjoyed yours, too!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Grateful
I have so many things to be thankful for. Here are just a few.
God - without him I can do nothing.
My family - my husband and kids are so precious to me. As are my parents, my grandparents, my sister and my nieces.
Freedom - it's so easy to take this for granted.
There are many other things that I'm thankful for, but these are the most important. The best things in life aren't really things.
God - without him I can do nothing.
My family - my husband and kids are so precious to me. As are my parents, my grandparents, my sister and my nieces.
Freedom - it's so easy to take this for granted.
There are many other things that I'm thankful for, but these are the most important. The best things in life aren't really things.
Thanksgiving plan
Tomorrow we will have lunch at my sister's house and dinner at my father-in-law's house. After pondering this for a week or so, I have decided on my eating plan. I will not eat sugary desserts and treats. It's just not worth it. If I could handle moderation, that would be fine. But I know that I can't. Sure, I may only eat one serving in front of everyone else, but that sugar will prompt me to crave more for days to come. Fortunately, I don't like pumpkin pie, pecan pie or sweet potato pie so most of the traditional desserts won't be tempting to me.
I have decided to indulge in a few things that I don't currently eat on a regular basis. I'm confidant that I will be able to have small servings of mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese and stuffing, enjoy them, and move on. Sweet potatoes may not be on my plate, though. It will depend on how they are prepared. My step-mother-in-law is a weight watchers leader, so I think she'll probably have some sweet potatoes that are not loaded with marshmallows. I haven't decided how to handle bread yet. Since I've been eating healthy, on several occasions I've eaten one roll and I've been ok with that. However, rolls can be part of the slippery slope to overeating so I may need to avoid them.
I will make sure to eat turkey at both meals. I don't really like turkey very much, so most Thanksgiving I don't eat any. I'd much rather fill up on all of the refined carbs. This Thanksgiving will be different. I know that the turkey is healthy and filling so it will be part of my meals.
So this is my plan. What is your plan?
I have decided to indulge in a few things that I don't currently eat on a regular basis. I'm confidant that I will be able to have small servings of mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese and stuffing, enjoy them, and move on. Sweet potatoes may not be on my plate, though. It will depend on how they are prepared. My step-mother-in-law is a weight watchers leader, so I think she'll probably have some sweet potatoes that are not loaded with marshmallows. I haven't decided how to handle bread yet. Since I've been eating healthy, on several occasions I've eaten one roll and I've been ok with that. However, rolls can be part of the slippery slope to overeating so I may need to avoid them.
I will make sure to eat turkey at both meals. I don't really like turkey very much, so most Thanksgiving I don't eat any. I'd much rather fill up on all of the refined carbs. This Thanksgiving will be different. I know that the turkey is healthy and filling so it will be part of my meals.
So this is my plan. What is your plan?
overeating or bingeing?
I got hungry last night around 9pm. This is unusual; I eat a dinner full of filling fiber and protein every evening to avoid the evening munchies. For whatever reason, last night I got hungry. I've learned over the years that 3 meals a day works well for me. I know that many nutritionists recommend 4-6 smaller meals a day for a variety of reasons, but snacking just doesn't work for me. I eat that small portion, and then think "where's the rest".
Anyway, feeling hungry at 9pm is not the end of the world. I go to bed around 10pm, and I wasn't overly hungry so eating nothing was certainly an option. Another good choice would have been a small but filling snack such as almonds. I didn't do that. Over a period of probably 20 minutes, I had 4 slices of cheddar cheese, 1 weight watchers wedge of low fat swiss, and a couple of handfuls of peanuts, almonds and chex mix.
My first reaction was to not mention this on the blog, and to move on. It wasn't really a binge, was it? At least not in the traditional sense, if there is such a thing. However, does a "normal" (I use that term loosely) person that doesn't have disordered eating patterns do things like that? I don't know. Does it really matter what "normal" people do in comparison to how I eat?
Ultimately, what I did wasn't a smart choice for me and I want to make sure I document it. I should have either went to bed, or ate a small snack.
I'm moving on, though. I'll post more about Thanksgiving plans later.
Anyway, feeling hungry at 9pm is not the end of the world. I go to bed around 10pm, and I wasn't overly hungry so eating nothing was certainly an option. Another good choice would have been a small but filling snack such as almonds. I didn't do that. Over a period of probably 20 minutes, I had 4 slices of cheddar cheese, 1 weight watchers wedge of low fat swiss, and a couple of handfuls of peanuts, almonds and chex mix.
My first reaction was to not mention this on the blog, and to move on. It wasn't really a binge, was it? At least not in the traditional sense, if there is such a thing. However, does a "normal" (I use that term loosely) person that doesn't have disordered eating patterns do things like that? I don't know. Does it really matter what "normal" people do in comparison to how I eat?
Ultimately, what I did wasn't a smart choice for me and I want to make sure I document it. I should have either went to bed, or ate a small snack.
I'm moving on, though. I'll post more about Thanksgiving plans later.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
miracle of consistent size
As an adult, I don't think I've stayed the same size for more than a year or two at a time. My weight has gone up and down (more often up) so frequently, that I never know from one season to the next what items in my closet will fit. Since my weight has fluctuated so fast and by large amounts, I haven't typically purchased clothing with the thought that it would be a staple in my wardrobe or something that I could wear for many years to come. I haven't bothered with many of the "must have" pieces because I never could justify the expense of an investment item such as a basic navy blazer or a really nice cashmere sweater. Yes, I've had some classic pieces such as black slacks, a white button down, etc. that can be purchased at reasonable prices and I would just purchase a different size as needed.
I look forward to wearing the same size from one season to the next. It may seem like a silly thing, but I'm sure others of you understand this. It will be fun to build a wardrobe with a sense of permanence rather than basing my purchase on what will work for this season only.
I look forward to wearing the same size from one season to the next. It may seem like a silly thing, but I'm sure others of you understand this. It will be fun to build a wardrobe with a sense of permanence rather than basing my purchase on what will work for this season only.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Candy Land
Yes, folks, it's true. Candy Land is more than just a children's board game. It is in every retail store!
I stopped by the drugstore today to get some makeup for my daughter's stocking. (For you bargain shoppers out there....I got a great deal! 1 Cover girl 4 color eye shadow and 1 Cover girl 3 color eye shadow for a combined total of $2.78!!!!!) I was shocked to see a large shelf in the makeup aisle full of candy!!!!!!!! What. In. The. World. I can only think that they ran out of space in the aisle where the rest of the Christmas candy was, so they put it there. Of course, after my initial shock my eyes were immediately drawn to the 1 pound pack of Reese Cups. Have you seen this monstrosity? I have no doubt that there was a time that I could have eaten the entire pound in one sitting. In fact, I probably could still do that. But I won't.
As I wandered down the rest of the make up aisle, guess what? More candy. For some reason, there was a shopping cart full of reduced Halloween candy sitting in the middle of the aisle. Is someone conspiring against me? It's crazy to think that an innocent shopping trip for eye shadow results in face to face temptation.
The Reese cups, and all of the rest of the candy, remained at the drugstore. Someone else can buy that junk. I will stick with make up!
I stopped by the drugstore today to get some makeup for my daughter's stocking. (For you bargain shoppers out there....I got a great deal! 1 Cover girl 4 color eye shadow and 1 Cover girl 3 color eye shadow for a combined total of $2.78!!!!!) I was shocked to see a large shelf in the makeup aisle full of candy!!!!!!!! What. In. The. World. I can only think that they ran out of space in the aisle where the rest of the Christmas candy was, so they put it there. Of course, after my initial shock my eyes were immediately drawn to the 1 pound pack of Reese Cups. Have you seen this monstrosity? I have no doubt that there was a time that I could have eaten the entire pound in one sitting. In fact, I probably could still do that. But I won't.
As I wandered down the rest of the make up aisle, guess what? More candy. For some reason, there was a shopping cart full of reduced Halloween candy sitting in the middle of the aisle. Is someone conspiring against me? It's crazy to think that an innocent shopping trip for eye shadow results in face to face temptation.
The Reese cups, and all of the rest of the candy, remained at the drugstore. Someone else can buy that junk. I will stick with make up!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
11 pounds lost!!!!
I've lost 11 pounds over the past month, which makes a total loss of 122 pounds!!
It was encouraging to talk to a friend and fellow sugar addict this morning. He lost 40-50 pounds several years ago by admitting to himself that he needed to avoid sugar altogether. He has kept off the weight! That doesn't mean that he doesn't struggle occasionally, and he does give in to the urge to eat sugar sometimes. However, I admire him because he has kept the weight off and is far healthier than he was when he began his journey.
We can learn so much from someone who has been in our situation. I hope that one day I will be able to help others who struggle with eatings disorders and food issues.
It was encouraging to talk to a friend and fellow sugar addict this morning. He lost 40-50 pounds several years ago by admitting to himself that he needed to avoid sugar altogether. He has kept off the weight! That doesn't mean that he doesn't struggle occasionally, and he does give in to the urge to eat sugar sometimes. However, I admire him because he has kept the weight off and is far healthier than he was when he began his journey.
We can learn so much from someone who has been in our situation. I hope that one day I will be able to help others who struggle with eatings disorders and food issues.
Monday, November 7, 2011
childhood obesity
In the past several years, the media has been full of reports of the rise of childhood obesity and related illnesses. Diseases that were formerly only found in adults, such as Type 2 Diabetes, are now being found in children. I thought of this after I had an interesting conversation with two ladies at work a few days ago.
We were discussing sugar and the cravings that many people have for it. One of the ladies mentioned that her daughter did not allow her grandchild to have refined sugar for a "very, very long time". I was expecting her to say that the child was 5, 6....maybe even 8 or 10 years old before eating sugar. Nope. Her grandchild was the ripe old age of 2 before she was allowed to have sugar. Why does a 2 year old need sugar???!!!! The other lady said that she knew some people who severely restricted their children's sugar intake, and she went on to say that she thought this was "cruel and unusual punishment".
Why are healthy foods the exception rather than the norm? Why is it not unusual to see a child with their baby bottle full of soda? Why do we derive such pleasure from giving children ice cream, potato chips, french fries, etc. as soon as their able to eat solids?
Of course, I live in the south and in an area where obesity is unfortunately very prevalent. Are other areas different....perhaps.
It's very sad to think that every generation seems to be less active and less healthy than the previous one. I can't change the world, but I can make an impact on my health and that of my family's.
We were discussing sugar and the cravings that many people have for it. One of the ladies mentioned that her daughter did not allow her grandchild to have refined sugar for a "very, very long time". I was expecting her to say that the child was 5, 6....maybe even 8 or 10 years old before eating sugar. Nope. Her grandchild was the ripe old age of 2 before she was allowed to have sugar. Why does a 2 year old need sugar???!!!! The other lady said that she knew some people who severely restricted their children's sugar intake, and she went on to say that she thought this was "cruel and unusual punishment".
Why are healthy foods the exception rather than the norm? Why is it not unusual to see a child with their baby bottle full of soda? Why do we derive such pleasure from giving children ice cream, potato chips, french fries, etc. as soon as their able to eat solids?
Of course, I live in the south and in an area where obesity is unfortunately very prevalent. Are other areas different....perhaps.
It's very sad to think that every generation seems to be less active and less healthy than the previous one. I can't change the world, but I can make an impact on my health and that of my family's.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Breaking news!!!!!!
Exercise reduces stress!!! Are you shocked? Of course not! Everyone knows that. Everyone except me, apparently. I've never really understood that until recently. I particularly noticed it today.
After I came home from work, I found out that my son's spring college tuition is due on December 8. This was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It shouldn't have been a surprise, but for some reason I thought it wouldn't be due until January. Tuition, Christmas, normal bills, taxes, my daughter's birthday......the bills for December are neverending
My stress level really increased, so I decided to go for a vigorous walk. I did 4 laps on the route that I sometimes take that has a few hills instead of my normal 3 laps. When I was done, I felt much better.
Amazing, isn't it? I've never really enjoyed exercise. Never really made it a permanent part of my routine. Now I see that exercise can be a wonderful stress reliever - much better than unhealthy habits like eating. There are no bad side effects to using this to ease anxiety!!
During my walk, a car stopped beside me and a lady that I've never met complimented me on how good I look! Apparently she often sees me walk and has noticed my weight loss progress. It was so nice of her to take the time to mention this to me! This was such an encouragement - it helped me make that extra lap rather than stopping at my normal 3.
A few hours later there was a few other things that happened that increased my anxiety, but I'm coping.
After I came home from work, I found out that my son's spring college tuition is due on December 8. This was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It shouldn't have been a surprise, but for some reason I thought it wouldn't be due until January. Tuition, Christmas, normal bills, taxes, my daughter's birthday......the bills for December are neverending
My stress level really increased, so I decided to go for a vigorous walk. I did 4 laps on the route that I sometimes take that has a few hills instead of my normal 3 laps. When I was done, I felt much better.
Amazing, isn't it? I've never really enjoyed exercise. Never really made it a permanent part of my routine. Now I see that exercise can be a wonderful stress reliever - much better than unhealthy habits like eating. There are no bad side effects to using this to ease anxiety!!
During my walk, a car stopped beside me and a lady that I've never met complimented me on how good I look! Apparently she often sees me walk and has noticed my weight loss progress. It was so nice of her to take the time to mention this to me! This was such an encouragement - it helped me make that extra lap rather than stopping at my normal 3.
A few hours later there was a few other things that happened that increased my anxiety, but I'm coping.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Back on plan
Today was a much better day. As expected after eating sugar, I did have some cravings. They haven't been too bad, though. As I had the cravings, I again marveled at how quickly and easily I can forget how bad I feel after I've binged or overeaten. For some reason, the same foods that sounded disgusting last night once again had a magical appeal. I guess there are some things I may never understand. Regardless of whether I understand it or not, I can win this battle.
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